A year without you

365 days, 52 weeks, 1 whole year. That's how long it's been since the day my world fell apart, came crashing down, and our lives were forever changed. I miss you just as much as the day we got the news. I remember November 24th, 2009 as clearly as if it was today. I can literally still repeat everyone of my steps that day. I can tell you what I was wearing, what time I was doing what, and what I said to the people I held conversations with that day. I remember that nervous feeling, but not because I was worried something was wrong, but rather because we would find out if Andrea would have a sister or a brother. We would get to announce the baby's sex at the dinner table two days later at Thanksgiving. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would go through the motion of eating during Thanksgiving at my mom's just so that nobody would say anything about me not eating, and telling me it was gonna be okay. It wasn't okay, a mother isn't supposed to see their baby die.

A lot has happened since that cold rainy day. I remember coming home from the doctors office. It was the longest car ride ever. It started to rain hard at one point, and I remember that rain not being enough to keep up with the tears I was crying inside and out. A feeling of just wanting to go under a rock and never see anybody ever again. Your life is shattered into a million little pieces, it almost became so meaningless. Nothing mattered, but yet everything still mattered. I still had a little girl to live for, I still had another baby to give my world to. I think that's got to be one of the hardest things. You love both your children so much, one was just ripped from you, and the other needs you more than ever. Looking back, I dont know if I would have made it out of this alive if it weren't for Andrea.

I think of Gabriel every single day. The tears dont flow from my eyes everyday anymore like they did the first few months, but my heart is always constantly crying for him. I wake up each morning to the only pictures we have of him, ultrasound pics. His tiny little ashes right next to the picture. He's here at home with us, and will be until one of us is called home. He's everywhere I go. He's in the tiniest of snowflakes in the winter, in every drop of rain, he's right there in the beautiful garden of flowers, he's that sun that keeps me warm.

Today Gabriel would be 7 months old. It's hard seeing baby boys not to far from that age. It's hard to not imagine what he would be like. All the things Andrea and him would start doing together. It's hard to not think what my life would be like with a 2 and half year old, and a 7 month old. Who's smile would he have. What would he grow up to be? Those are all questions I will never have the answer to, but I've slowly learned to accept that. I've learned that I've got something more special than that, I have a child that was far to beautiful for this earth. God had greater plans for him. It hasn't been the easiest thing to learn, and I still struggle many days, but it makes more sense each day.

Losing Gabriel changed who I am. I can't lie, I'm far from the person I was before 1:30Pm 11/24/09. I have learned to be gentler, be more appreciative, not let the little things get to me as easily. I've learned to be more patient, I've learned that spending quality time with my daughter is far more important than making sure the dishes are always clean. My marriage is much stronger, and I love and appreciate my husband so much more. Most importantly I lean on God more than ever. I know I made it out of this because of the prayers my mom said for me, because of the prayers my family and friends said for us.

I also have learned who I can count on, and who will be there holding my hand when things go bad in life. Ive learned to say no sometimes, and Ive learned that its ok to give myself a break, and just worry about me every now and than. Ive learned that if people cant accept that, than maybe they arent really friends. All this a tiny little boy I held in my womb for 20 weeks taught me.

Today I would do anything in this life to hold Gabriel in my arms, even if just for a minute. I dont know what it's like to look a son in his eyes, but I'm confident that one day I will, and while that other son wont be Gabe, he will have a piece of him in him.

Thanks to all those that sent cards, flowers, prayed for us, or just sat quietly thinking of us during the hardest time of our life a year ago. Please pray for us again today and throughout this holiday season as it is still a struggle especially during this time.

Thanksgiving week

It's here again. It snuck up on me this year, and I've got such mixed emotions about it. This week will also mark the one year anniversary of learning that Gabriel was no longer with us. Thanksgiving was non-existent to me last year. I wanted to just hide under a rock, and never come out. This year I have a million things to be thankful for, but I still miss my baby, and just the thought of him being gone for a year already breaks my heart all over again. I hope to have a lot more smiles this year at the Thanksgiving table, but I know he will always be a beautiful memory in the back of my head. We shall see how this week treats us.