I feel terrible that I didnt blog on April 8th, but we were in the middle of a move, and really being online was the last thing on my mind. Gabriel's day didn't go without notice though. I can't believe my little boy would have been one already. Hard to believe that I should have a one year old, and almost 3 year old taking up my days.
The day was gloomy and a bit chilly, just like the year before, but it is still Gabe's day, and we will celebrate it every year no matter what. I woke up just figuring since we were literally moving that weekend that we'd just head to breakfast or something as a family, and remember him, but my husband had other plans. We had agreed that each year we would go to Starved Rock and remember him. This year was to be no different. We got up a little late, and even though I was overwhelmed with how much packing was left, Beto assured me it would get done by Sunday. I trusted him, and off we went to Starved Rock.
I'm really glad that I didnt put up a big fuss, and just dropped everything and continued our tradition. It was very relaxing, and just it's just peaceful to be so close to nature. I feel him all over the place and I know he is fine. He will always be my first son, and the 20 short weeks he spent with us will always be special.
Happy 1st birthday Gabe.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
I cried
Saturday was a very emotional day for me. I cried for Gabriel like I hadn't cried in a very long time. I cried for the little baby I lost a year ago on Saturday like I dont think I'd ever really cried. It was a very emotional day for me. It had been one year since my D&C for my early loss, and it was the day of my shower for this little boy that will be here soon.
I was very excited to celebrate the new life that will God-willing be here very soon, but I got so emotional at one point. I use my showers to think about a lot of things, and when I was in the shower on Saturday it just all hit me. As excited and happy I am about this new baby, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was having a baby shower instead of prepping for Gabriel's first birthday, which would have been April 8th.
It hurt like heck to know that I should be getting a first birthday party together not getting ready for a shower. At the same time I felt absolute guilt because I know that if Gabriel was here with us, this little boy we are about to meet would've never been. He deserves all of moms happiness and joy too. It's just a lot of raw emotions right now. There's so much going on, and this is just a very emotional month as it is. I miss Gabriel, but I'm so excited to see what this other boy has in store for us.
It's the story of a mother who loses a child I guess.
I was very excited to celebrate the new life that will God-willing be here very soon, but I got so emotional at one point. I use my showers to think about a lot of things, and when I was in the shower on Saturday it just all hit me. As excited and happy I am about this new baby, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was having a baby shower instead of prepping for Gabriel's first birthday, which would have been April 8th.
It hurt like heck to know that I should be getting a first birthday party together not getting ready for a shower. At the same time I felt absolute guilt because I know that if Gabriel was here with us, this little boy we are about to meet would've never been. He deserves all of moms happiness and joy too. It's just a lot of raw emotions right now. There's so much going on, and this is just a very emotional month as it is. I miss Gabriel, but I'm so excited to see what this other boy has in store for us.
It's the story of a mother who loses a child I guess.