Sometimes I just wanna blab

and that's why I have my blog, so today I'm just gonna blab about everything. I got Beto to drag me out to the mall early today. It was actually nice being out. Just the three of us early in the morning. We got some stuff for ourselves which was nice for a change. Andy came home beat, and is now napping. Today is Beto's company holiday party. I'm really looking forward to it, and getting out of the house, but I have an immense guilt about drinking. Yes I know it is ridiculous, but I feel so 50/50 about having a drink. I need a drink to just kick back and relax, but I also dont want to be able to drink. I want to be 23 weeks pregnant. I want to have a cute little belly that everyone just looks at. I want Gabriel to be kicking and punching reminding me he is inside of me, and I'm not allowed to have a drink. This is our 3rd XMAS party with RTS, and each year I haven't really been able to drink because I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. This year isn't supposed to be any different.

So many mixed emotions run through my blood right now. I'm sad, mad, angry, happy, okay. I have two lives now, the one before we found out Gabriel was gone, and the one after. I'm trying to figure out my families "new normal". I'm trying so hard to live as normal of a life for my Andrea. I'm trying so hard to enjoy this Christmas for her. She is the reason I get up each morning. I thank God each and everyday for her because I think I would have gone crazy if I didnt have her, and I had lost Gabriel.

I feel like sometimes I wake up and put a smile on my face so that the people that have been here for me through of all this dont worry about it, and they feel like I'm not falling apart. I dont like to be a debbie downer. I'm so thankful I have Beto because he's the only person in this world that totally and completely understands exactly what i'm feeling. He has been amazing through all of this, and I can say that things have gotten better because of him. I know I sound like a bi-polar freak where sometimes I'm so sad, and at other times I do smile sincerely. I guess I'm learning to live happily again with a little angel in heaven. It's almost like you start to live two lives. The one you are in and happens everyday where you laugh smile and live, and the little world that I go into where it hurts like hell to know I had a son that just couldn't be here with us.

I know God is watching over all of us, and giving us the strength to carry on. I have learned to love a little more, be patient a little more, and most importantly I've learned to pray a little more. That's the end of my gibberish for today.