When will the sadness subside? When will I stop counting down the days? When will I ever be 100% happy again? Is that even possible?
I miss him and I want him back. I just want to scream so loud at times. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and this world is just turning, and I'm at a standstill. I look at my Andy, and she keeps me going everyday, but I wish so bad I could have given her that baby brother. When she hugs and loves on other babies, it just tears at my heart.
Why? Why couldn't he have just stayed? I would do anything to just hold him in my arms one time, and give him a hug and a kiss just once.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
March for babies walk
So it finally came. Yesterday we did the March of Dimes walk. It was a wet walk, but it was worth every single step!!! I felt so happy crossing that finish line. I knew Gabriel was with us the whole time, and I'm just glad I was able to do something in hopes that one day no parent ever has to lose their child. I can't wait to do it again next year!
I want to take this time to thank all the walkers that joined us, and to all that donated! We ended up meeting our goal of $500 the night before the walk. I'm already starting to plan next year's walk, and will be raising my goal to $1,000.
At the end of the walk a mom from our support group ran into us, and we gave each other a huge hug. She is a very inspiring lady to me, and I think of her a lot when I start getting sad. She's got so much strength, and her story is devastating, but she manages to make the best of life. She is really an inspiration to all.
Life has been very busy, and I haven't been able to keep up with my blog as much as I want/need to, but I'm trying to get back on here on the regular again.
I want to take this time to thank all the walkers that joined us, and to all that donated! We ended up meeting our goal of $500 the night before the walk. I'm already starting to plan next year's walk, and will be raising my goal to $1,000.
At the end of the walk a mom from our support group ran into us, and we gave each other a huge hug. She is a very inspiring lady to me, and I think of her a lot when I start getting sad. She's got so much strength, and her story is devastating, but she manages to make the best of life. She is really an inspiration to all.
Life has been very busy, and I haven't been able to keep up with my blog as much as I want/need to, but I'm trying to get back on here on the regular again.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
blog hiatus
I can't believe I went an entire week without blogging. I missed my little page, but things have gotten so hectic around here that I just never had the time to sit down at night, and keep up. Andrea has had issues going to bed, and staying asleep. I'm not sure if she needs to have a later bedtime or she is going through a phase. Honestly, for my sanity and evening pleasure, I hope she is going through a phase. I like to have those 2 hours before my bedtime to my hubby and I. It really helps prepare for the next day.
Gabriel would have been 10 days old today, and today was my original due date. It doesn't hurt so much to know today would have been my original due date as it hurts to know he would have been 10 days old. I wish I was struggling with sleep, breastfeeding, and just being on a high of having a new baby in my arms. At last it just for whatever reason wasn't meant to be. I just hope he's out there having the time of his life in heaven.
Speaking of my boy, I made some very drastic decisions. I realized that I need a break from a lot of things, and we need to control of the things we can. I can't share those changes completely yet, but once they are finalized they will come out on here. I'm very at peace and happy with these decisions, and I look forward to what the future holds for my family.
Gabriel would have been 10 days old today, and today was my original due date. It doesn't hurt so much to know today would have been my original due date as it hurts to know he would have been 10 days old. I wish I was struggling with sleep, breastfeeding, and just being on a high of having a new baby in my arms. At last it just for whatever reason wasn't meant to be. I just hope he's out there having the time of his life in heaven.
Speaking of my boy, I made some very drastic decisions. I realized that I need a break from a lot of things, and we need to control of the things we can. I can't share those changes completely yet, but once they are finalized they will come out on here. I'm very at peace and happy with these decisions, and I look forward to what the future holds for my family.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Now more than ever!
I dont know if I'm more sad now over the loss of Gabriel or back when we first found out. I find myself thinking of him more and more. First it was knowing the day he should be here was coming, and now that his day has come and gone I feel like I'm drowning. I wonder each and every minute of my day what it would feel like to hold a newborn baby boy in my arms. I wonder what we would be doing with him at this precise moment. I wonder if he would have as much hair as Andrea did. I wonder if he would be just as good of a sleeper as she was.
I feel like I'm suffocating because I want him so bad more than ever. I want the excitement of bringing home a new baby in my life. I want to see how Andy does with a new baby. I want to manage having two kids under two. I want Gabriel so freaking bad, and I hate that I can't have him. It's starting to drive me absolutely insane to know he should be here, and he's not. I'm starting to feel real pissed off that he won't be at my niece's birthday party next week, he won't be at my cousin's first communion in two weeks, he wont be at my brother's wedding this summer. I never thought I'd be right back where I was all over again.
