Annual review

I like to review my year every year. 2011 brought on many many challenges, many smiles, and a beautiful blessing. Here is my recap:

January: The year started out without much going on. We knew Beto would be leaving to Singapore for an entire month on January 29th. The night he left I had plans with friends to go to dinner and come back to the house for some Just Dance fun. I cleaned up like it was nobody's business, and was ready for a girls night out.

I made it out to dinner with the girls, but we ended up in labor and delivery. I was having crazy contractions, and I even ended up throwing up from the pain. I was exactly 24 weeks and 1 day. Barely viable. I was so scared that I would deliver a baby that night, and he'd hardly have a chance. My friends are amazing and kept me pretty distracted through the 5 hours I was there. Thankfully after a few glasses of water and some rest the contractions stopped, and I was able to go home with a baby still in my womb.

February- We got hit with the snowstorm of the century. OMG did it snow! I thankfully left to my moms house about an hour or two before it got really bad. I would've hated to be stuck at home with Andrea by myself for that long. It was fun being a part of that history, but I was so glad I had a ticket to Vegas the day after the super bowl. Andrea and I visited my parents for 2 weeks. I really wish I had gone the entire month. It was by far the most relaxing, enjoyable time I had in a long time. I really had a hard time coming back. The only bright side was that I got to see the hubby again after a month.

March- Guess what?? C-section got moved from May 11th to May 3rd. Dr. didnt want to risk me having any type of contractions and going into labor. Guess what else?? The house that I lived in for 25 years was on the market, and we had buyers in less than 2 weeks!! Talk about a swirl of emotions. I was excited for new beginnings, but overwhelmed with leaving sweet memories of my childhood behind. Started packing immediately. It takes a long time packing up 25 years of memories.

April- The beginning of a long long series of life changing events! My amazing friends and family threw me a shower. So very thankful for them. I was apprehensive to have a shower for many reasons, but I'm so thankful they did it for me. That was on April 2nd. It was beautiful, and I could tell how much this baby was already loved.

April 10th I said goodbye to my home for the last time. We moved in with the in-laws til we found something of our own. I tried to prep for this baby as much as I could, and enjoy my last few weeks with Andrea as much as possible.

On April 18th everything changed. I woke up feeling out of it, but still took Andy to her mom and tot class. I came home fed her lunch, and forced myself to eat something. It didnt sit very well, and I knew something was up. I hadn't really felt the baby move either. Called the OB, and she told me it'd probably be best to go to the hospital. I drove myself there with Andrea. Beto and my brother in law met me there. Brother in law took Andrea home, and I figured I'd be home in a few hours.

(The events that took place from here until about August almost seem like a big exaggeration, and I'd find hard to believe if it hadn't been it happened to, but I promise it's all true)

I got IV's,and I kept throwing up. The contractions weren't slowing, and the on-call dr. decided it was necessary for baby to come out that night. Baby didnt have a name, I had barely unpacked our stuff, much less the baby's. I had another 2 weeks before his arrival. Nope, he was coming that night at 35 weeks 5 days. It was April 18th, 2011. My original due date with Gabriel was April 18th, 2010. I knew it was just meant to be. All I could do is pray that I was far along enough that baby would be ok. I got prepped for a c-section, and we welcomed a perfect baby boy at 10:54Pm weighing 6lbs 1oz and 18 inches long.

He spent 18 days in the NICU with some serious breathing issues at first. It was such a roller coaster, and we had so many ups and downs.

I was losing a ton of blood right after delivery, and was worked on for several hours. Thinking back, I have no idea how I survived all of that. I finally got to see my baby boy after 2 days. I think we finally agreed on a name on day 5. The day I was released from the hospital. Joaquin Jeronimo. Nice strong name for my little fighter.

May- After 18 long days with many setbacks including a milk, soy, and egg allergy discovery, my baby came home May 5th. It's nerve wrecking bringing home any newborn. It was terrifying bringing Joaquin home. I was so afraid of him d-stating or something else happening. Thankfully he did wonderful.

