Now more than ever!

I dont know if I'm more sad now over the loss of Gabriel or back when we first found out. I find myself thinking of him more and more. First it was knowing the day he should be here was coming, and now that his day has come and gone I feel like I'm drowning. I wonder each and every minute of my day what it would feel like to hold a newborn baby boy in my arms. I wonder what we would be doing with him at this precise moment. I wonder if he would have as much hair as Andrea did. I wonder if he would be just as good of a sleeper as she was.

I feel like I'm suffocating because I want him so bad more than ever. I want the excitement of bringing home a new baby in my life. I want to see how Andy does with a new baby. I want to manage having two kids under two. I want Gabriel so freaking bad, and I hate that I can't have him. It's starting to drive me absolutely insane to know he should be here, and he's not. I'm starting to feel real pissed off that he won't be at my niece's birthday party next week, he won't be at my cousin's first communion in two weeks, he wont be at my brother's wedding this summer. I never thought I'd be right back where I was all over again.

I don't want another baby, I want the one I had, I know I have a beautiful daughter to be so thankful for, but I want her to know Gabriel so bad. God I never thought this would be hard. I constantly think about how old he would be now, and what he would be doing. I'd most likely be bringing home tomorrow.

I just feel like I dont know how I'm going to crawl out of bed everyday, but I know I have my Andy to live for.