It is April 1st, 2010. We have a family calendar hanging on the kitchen wall. I look at it everyday. Each month is dedicated to a different household on my husband's side of the family. We requested April this year. It is Gabriel's month. He would have been born on April 8th, 2010. I would have a scheduled c-section, and it had to be 10 days before my actual due date, so that was going to be his official birthdate. I felt so odd picking a day for my baby to be born, but I liked Thursday April 8th. I like the number 8 a lot. My cousin Jordan was 8 when he passed away, 8 was his baseball number, his momma put a green shirt with the #8 on it when they pulled the plug on him, my birthday is on July 8th, my brother's is October 8th, Andy's birthday is the day after July 8th :). It just made perfect sense to me.
Anyway, I turned the page on the calendar, and I knew exactly what was coming, a picture of Gabriel's first ultrasound, 2 beautiful quotes, a family pic, and a slide of Andrea's silliest faces. Whoa! It just hit me like a ton of bricks. It's such a bittersweet feeling to see this month's pictures. I wondered if everybody else that has this family calendar turned the page today, and understood my pain. I wonder if anybody said a prayer for us. I wonder what it would be like to not have a picture of my son's ultrasound on there because he was coming home in 7 days. God when did my life get flipped around?
I really thought I was doing better, and I think I really was until I lost yet another pregnancy. The fact that I'm having a d&c 5 days before Gabriel's should be birthday does not help things at all. I mean I shouldn't have to go into the hospital until next week, and it's to bring a baby home, not to have another one removed from my body. I feel like I'm right back to where I was on December 1st.
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I flipped my calender as well and wanted to text you but then again what would I say. I had a smile as I turned the calender and then I felt a sharp pain on my chest. I thought of you and Beto and the pain that you guys feel. At that moment I wished I had a remedy to cure those wounds on your hearts. But I didn't and I felt for you, I walked into my rooms asking God to help you through this whole month. I'm not a mother and don't know what if feels to lose a baby, but I know that pain of losing someone you love. I know what it feels like to want someone or something but you can't have them. I felt that pressure on my chest. I did pray and continue to pray at nights. I prayed for you that day, for your next day surgery, for Tio Agustin's as well. Two family surgeries on Good Friday was somewhat comforting because I knew God was going to be with both of you, with all of you. I will continue to pray for you guys so that God can send your guys some comfort. Like the Homily said today, the wombs will always be there, but you'll learn to live with them as days pass.
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