It's official

It's been an entire week since I blogged. I guess I've just been super busy, and beat by the end of the day. I went in for one last ultrasound yesterday to confirm there was no growth. I dont know, but I guess a part of me was hoping for a miracle. I didn't tell myself that everything was going to be fine because I already knew that everything wasn't going to be fine, but a part of me wished for some crazy miracle.

I'm doing a bit better than I thought I would, but I feel like I haven't really been able to process it until I go in for my d&c on Friday. Seems like I'm stuck losing my babies during holidays. Have I become a pro at this? I mean it's only been 2 times, and I pray to God, it's not anymore, but I guess I'm used to the routine at this point. I didn't need a dr. telling me what to expect. I know exactly what happens, I know exactly how I will feel. This makes me so sad. I shouldn't know what all this is like.

Gabriel would have have been born next Thursday. Wow! Can't believe it. I just wonder how things would be right now. I'd be as big as a house, and the thought of little boy clothes all over the house kinda gives me shivers. I dont know what it's like to care for a boy, but I know exactly what it's like to love a son. How I wish things were so different. I love and miss him more and more.

If you are reading this, please say a prayer on Friday. I'll need it.