My boy...

Dear Gabe,

It's been 3 years now since the worst day of my life. As each year passes, I notice I cry less, but I miss you more. I think of you each and everyday, and I always wonder how my precious boy would be like. I'm sure just as handsome as your baby brother Joaquin, and as loving as your big sister Andrea.

This year our family was able to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. Nobody was sick, no bad news was spread. It was just a lot to be thankful. Of course for me there's a piece missing forever, but I know you are here everyday with us.  I feel you in Joaquin. He won't ever be you, and you will never be him, and I don't eve want anybody to think that, but I know God tried to mend my broken heart a bit by sending us Joaquin. His hugs, his smile, his kisses, I always feel they are from him, but that you are sending your love also through him. You got to meet him before we did, and I'm sure you two caused some trouble in heaven before he was sent to us. :).

 Both Andrea and Joaquin will always know they have an angel as a brother. You will never be forgotten, and you will always be a part of us no matter the years that may go by. I love you son, and I live for the day that I may finally hold you in my arms forever.

Love,
Mama

Annual review

I like to review my year every year. 2011 brought on many many challenges, many smiles, and a beautiful blessing. Here is my recap:

January: The year started out without much going on. We knew Beto would be leaving to Singapore for an entire month on January 29th. The night he left I had plans with friends to go to dinner and come back to the house for some Just Dance fun. I cleaned up like it was nobody's business, and was ready for a girls night out.

I made it out to dinner with the girls, but we ended up in labor and delivery. I was having crazy contractions, and I even ended up throwing up from the pain. I was exactly 24 weeks and 1 day. Barely viable. I was so scared that I would deliver a baby that night, and he'd hardly have a chance. My friends are amazing and kept me pretty distracted through the 5 hours I was there. Thankfully after a few glasses of water and some rest the contractions stopped, and I was able to go home with a baby still in my womb.

February- We got hit with the snowstorm of the century. OMG did it snow! I thankfully left to my moms house about an hour or two before it got really bad. I would've hated to be stuck at home with Andrea by myself for that long. It was fun being a part of that history, but I was so glad I had a ticket to Vegas the day after the super bowl. Andrea and I visited my parents for 2 weeks. I really wish I had gone the entire month. It was by far the most relaxing, enjoyable time I had in a long time. I really had a hard time coming back. The only bright side was that I got to see the hubby again after a month.

March- Guess what?? C-section got moved from May 11th to May 3rd. Dr. didnt want to risk me having any type of contractions and going into labor. Guess what else?? The house that I lived in for 25 years was on the market, and we had buyers in less than 2 weeks!! Talk about a swirl of emotions. I was excited for new beginnings, but overwhelmed with leaving sweet memories of my childhood behind. Started packing immediately. It takes a long time packing up 25 years of memories.

April- The beginning of a long long series of life changing events! My amazing friends and family threw me a shower. So very thankful for them. I was apprehensive to have a shower for many reasons, but I'm so thankful they did it for me. That was on April 2nd. It was beautiful, and I could tell how much this baby was already loved.

April 10th I said goodbye to my home for the last time. We moved in with the in-laws til we found something of our own. I tried to prep for this baby as much as I could, and enjoy my last few weeks with Andrea as much as possible.

On April 18th everything changed. I woke up feeling out of it, but still took Andy to her mom and tot class. I came home fed her lunch, and forced myself to eat something. It didnt sit very well, and I knew something was up. I hadn't really felt the baby move either. Called the OB, and she told me it'd probably be best to go to the hospital. I drove myself there with Andrea. Beto and my brother in law met me there. Brother in law took Andrea home, and I figured I'd be home in a few hours.

(The events that took place from here until about August almost seem like a big exaggeration, and I'd find hard to believe if it hadn't been it happened to, but I promise it's all true)

I got IV's,and I kept throwing up. The contractions weren't slowing, and the on-call dr. decided it was necessary for baby to come out that night. Baby didnt have a name, I had barely unpacked our stuff, much less the baby's. I had another 2 weeks before his arrival. Nope, he was coming that night at 35 weeks 5 days. It was April 18th, 2011. My original due date with Gabriel was April 18th, 2010. I knew it was just meant to be. All I could do is pray that I was far along enough that baby would be ok. I got prepped for a c-section, and we welcomed a perfect baby boy at 10:54Pm weighing 6lbs 1oz and 18 inches long.