I don't want another baby, I want the one I had, I know I have a beautiful daughter to be so thankful for, but I want her to know Gabriel so bad. God I never thought this would be hard. I constantly think about how old he would be now, and what he would be doing. I'd most likely be bringing home tomorrow.
I just feel like I dont know how I'm going to crawl out of bed everyday, but I know I have my Andy to live for.
I feel like I'm suffocating because I want him so bad more than ever. I want the excitement of bringing home a new baby in my life. I want to see how Andy does with a new baby. I want to manage having two kids under two. I want Gabriel so freaking bad, and I hate that I can't have him. It's starting to drive me absolutely insane to know he should be here, and he's not. I'm starting to feel real pissed off that he won't be at my niece's birthday party next week, he won't be at my cousin's first communion in two weeks, he wont be at my brother's wedding this summer. I never thought I'd be right back where I was all over again.
I don't want another baby, I want the one I had, I know I have a beautiful daughter to be so thankful for, but I want her to know Gabriel so bad. God I never thought this would be hard. I constantly think about how old he would be now, and what he would be doing. I'd most likely be bringing home tomorrow.
I just feel like I dont know how I'm going to crawl out of bed everyday, but I know I have my Andy to live for.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Big Day
Gabriel's big day came and went. I wanted to write last night, but we were gone ALL day, and by the time I made it back in, I was so exhausted. Where do I even begin? Beto surprised me on Wednesday. He had called in the parents of my both the kids I babysit, and told them I was unable to watch them on Thursday, and than he planned a day trip to downstate Illinois.
We left the house about 5:30 A.M., and made it to Peoria by about 8:15ish. We grabbed a bite to eat, and head to the Wildlife Prairie. It was a beautiful sunny day out in Peoria. Andrea had a great time walking around the forest, and seeing some animals. I felt really at peace, and being so in touch with nature made me feel very in touch with Gabriel. I felt him all around.
We headed out to Starved Rock about noonish, and that was amazing!!! I can't wait to go visit during the summer for a weekend. Wow! It's a great scenery. We hiked some trails for a bit, and finally found the perfect spot. There was a lake looking down, we were on top of some rocks, and you can just see another cliff on the other side. The sound of the water was very calming. It was quite cloudy out by this time, and it looked like it may rain. We just stood there in silence for a few minutes. Andrea was very intrigued by the whole thing, and she was silently looking around too. I knew that was Gabe's place. That's where we would come remember him every year. It was so perfect. There were tears flowing down our faces, and we missed our son really bad. Just as Beto and I held each other, a small glimmer of sun broke through the clouds. We knew it was Gabe letting us know he was there.
It was a very emotional day. I thought about him a lot while we were driving. I wondered what it would have been like if we were in a hospital room holding him instead of being out in the country. I wondered why it just wasn't meant to be. I wished so bad I was holding my newborn son. At the end of the day though this is our reality, and all we can do is talk to him wherever we are.
I can't thank Beto enough for planning this very special day for us. Andrea enjoyed herself very much, and it was exactly what I needed.
Til we meet again Gabriel! See you at Starved Rock again next April 8th.
We left the house about 5:30 A.M., and made it to Peoria by about 8:15ish. We grabbed a bite to eat, and head to the Wildlife Prairie. It was a beautiful sunny day out in Peoria. Andrea had a great time walking around the forest, and seeing some animals. I felt really at peace, and being so in touch with nature made me feel very in touch with Gabriel. I felt him all around.
We headed out to Starved Rock about noonish, and that was amazing!!! I can't wait to go visit during the summer for a weekend. Wow! It's a great scenery. We hiked some trails for a bit, and finally found the perfect spot. There was a lake looking down, we were on top of some rocks, and you can just see another cliff on the other side. The sound of the water was very calming. It was quite cloudy out by this time, and it looked like it may rain. We just stood there in silence for a few minutes. Andrea was very intrigued by the whole thing, and she was silently looking around too. I knew that was Gabe's place. That's where we would come remember him every year. It was so perfect. There were tears flowing down our faces, and we missed our son really bad. Just as Beto and I held each other, a small glimmer of sun broke through the clouds. We knew it was Gabe letting us know he was there.
It was a very emotional day. I thought about him a lot while we were driving. I wondered what it would have been like if we were in a hospital room holding him instead of being out in the country. I wondered why it just wasn't meant to be. I wished so bad I was holding my newborn son. At the end of the day though this is our reality, and all we can do is talk to him wherever we are.
I can't thank Beto enough for planning this very special day for us. Andrea enjoyed herself very much, and it was exactly what I needed.
