Some catching up

I'm here at home finally. I'm still not sleeping here, but the house is all cleaned up and ready for us to come back tomorrow night. I'm so excited. The house looks awesome. Can't wait for the basement to be all done. It's been a long two weeks, but it's all well worth it. A lot has happened in these last two weeks that we've been away from the computer.

Andrea had a speech evaluation on Thursday. She did qualify, and will receive therapy once a week. I'm excited about the prospect of my kid talking sometime in the near future. I can't wait to see all the silly things she has to say. I know crazy stuff will come out of her mouth. So that's some big news on our part. She did really well with the therapist while they were evaluating her, so I'm thinking she will be just fine on a weekly basis. She passed the rest of her eval. with flying colors, and is even way ahead of the game in some aspects. So God willing this will work out for the best.

As far as Gabriel goes, the more days pass by, the more I miss my baby boy. I'm at peace with his passing away, but I can't believe this actually happened to us. I can't stop thinking of him, and missing him so much. I should be a big fat pregnant girl right now. God I would be delivering him in about a month. Crazy to think we would be so close to meeting him, yet it's getting further and further from his passing away. The thought of having two kids under two in less than a month makes me nervous, but than I snap back and realize that it's just a memory now. I guess I just gotta keep trusting God that He knows why He thought Gabriel was to beautiful for this earth.

Well, I should be back on a regular basis again. Have a great Saturday night.

Stil at mom's

Another night at my mom's. I just came home for a quick few to pick Beto up, and take him back to my mom's. I never thought I'd miss my house and bed so much. It's nice being a guest cause you dont have to worry about cleaning and stuff as much, but I'm ready to get back to my normal routine. It's been a LONNNGGG week. I miss my own stuff, and just the normalcy of things. I miss not having junk food to devour all day long, and I miss my kitchen. I've managed to maintain my weight by continuing to work out, but I haven't managed to lose any cause of all the food at my mom's. I'm ready to hit it hard again. Hope to be back tomorrow again.

Taking a quick break.

So I've been meaning to blog since last night, but life has gotten in the way. My friend invited me out to the outlet malls yesterday. I was super excited about going, and going on a little mommy and daughter trip with my friend and her baby along with Andrea. Of course now that we are moms it's more about shopping for the kids over us. The kids stores got way better deals anyway. So we hit up Carter's Outlet, and of course the boys section and the girls section are divided up. I immediately hit the girls side to start looking for stuff for Andy that she can wear next year. What's the first thing I come across? A t-shirt that says "Big Sister" for a freaking dollar. It was a 2T which is probably the size she will be if we can conceive in the next few months. It was a huge dagger, but I got it anyway, and just hope that she can use it sometime in the next few months. Of course I couldn't help, but look at the boys section, and just imagine how many things I would have bought Gabriel. I mean there were winter coats for him to wear next winter for $10. There were just so much stuff that I could have bought him for so cheap. I know I would have gone crazy in there yesterday knowing I would be just 8 weeks away from meeting him. Uggh it just hurt so bad to know that I had no little boy to shop for. Somedays are just so much harder than others.

Not sure when I'll be able to get on here and blog again. Beto has torn down our living room and basement, and project renovation is fully underway. We are staying at my mom's, and she's not up to the times with internet. I'll probably stop by at home in the evening, but not sure how much time I'll have. Hopefully I can find some though cause this is good for my soul. Thanks for reading!

Happy Valentines Day Gabe.

It's a day of love and friendship. I'm forever thankful for the husband and daughter in my life, but I can't help to think I should be so close to meeting Gabriel. Even though I wouldn't have met you yet, I should be a big fat 31 week pregnant lady. 31 weeks!!! Wow. Dinner tonight at Giordano's for some stuffed spinach pizza with Beto, Andrea, and a big fat pregnant belly with little Gabe enjoying our tradition from inside. That's what it was supposed to be. Instead it's still just the three of us. That's ok cause I know Gabriel is watching us from above, but at last it's still hard thinking about holidays, and knowing he's no longer with us.