He spent 18 days in the NICU with some serious breathing issues at first. It was such a roller coaster, and we had so many ups and downs.

I was losing a ton of blood right after delivery, and was worked on for several hours. Thinking back, I have no idea how I survived all of that. I finally got to see my baby boy after 2 days. I think we finally agreed on a name on day 5. The day I was released from the hospital. Joaquin Jeronimo. Nice strong name for my little fighter.

May- After 18 long days with many setbacks including a milk, soy, and egg allergy discovery, my baby came home May 5th. It's nerve wrecking bringing home any newborn. It was terrifying bringing Joaquin home. I was so afraid of him d-stating or something else happening. Thankfully he did wonderful.

May17th I'm rushed to the hospital in excruciating pain. Seriously, Id rather be in labor than ever feel this pain again. Ended up having my gall bladder removed on May 18th. My baby turned a month old that day, and I wasn't even home to hold him. It was difficult. I had to pump and dump cause of the meds, and I could hardly eat anything because of the baby's allergies. I got sent home, and was on the way to recovery. 2 days later I'm right back in the ER with the same crazy pain! I thought I was dying. I really did. Turns out some of the sludge had spilled into my stomach lining. I had minor surgery again. My Goddaughter made her 1st Communion, and I was stuck in a hospital bed. It sucked! I finally made it home, and was recovering from labor, c-section, losing a ton of blood, and gall bladder surgery all at once. We survived May.

June- We all joked that it had been 2 weeks since anyone had gone to a hospital. Silly us! My mom ended up in the hospital for a few days in early June. She had a really really really bad case of Vertigo. It was scary. The doctors thought she had a stroke at one point. By this point I was struggling. Thank God for great husband, family and friends.

On June 18th Joaquin was baptized, and we had a nice little luncheon with our closest friends and family. It was a roller coaster month trying to adjust to two kids, trying to make up for so much time lost with hospital visits with Andrea, but we survived.

July-It brought us a lot of smiles. My parents had gone back to Vegas after having been here since Joaquin arrived. It was the first year they weren't here for my brother, Andrea, and I birthday in many years. By now I was getting used to being a mom of 2, and being in the hospital was finally a thing of the past 3 months.

I turned 29 and Andrea turned 3 a day after me. Beto quit his job, and landed a much better job with a company he is much happier with. We signed a lease for the home we are in now. The house had been on the market, and we knew we couldn't buy it right now, but I just decided to drive by to look at it for the hell of it. Lo and behold they were looking to lease it now. It's right across the street from a great school, and my brother and sister in law live a block away.

August-We moved into our new home, and I couldn't be happier. I love the place, and feel very comfortable here. I dont think it's our forever home, but for now I'm quite content here. August was pretty quiet for the most part.

I also ran my first 5k!!! What an accomplishment. I NEVER imagined myself being able to do that. It had to be one of the proudest moments in my life. I can't wait to do it again! I ran a 5k in 36 minutes, 4 months after having given birth. :)

September- Beto and I celebrated 4 years of marriage. Wow! Where does the time go?? Crazy. I started babysitting Sophia again, and Ms. Andrea started pre-school. It was a good month overall. Joaquin was doing good, and is just such a happy baby.

October- By now I had gotten used to having 3 kids under my care for most of the day, and I was having fun with it. Joaquin continued to grow, and be strong and healthy. Unfortunately, he did get his first cold at the end of the month, and we took our first ER trip. Thankfully it was nothing big, and he went home after a couple of hours.

November- Andrea, Joaquin, and I left for Vegas! My cousin Ivette got married, and it was just nice to get away for the week. Both of the kids did amazing on the plane, and had fun on vacation.

We got back, and were prepping for the beginning of the holidays. November is a very somber month for me. November 24th fell on Thanksgiving day this year. 2 years without my baby boy. I was feeling very very sad. I thought about him so much this entire month, and just wondered what he would be like.

