2010 in Review

I was sitting here reading through my blogs from 2009. My last blog for 2009 was my year in review, and in the end I wrote "I hope next year's review is much better". Well here we are, the end of 2010. Wow! Can't believe this year is coming to an end. Overall, I think it's been a good year, but it's been a year of a lot healing and soul searching. It's been a year of becoming a better human being, a better wife, and a better mother.

2010 started out well. We were still grieving over the loss of Gabe, as a matter of fact we still are, but Beto and I decided that this would be our year, and that it was up to us to make the best of it. We were eating so healthy, and working out like humans are intended to. Lol. I mean we were feeling so good about ourselves, and seeing our bodies transforming was awesome. I was feeling really good about myself, and felt like this was really the year that would change us for good.

We missed Gabriel so much, and knew another child could never replace him, but we still wanted that large family so we decided to go ahead and try again. I got pregnant again rather quickly. Unfortunately for us, our world came crashing down again by our first appointment in mid-march. Baby was measuring 2 weeks behind, and there was no heartbeat. Dr. wanted me to keep coming in each week, but there was never a change. I had my second D&C on Good Friday April 2, 2010. It seemed as though I was losing babies during the holiday's.

That second loss really turned my world upside down. It was a few days before Gabriel's due date, and it just made me question everything. I was really angry, hurt, and confused. I didnt understand why I was having such a hard time keeping a baby. I mean we wanted a big family, and here we were struggling just to have a 2nd take home child. I was pissed off at God because I felt like here we were wanting these kids, and so many people out there have no problem getting rid of theirs.

Gabriel's due date was on April 8th. Beto, Andy, and I took a trip downstate to some of the state parks. It was a beautiful day. Very emotional, and and hard to get through, but I wouldn't have celebrated his day any other way. We will be doing the same thing every year from now on to celebrate his day. Andy and any other children that may come will always know they have a brother in heaven, and that he is just as important to us as they are.

It was with a lot of pain and long sleepless nights that I decided it was best for me to stop watching the kids I was watching. I loved them, and I had a great connection to them, but I knew my heart wasn't in it the way those kids deserved for me to be in it. I needed a break. I fell in a deep dark hole for a while. I needed time to heal, and figure out what I needed from this life. I knew that if I didnt do that for myself I'd never get to where I needed to be.

As the summer approached the sun was starting to shine a bit brighter in my life. My brother was getting married to my best friend of 14 years. I was really excited for them, but there was a few things I needed to get off my chest. I did, and I'm so happy I did. Those are things I've learned from losing Gabe. I dont hold back my feelings as much anymore. I know it's not healthy to bottle everything up. Their wedding was in July, and it was a week of great partying. My family was all here together. I often thought of Gabe through those days, and I missed him. I knew most of my family would've been meeting him for the first time.

The rest of the summer was filled with lots of fun activities for Andy, and just spending time with family and friends. It's a summer I'll never forget, and I vowed to make it the best summer for Andrea. We closed our summer with a trip to Wisconsin Dells. It was some of the best days of my life in a long time. I had so much fun, and it was just very relaxing. My body really needed that getaway.

In September Beto and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. Can't believe all that we've been through in those 3 years. Can't believe how much we've grown, and how much we've learned to just let go. We also were given a very special surprise we hope is meant to be.

Beto went away to Singapore in October for 2 weeks, and than for a week to Mexico shortly after. It was the longest we've been away from each other since I was in college. That experience did a lot for us too. I think it helped us appreciate each other more, and I know I can't live without him.

The one year anniversary of losing Gabriel came. I can't believe that it's been an entire year. I wonder everyday what would've been, but I also know what is. The holidays are never easy, but this year had a different tone than last years. I will always miss my son, and I will never forget him.

Overall, this year brought a lot of smiles to our face. Andrea is the light of my life. She learned how to talk this year. Her speech therapy has done wonders, and she cracks me up everyday. I love watching her grow, and even through the tantrums I wouldn't change watching her grow up everyday for the life of me.

As this year comes to a close, I've got many hopes and dreams for 2011. 2010 was a year for me to heal, and learn how to live without Gabriel. I hope for 2011 to be a year of continuing to watch Andrea grow, and just bring lots of smiles to our face. I hope that 2011 gives us another take home baby, and that our financial situation finally comes full circle. I hope to participate in the March of Dimes walk again. I hope to give more of myself to those that I love most. I hope to continue to grow closer to God, and just be a better human being. Another year, more hopes and dreams. Here's to a better 2011 for all of us.

Another Christmas without you

Christmas is only 2 days away. The holidays will always be a bittersweet time for me. We lost Gabe during the holidays, and it's always painful to know he isn't here with us, but it's Christmas, and the family gatherings and watching our daughter is always helpful.

This would've been Gabe's first Christmas with us. He would be 8 months old. I often pass by the baby section at the stores, and now that I see all the cute outfits, I wonder which one I would have picked out for him. He would also have "my 1st Christmas" outfit on. It's all these things I guess you ponder on on your own. It's like the lights are just a bit dimmer than what they were before we lost him, but they aren't completely shut off cause he's everywhere.

There's a song in Spanish by Marco Antonio Solis called "Otra Navidad sin ti", translated "Another Christmas without you". I often listen to it during this time, and I guess it just brings comfort in some ways.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year, but my boy not being here will always be something I'll miss.