Sometimes I just get flashbacks of all the events that took place within the 24 hours of giving birth to Joaquin. Sitting here at my inlaws on Sunday evenings just gets to me sometimes. I just remember being pretty pregnant, but not pregnant enough. I had a typical pregnant woman's meal that night. My husband went out and got me a burger, chili, and fries from Wendy's. I ate all of it rather quickly. It didn't settle very well though. I didnt sleep well at all that night, but I just figured it was pregnancy pains. No biggie. If only I had known that in less than 24 hours I'd be in labor.
I'm not upset at the fact that Joaquin came early, but sometimes I do wish I had gotten that opportunity to carry him all the way up until my c-section date. I enjoy being pregnant. I love feeling the baby kick, even when it's at three in the morning. I guess I just wish I could have enjoyed that for a few more weeks.
I also often have flashbacks about how exhausting and scary our time in the NICU was. Yet it all seems like a blur. I feel like I was just going through the motions at times without really knowing exactly what was going on, and how seriously ill my little boy was.
I got a detailed hospital bill from his stay, and I just felt my heart sink when I read the words "resucitated", "critical care", and "oxygen" over and over on the bill. It just put everything into perspective, and made the whole thing all that more real. I'm thankful to God Joaquin is with us, and seems to be doing so awesomely well (17ish lbs at 3.5 months), but it's hard to not think of what could have gone wrong, and how everything did happen.
I dont know, maybe I should go talk to someone about all of this. I seem to be doing better most days, but than I have my series of days where it all just consumes all over again. I think it may be time to pick up the phone.