Joaquin got very sick again, and this time we ended up in the hospital on Nov. 24th at around 5am. He was not breathing right, and had very low oxygen levels. I almost feel Gabe wanted my mind preoccupied with other things, and so I wouldn't feel so sad on Thanksgiving. Joaquin spent four days in the hospital. It's scary seeing him like that, and I guess it just raises my anxiety. Thank God he got better, and we got to come home.

December- Here we are. Last month of the year. Christmas time. It all started out rough, and I wasn't feeling very much in the spirit, but as always God comes through. Andrea went tree shopping with her daddy, and they brought back an oversized pretty tree. She was really excited about it. Having her so excited about the holidays really put me in the mood. Christmas was nice, I loved watching the glow in my kids eyes. Joaquin was the cutest Santa I've ever seen (I'm a little biased) :). Missing my Gabe like always, but he seems to be around here all the time. I know he's fine. I just can't wait to finally be able to hold him in my arms one day.

It wasn't exactly the year I had planned, but we survived. God saw us through some rough times, and I did something I hadn't been able to do in the last few years. Due to Joaquin's allergies, I went on a very strict dairy and soy free diet. I ended up losing 45lbs! I'm not anywhere near where I want to be, but I know I'm on the right path. I haven't felt this well in a long time.

Another year is in the books, and I look forward to what 2012 has to offer.

2 years

I wrote this post on 11/24. I never got a chance to actually post it because Joaquin got very sick, and we ended up spending 4 days in the hospital.

I know it's been forever since I've been on here. Everytime I go on a hiatus, I tell myself I'll be back to normal, but lets face it, I just dont have the time right now, but I do need to take it. This is very therapeutic for me, and God knows I need some therapy right now. :)

Anyway, today I am writing because it is November 24th. For the country it's Thanksgiving Day. For me it's 2nd anniversary of the day I lost my precious Gabriel. So many things have happened in the last two years, yet the pain remains the same. I miss him. I miss him a lot. So today I write my baby a letter:

My baby boy:

I miss you. I can't believe it's been 2 years since I last held you in my womb. I would give the world to go back to that moment where you still lived inside of me. I love you, and I'm so thankful to God that I got to be your mom, and that I got to carry you for 20 weeks. I sincerely hope you never felt any pain.

I still remember everything about that dreadful day. The clothes I wore, the weather, the conversations I held. You were supposed to be the big news at Thanksgiving dinner. We would let the family know if you were a boy or a girl. All of Facebook was awaiting for my update. I couldn't do it. It took me hours to get the courage to let the world know that you were gone. I contemplated not updating, but I felt that was unfair to everyone too. Plus, I knew I need every prayer, and word of encouragement I could use. I miss you.

I remember feeling like a lost puppy with no hope for many many weeks. Your big sister was my only hope. She was the sole reason I was able to go on. I know I dont shed nearly as many tears as I used to those first months, but never think I dont miss you. I do. I have never forgotten about you.

Your little brother is a precious little thing. He smiles at me at the right times. I know he isn't you, and you aren't him, but he's such a good boy, I know in his sleep when he smiles it must be you in his dreams playing with him. He knows you, I'm sure before he came down to earth you were best of buds. I miss you so much my baby boy.

It's not fair, I want you here. I shouldn't have to look at your ashes, and have your sister say goodnight to you in our nightly prayers. I should be able to tuck you into bed just like I do her. I love you.

It may have been 2 years since that horrible awful day, but I still hurt for you. A mother's love runs very deep, and I miss you. I often wonder what could've been. Who you would be like, what you would look like. I wish I had the chance to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead. I wish I could sing you a song, and see your smile. I miss you.

22 years may pass by, but I'll never forget you. I lost some friends, and gained some family over your loss. Taught me so many lessons without ever seeing your precious face. Thank you.

It's Thanksgiving, and as painful as these holidays are without you I still have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful for allowing me to be your mom for life, and your guardian for 20 wonderful weeks.