Til we meet again Gabriel! See you at Starved Rock again next April 8th.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
tomorrow
Wow! Tomorrow is April 8th, 2010. Gabriel would have been born tomorrow. I can't believe he's been gone for as long as I carried him. I gave Andrea an extra long kiss good night just like I would have if tonight would have worked out the way it was supposed to. I told her I loved her very much, and to sleep tight. How I wish I could tell her I'd be bringing her a sweet baby boy home. She would have been at grandma's house, and I would probably be doing some crazy last minute cleaning up or something.
We are going to go downstate for a few hours, and just spend the day as a family. We plan to make it a tradition every year. Tomorrow is Gabriel's day, and it will always be his day. Beto has the whole day planned out, and I'm so thankful for that. I just hope that the day passes by as best it can.
We are going to go downstate for a few hours, and just spend the day as a family. We plan to make it a tradition every year. Tomorrow is Gabriel's day, and it will always be his day. Beto has the whole day planned out, and I'm so thankful for that. I just hope that the day passes by as best it can.
Monday, April 5, 2010
I survived
Yet another D &C. I came and went. I must say this one was a lot smoother than the first. I let them know I had awful nausea and dizziness the first time around, and they gave me meds beforehand. That did wonders for me. I was also much less crampy and stuff this time. So at least that part was easier. Now it's the real hard part, the emotional part, the trying to move forward part, the what to do next part.
It's been especially difficult with it having been Easter, and now being the week Gabe would be coming home. All I kept thinking about was how big of a freaking belly I should have right now, how I should barely be able to keep up with Andrea. How we are supposed to be getting prepared for a new baby. I keep thinking how at the very least I should be 10 weeks pregnant. I'm neither of those, and it stings like a freaking bee over and over.
It's been especially difficult with it having been Easter, and now being the week Gabe would be coming home. All I kept thinking about was how big of a freaking belly I should have right now, how I should barely be able to keep up with Andrea. How we are supposed to be getting prepared for a new baby. I keep thinking how at the very least I should be 10 weeks pregnant. I'm neither of those, and it stings like a freaking bee over and over.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I turned the page
It is April 1st, 2010. We have a family calendar hanging on the kitchen wall. I look at it everyday. Each month is dedicated to a different household on my husband's side of the family. We requested April this year. It is Gabriel's month. He would have been born on April 8th, 2010. I would have a scheduled c-section, and it had to be 10 days before my actual due date, so that was going to be his official birthdate. I felt so odd picking a day for my baby to be born, but I liked Thursday April 8th. I like the number 8 a lot. My cousin Jordan was 8 when he passed away, 8 was his baseball number, his momma put a green shirt with the #8 on it when they pulled the plug on him, my birthday is on July 8th, my brother's is October 8th, Andy's birthday is the day after July 8th :). It just made perfect sense to me.
Anyway, I turned the page on the calendar, and I knew exactly what was coming, a picture of Gabriel's first ultrasound, 2 beautiful quotes, a family pic, and a slide of Andrea's silliest faces. Whoa! It just hit me like a ton of bricks. It's such a bittersweet feeling to see this month's pictures. I wondered if everybody else that has this family calendar turned the page today, and understood my pain. I wonder if anybody said a prayer for us. I wonder what it would be like to not have a picture of my son's ultrasound on there because he was coming home in 7 days. God when did my life get flipped around?
I really thought I was doing better, and I think I really was until I lost yet another pregnancy. The fact that I'm having a d&c 5 days before Gabriel's should be birthday does not help things at all. I mean I shouldn't have to go into the hospital until next week, and it's to bring a baby home, not to have another one removed from my body. I feel like I'm right back to where I was on December 1st.
Anyway, I turned the page on the calendar, and I knew exactly what was coming, a picture of Gabriel's first ultrasound, 2 beautiful quotes, a family pic, and a slide of Andrea's silliest faces. Whoa! It just hit me like a ton of bricks. It's such a bittersweet feeling to see this month's pictures. I wondered if everybody else that has this family calendar turned the page today, and understood my pain. I wonder if anybody said a prayer for us. I wonder what it would be like to not have a picture of my son's ultrasound on there because he was coming home in 7 days. God when did my life get flipped around?
I really thought I was doing better, and I think I really was until I lost yet another pregnancy. The fact that I'm having a d&c 5 days before Gabriel's should be birthday does not help things at all. I mean I shouldn't have to go into the hospital until next week, and it's to bring a baby home, not to have another one removed from my body. I feel like I'm right back to where I was on December 1st.