We've been going to Giordano's on Valentines for about the last 4 years. It's just something we did one year, and kind of kept it that way. It's not too busy, and it's my favorite thing in the world. :). We dont do Giordano's very often, maybe 2-3 times a year. The only time we ever actually eat at the restaurant is on Valentines. It'll probably be just today this year cause we are more health conscious family now, but I'm going to enjoy it to it's fullest today.

Anyway, Gabriel I hope you are enjoying your Valentine up in Heaven with Jordan. I love you so much, and please watch over all of us until we meet again. We promise to never forget you.

Food allergies.

Today was a scary day for my family. My nephew was rushed to the hospital because of his severe peanut allergy. He ended up in the ICU on a ventilator. Thank God he should be just fine, but I think that there needs to be way more education on what a food allergy is, what are the symptoms, and what to do in case someone is have a reaction to food.

Being Valentine's Day weekend, and a cute 8 year old boy, he ate a tiny piece of chocolate that contained peanut butter that was passed out at his school. He went from feeling a bit sick to pretty much having his lips swell up, and his throat starting to close in a very short amount of time. I dont know what the school policies are and such, but I definitely feel that there needs to be some kind of plan of action as to what is to be done when something like this happens. People need to understand that this isn't something that just fixes itself. I mean people die every year because they go into anaphylactic shock.

It was scary and tough seeing my nephew laying in an ICU hospital room with a tube through his mouth. This should have never happened, and it's a blessing that nothing worse happened to him. My daughter has a milk and egg allergy, and it scares the bejeebees outta me to think that she could one day accidentally ingest something she shouldn't and she isn't around someone that knows what to do.

Please keep my nephew in your prayers, and please if you are ever around someone that is having an allergic reaction REACT!! Most people with food allergies have an Epi pen on them. It's very easy to administer, and wont do them any harm if you inject them if they didnt need it, but can cause a lot of harm if they really needed it, and you were to afraid to administer it. Also, if you are in doubt just call 911. It's always absolutely more important to be safe than sorry.

Busy me

I've been so busy and tired the last two days. It's nuts. Keeping up with 3 kids under 3 can be quite draining some days. For those that dont know, I watch a 3 year old boy, and a 5 month old baby along with my 19 month old daughter. It also seems like we have hit the dreaded wakeful period with Andrea. She has been up at 2am sharp everyday this week. It's driving me nuts, and I can't wait until she's over it, and goes back to sleeping through the night. She also seems to be going through a whole throwing stuff phase. Her new thing this week is just throwing anything in her hand and cracking up as hard as she can. I've realized that it's hard to discipline this child, and I have to set my foot down. She just comes and cuddles you with hugs and kisses when she does something wrong. Uggh how can you discipline such sweetness? I love my baby so much, and she always finds a way to make me smile with her actions even when I'm having a stressful day. I guess at the end of the day I really do love staying home with her, and watching the other 2 kids. I mean there are days that are just so crazy, but when it's all said and done I love having them in my life.

Snow

I've realized that I like to watch the snow fall. I dont necessarily like snow storms, but I like to watch the snow come down. I feel a sense of calm when I do. I feel a part of Gabriel is in each of those snowflakes. I don't know why the snow reminds me of him, but it just does. Granted I still hate Chicago winters, but at least now I know that some snow coming down will always remind of Gabe. I guess I look at it this way because no snowflake is ever the same, but yet they come together and form this big fluffy big pile. I feel that a baby is made the same way. All these particles come together and form a human being. I just know he's everywhere I go, and the snow is my silent reminder. I'm coming to terms that the pain will never go away, and that a part of my soul will forever be with Gabriel. I miss my little peanut a lot.

An update

An update on what? LOL, I guess on everything. Last week was miserable for me on the weight loss. I didn't lose an ounce despite my continued workout and healthy eating. It sucked, but I figured I had to slow down at some point. I completely went against all my hard work yesterday, and pigged out. I dont feel bad for having totally pigged out during Super Bowl, but I felt physically ill this morning. My body just isn't used to all that junk anymore. I learned my lesson very quickly. So back to my boot camp I go this week, and get back on track with crap.