Flashbacks

Sometimes I just get flashbacks of all the events that took place within the 24 hours of giving birth to Joaquin. Sitting here at my inlaws on Sunday evenings just gets to me sometimes. I just remember being pretty pregnant, but not pregnant enough. I had a typical pregnant woman's meal that night. My husband went out and got me a burger, chili, and fries from Wendy's. I ate all of it rather quickly. It didn't settle very well though. I didnt sleep well at all that night, but I just figured it was pregnancy pains. No biggie. If only I had known that in less than 24 hours I'd be in labor.

I'm not upset at the fact that Joaquin came early, but sometimes I do wish I had gotten that opportunity to carry him all the way up until my c-section date. I enjoy being pregnant. I love feeling the baby kick, even when it's at three in the morning. I guess I just wish I could have enjoyed that for a few more weeks.

I also often have flashbacks about how exhausting and scary our time in the NICU was. Yet it all seems like a blur. I feel like I was just going through the motions at times without really knowing exactly what was going on, and how seriously ill my little boy was.

I got a detailed hospital bill from his stay, and I just felt my heart sink when I read the words "resucitated", "critical care", and "oxygen" over and over on the bill. It just put everything into perspective, and made the whole thing all that more real. I'm thankful to God Joaquin is with us, and seems to be doing so awesomely well (17ish lbs at 3.5 months), but it's hard to not think of what could have gone wrong, and how everything did happen.

I dont know, maybe I should go talk to someone about all of this. I seem to be doing better most days, but than I have my series of days where it all just consumes all over again. I think it may be time to pick up the phone.

Ever wonder

I should be in bed, but it's one of those nights that my mind is racing in so many directions to shut down and sleep.

Do you ever wonder where life would have taken you if you hadn't made that turn, if you hadn't made that decision, or if you would have just had more patience? I know I can't change the past, and I believe that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

I wonder about everything. What if I had decided to study something else in college, what if I had never opened up that first credit card, only if...

Every decision that's made leads to another and another and another. I dont think I'd trade in my life for anything else because it's been lessons learned, and it's made me a more compassionate and loving person, but I know there are things I could've done in the past that would've made life much easier now.

I love my children to pieces, and though I would do just about anything to be able to even hold Gabe in my arms for even a minute, it was written that I didnt get that chance for a reason. I miss him so much.

Do you ever wonder?

Anxiety

Why does it come on Sunday nights? I just start to get anxious about everything. I get anxious about what I'm going to do with the kids during the week, I start thinking about money, and just life in general. I need to have a plan, and I need to follow through with the plan. Maybe it's living here that is causing this anxiety. Maybe knowing that although I'm treated very nicely here that it isn't my own. I'm hoping all this settles down once we move.

We got the house we so wanted, and I pray to God this calms a lot of my anxiety down. This is really odd for me as I've never really suffered from anxiety. I hope once we move into the new house all of this goes away. I dont like the feeling, and I want to be in control of things. This has been so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I just want my own space and my routines back.

I have this vision of how things will be when we move into the house, and I'm trying not to build my expectations to high, but at the same time I hope and pray to God that it's the change we really need. That it's what's been holding me back from feeling normal these last few months. I'm afraid of this feeling not stopping, but I'm very hopeful it will.

I dont think this blog made much sense at all, but at the same time it felt good just to type it out. Hope is all you can hang on to.

2 is hard

I kept hearing that 2 was easier than 1. WRONG! I can see how it may be true in some areas. I mean I'm not as anal about things, and I dont wonder if certain things the baby is doing are normal or if I should call the Dr. Other than that, I'm having a difficult time finding a balance. Andrea has been really good about everything, but I mean she's only 3 and has her needs too.

It's been really difficult just giving Andrea her own special time while tending to an infant. I try and do as much as i can while Joaquin sleeps, but it's not that easy because he isn't really on a schedule yet. Somedays he will sleep all day, and others he's wide awake a big part of it. I wear him a lot, and that helps, but it's still difficult.

I'm sure a big part of it is that we are not in our space yet, and it just makes things more chaotic. I hope to hear back about that home real soon. I just feel like we will have so much more structure, and perhaps we can actually get on some sort of routine. I also hope that the older Joaquin gets the more I get used to things. I love having him, and he fills my heart with lots of love, but 2 isnt by any means easier than 1. I guess this is all part of the journey of being mom.