I cried

Saturday was a very emotional day for me. I cried for Gabriel like I hadn't cried in a very long time. I cried for the little baby I lost a year ago on Saturday like I dont think I'd ever really cried. It was a very emotional day for me. It had been one year since my D&C for my early loss, and it was the day of my shower for this little boy that will be here soon.

I was very excited to celebrate the new life that will God-willing be here very soon, but I got so emotional at one point. I use my showers to think about a lot of things, and when I was in the shower on Saturday it just all hit me. As excited and happy I am about this new baby, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was having a baby shower instead of prepping for Gabriel's first birthday, which would have been April 8th.

It hurt like heck to know that I should be getting a first birthday party together not getting ready for a shower. At the same time I felt absolute guilt because I know that if Gabriel was here with us, this little boy we are about to meet would've never been. He deserves all of moms happiness and joy too. It's just a lot of raw emotions right now. There's so much going on, and this is just a very emotional month as it is. I miss Gabriel, but I'm so excited to see what this other boy has in store for us.

It's the story of a mother who loses a child I guess.