Andy has a speech evaluation tomorrow morning. I'm kind of excited at the prospect of perhaps getting her speech jump started. She really doesn't say much aside from "mama" and "papa". She's so bright in every other aspect though that it's hard for me to really be worried. It can't hurt to have an extra push though. We'll see what they say tomorrow.

As you can see I updated my blog a bit. I added a picture of my family, minus the dogs. Maybe I'll stick them in here somewhere tomorrow. The one picture I really wish I had is of Gabriel. The more time passes by, the more I wish I had a picture of him aside from my ultrasound pictures. I really wish I had a real physical image of him. I wish I had just one picture to add to our little family pic even if it was of him already sleeping forever. I really wish I had something. I even wish I had asked the doctor to print out that last ultrasound image when we found he was already gone. I know it sounds super morbid, but that's the last image I have of my son. He was still safe inside my belly, and even though he was already gone, he still was very much alive inside of me for a few more days to me. I guess all I can do is leave what he would of looked like to my imagination. I love my babies so much.

More march of Dimes

I finally got around to posting my little banner on here for March of Dimes. I'm really passionate about this cause since losing Gabe. I never have really participated in it before, but as I mentioned in a post a while back I dont want his loss to go in vain. I feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing in his memory. I think this will be a project I will tackle each year, and each year I hope to make it bigger. It's even more special because the walk is on April 25th. April is my due date month, and I feel like all month may be a struggle, but I think that day will feel successful. I hope that each year it becomes a bigger and bigger event. This year my goal is to raise $500. I think with the amount of people Beto and I know this is extremely doable. I know times are very rough, and that everyone probably has donated something to Haiti, but I truly believe that if everyone can donate a $1 we can make that goal easily. Also, if you are interested in walking, and are in the Chicagoland area please join our team. I promise it'll be a boatload of fun. ;). Thanks everyone, and as always God Bless.

Halo

I've said before that music really helps me in many ways. Sometimes I like listening to the sadder songs and just cry and cry. Sometimes letting those tears out helps heal this broken soul of mine. Other times I like the happy songs to put me in a better mood. I have found some songs just create a whole new meaning to me even though they have nothing to do with my loss. A prime example is Beyonce's Halo. There is a verse that particularly gets to me:

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

It just rings so true. My Gabe is everywhere I go, and he will always be with me wherever this crazy life may take me. He has his little halo now, and he is my little angel that God needed with him. I know he is next to Jordan and together they are watching over me. They are what save me each and everyday. Sometimes it hurts more than others, but I know I have a purpose in this life, and it's hard to figure this one out, but I know deep deep down inside of me this all has happened for a reason. I know it's made me a better person. I wish with all that I have that I didnt have to experience this in order to become who I am right now, but unfortunately I have. I'm not the same person that I was just 2 short months ago, and I know I never will be. How could I? My son was taken from me way before I ever imagined, and the selfish part of me wants him back so freaking bad. Sometimes the desire to have him back is just so overwhelming.

I'm starting to see a lot of the spring clothes coming out, and I just can't help but see all the baby boy clothes, and imagine what I would be dressing my baby in. He would certainly have some Cubs outfits, a few ILLINI outfits, and just little cute boy jeans. I love all the girly clothes Andy has, but I would definitely have enjoyed dressing Gabe in all these cute boys clothes. I just long to have that boy back, and take him and Andy out for long walks to the library over the summer. I long to have the challenge of raising two kids under two. I long for watching Andrea and Gabriel enjoy this summer together. I wish I had to worry about how I'm going to manage being maid of honor, and a mom to a 3 month old baby at my brother and best friends wedding in July. All of those things just don't matter anymore I guess cause Gabriel is up in heaven. He doesn't need me there, but I need him here so bad. Gosh sometimes I still can't believe this is the reality of my life.

support group

We went to support group today. Definitely something I need in my life. It was nice knowing I'm not alone in this, but yet so heartbreaking to hear everyone else's nightmare. It sucks to know there are so many other people out there in this world that have to deal with such a devastating loss. Just breaks my heart over and over, and yet it helps heal the wound a bit. i think this is going to be something very helpful for me, and I look forward to it. I like knowing I can pronounce Gabriel's name out loud so much, and that I can just talk about my hell. I miss him more and more each day, and I've realized this pain will never die.