May17th I'm rushed to the hospital in excruciating pain. Seriously, Id rather be in labor than ever feel this pain again. Ended up having my gall bladder removed on May 18th. My baby turned a month old that day, and I wasn't even home to hold him. It was difficult. I had to pump and dump cause of the meds, and I could hardly eat anything because of the baby's allergies. I got sent home, and was on the way to recovery. 2 days later I'm right back in the ER with the same crazy pain! I thought I was dying. I really did. Turns out some of the sludge had spilled into my stomach lining. I had minor surgery again. My Goddaughter made her 1st Communion, and I was stuck in a hospital bed. It sucked! I finally made it home, and was recovering from labor, c-section, losing a ton of blood, and gall bladder surgery all at once. We survived May.

June- We all joked that it had been 2 weeks since anyone had gone to a hospital. Silly us! My mom ended up in the hospital for a few days in early June. She had a really really really bad case of Vertigo. It was scary. The doctors thought she had a stroke at one point. By this point I was struggling. Thank God for great husband, family and friends.

On June 18th Joaquin was baptized, and we had a nice little luncheon with our closest friends and family. It was a roller coaster month trying to adjust to two kids, trying to make up for so much time lost with hospital visits with Andrea, but we survived.

July-It brought us a lot of smiles. My parents had gone back to Vegas after having been here since Joaquin arrived. It was the first year they weren't here for my brother, Andrea, and I birthday in many years. By now I was getting used to being a mom of 2, and being in the hospital was finally a thing of the past 3 months.

I turned 29 and Andrea turned 3 a day after me. Beto quit his job, and landed a much better job with a company he is much happier with. We signed a lease for the home we are in now. The house had been on the market, and we knew we couldn't buy it right now, but I just decided to drive by to look at it for the hell of it. Lo and behold they were looking to lease it now. It's right across the street from a great school, and my brother and sister in law live a block away.

August-We moved into our new home, and I couldn't be happier. I love the place, and feel very comfortable here. I dont think it's our forever home, but for now I'm quite content here. August was pretty quiet for the most part.

I also ran my first 5k!!! What an accomplishment. I NEVER imagined myself being able to do that. It had to be one of the proudest moments in my life. I can't wait to do it again! I ran a 5k in 36 minutes, 4 months after having given birth. :)

September- Beto and I celebrated 4 years of marriage. Wow! Where does the time go?? Crazy. I started babysitting Sophia again, and Ms. Andrea started pre-school. It was a good month overall. Joaquin was doing good, and is just such a happy baby.

October- By now I had gotten used to having 3 kids under my care for most of the day, and I was having fun with it. Joaquin continued to grow, and be strong and healthy. Unfortunately, he did get his first cold at the end of the month, and we took our first ER trip. Thankfully it was nothing big, and he went home after a couple of hours.

November- Andrea, Joaquin, and I left for Vegas! My cousin Ivette got married, and it was just nice to get away for the week. Both of the kids did amazing on the plane, and had fun on vacation.

We got back, and were prepping for the beginning of the holidays. November is a very somber month for me. November 24th fell on Thanksgiving day this year. 2 years without my baby boy. I was feeling very very sad. I thought about him so much this entire month, and just wondered what he would be like.

Joaquin got very sick again, and this time we ended up in the hospital on Nov. 24th at around 5am. He was not breathing right, and had very low oxygen levels. I almost feel Gabe wanted my mind preoccupied with other things, and so I wouldn't feel so sad on Thanksgiving. Joaquin spent four days in the hospital. It's scary seeing him like that, and I guess it just raises my anxiety. Thank God he got better, and we got to come home.

December- Here we are. Last month of the year. Christmas time. It all started out rough, and I wasn't feeling very much in the spirit, but as always God comes through. Andrea went tree shopping with her daddy, and they brought back an oversized pretty tree. She was really excited about it. Having her so excited about the holidays really put me in the mood. Christmas was nice, I loved watching the glow in my kids eyes. Joaquin was the cutest Santa I've ever seen (I'm a little biased) :). Missing my Gabe like always, but he seems to be around here all the time. I know he's fine. I just can't wait to finally be able to hold him in my arms one day.