Sometimes it stings.

So this whole time I've kept some feelings to myself, but I think they are overtaking me, and it will help to spill them out here. I guess they become more real each time I get what seems like the same news. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with what I'm going to say today, or if someone takes it the wrong way. I'll also be more than happy to talk about with you if you get offended, but I just need to be real honest with myself.

It's hard for me to hear of someone I know that is pregnant, going to their big ultrasound, or they just had a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm really really happy for them, but it stings all at the same time. I wish all these couples nothing but the best, but it still hurts. All I do is go back, and think about how far along I should be, how people should be counting down till my little baby arrives, how my son should be the next one born, and yet he's just a distant memory to most now. It's just a feeling I can't help. I'm really happy for these people, but a part of me is also really nervous for them. I pray to God that none of them experience what I went through, but yet I know that the chances they do are there. I get nervous that someone may have to suffer the same pain I did, and I hate that I've lost the innocence that comes with anyone being pregnant.

It's no longer just pure joy in my heart to know a new life is being created. I get paranoid for other people that something will go wrong, or I hope that people will understand the beauty of what is happening to them, and how precious life is, and that there is a precious life growing inside of them from the minute of conception. That is your baby from the minute you realize you are expecting. It's such a beautiful thing yet so fragile.

I must admit I get the most nervous when I hear of someone going in for their big ultrasound. It's like I hold my breath until I hear that they came back from it safe and sound, and that baby looks good. I just know they are so excited about the whole thing, and I know how damn awful it is to learn that your baby no longer has a heartbeat when you thought you were going in for the most fun part of the whole pregnancy. I hate that all that innocence is lost. I hate being so nervous for other people, and not being able to just be happy. I hate all the other emotions that now come with it.

Like I said I'm genuinely happy for everyone that is expecting or has a new bundle of joy, but I can't help to be a little hurt by it all. Not that other people dont deserve the happiness of a new baby, but I just so long to feel that happiness of my Gabriel being with us too. It's nobody's fault of what happened to me, and nobody should have to hold back their great news from because of what happened to me, but I can't help to just feel a tiny sting. I guess that's just the way my new life goes.

2 months

Dear Gabriel,

It's been two months today since you had to leave us. I miss you with all my heart and soul. They say that time heals everything, but it seems that time is only making this wound deeper. I think of you each and everyday. Somedays I smile and other days I cry hard for you. I know you are in a much better place, and that you were just too much for this evil world. I know that God called you home way before your time for a reason. I guess he just needed an other angel to make Heaven that much more beautiful. I miss you so much, and I often wonder what you would be like. I wonder if you would be such a good baby like your sister Andrea or if you would be the one to keep us up all night. Not that either one would matter because I'd love you no matter what. I wonder what it would be like to be 7 months pregnant while chasing down your sister day in and day out. I wonder how much clothes I would have piled up just for you, and how many pairs of Air Jordan's I would buy you in your lifetime. I wonder if you'd grow up to be a baseball star or play an instrument. I wonder about a lot of things, and I guess that's all I'll ever be able to do.

There is something I dont ever wonder about. I dont ever wonder if Andrea would love you like no other. I know she would be head over heals for you, and barrage you with kisses and hugs all day long. She would fall in love you just as fast as I fell in love with you. Gabriel I miss you with all I've got, and I love you with all I've ever had, all I have, and all I'll ever have. I promise to never forget you, and I'll carry you with me wherever this life may take me. You will always be my first son, and you will always be the missing link in my life. How I wish you could have been even for just one moment. I would do anything in this life just to feel you kick inside of me, see you move even if the result were the same. Just to have you for one more minute to love and to hold deep inside of me. I love you more than anyone will ever know. Please watch over us, and feel our love for you from all the way down here. Mommy will NEVER ever forget you, and I will never stop missing you. I love you my baby boy, I love you more than words can ever describe.