It wasn't exactly the year I had planned, but we survived. God saw us through some rough times, and I did something I hadn't been able to do in the last few years. Due to Joaquin's allergies, I went on a very strict dairy and soy free diet. I ended up losing 45lbs! I'm not anywhere near where I want to be, but I know I'm on the right path. I haven't felt this well in a long time.

Another year is in the books, and I look forward to what 2012 has to offer.

2 years

I wrote this post on 11/24. I never got a chance to actually post it because Joaquin got very sick, and we ended up spending 4 days in the hospital.

I know it's been forever since I've been on here. Everytime I go on a hiatus, I tell myself I'll be back to normal, but lets face it, I just dont have the time right now, but I do need to take it. This is very therapeutic for me, and God knows I need some therapy right now. :)

Anyway, today I am writing because it is November 24th. For the country it's Thanksgiving Day. For me it's 2nd anniversary of the day I lost my precious Gabriel. So many things have happened in the last two years, yet the pain remains the same. I miss him. I miss him a lot. So today I write my baby a letter:

My baby boy:

I miss you. I can't believe it's been 2 years since I last held you in my womb. I would give the world to go back to that moment where you still lived inside of me. I love you, and I'm so thankful to God that I got to be your mom, and that I got to carry you for 20 weeks. I sincerely hope you never felt any pain.

I still remember everything about that dreadful day. The clothes I wore, the weather, the conversations I held. You were supposed to be the big news at Thanksgiving dinner. We would let the family know if you were a boy or a girl. All of Facebook was awaiting for my update. I couldn't do it. It took me hours to get the courage to let the world know that you were gone. I contemplated not updating, but I felt that was unfair to everyone too. Plus, I knew I need every prayer, and word of encouragement I could use. I miss you.

I remember feeling like a lost puppy with no hope for many many weeks. Your big sister was my only hope. She was the sole reason I was able to go on. I know I dont shed nearly as many tears as I used to those first months, but never think I dont miss you. I do. I have never forgotten about you.

Your little brother is a precious little thing. He smiles at me at the right times. I know he isn't you, and you aren't him, but he's such a good boy, I know in his sleep when he smiles it must be you in his dreams playing with him. He knows you, I'm sure before he came down to earth you were best of buds. I miss you so much my baby boy.

It's not fair, I want you here. I shouldn't have to look at your ashes, and have your sister say goodnight to you in our nightly prayers. I should be able to tuck you into bed just like I do her. I love you.

It may have been 2 years since that horrible awful day, but I still hurt for you. A mother's love runs very deep, and I miss you. I often wonder what could've been. Who you would be like, what you would look like. I wish I had the chance to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead. I wish I could sing you a song, and see your smile. I miss you.

22 years may pass by, but I'll never forget you. I lost some friends, and gained some family over your loss. Taught me so many lessons without ever seeing your precious face. Thank you.

It's Thanksgiving, and as painful as these holidays are without you I still have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful for allowing me to be your mom for life, and your guardian for 20 wonderful weeks.

Flashbacks

Sometimes I just get flashbacks of all the events that took place within the 24 hours of giving birth to Joaquin. Sitting here at my inlaws on Sunday evenings just gets to me sometimes. I just remember being pretty pregnant, but not pregnant enough. I had a typical pregnant woman's meal that night. My husband went out and got me a burger, chili, and fries from Wendy's. I ate all of it rather quickly. It didn't settle very well though. I didnt sleep well at all that night, but I just figured it was pregnancy pains. No biggie. If only I had known that in less than 24 hours I'd be in labor.

I'm not upset at the fact that Joaquin came early, but sometimes I do wish I had gotten that opportunity to carry him all the way up until my c-section date. I enjoy being pregnant. I love feeling the baby kick, even when it's at three in the morning. I guess I just wish I could have enjoyed that for a few more weeks.

I also often have flashbacks about how exhausting and scary our time in the NICU was. Yet it all seems like a blur. I feel like I was just going through the motions at times without really knowing exactly what was going on, and how seriously ill my little boy was.

I got a detailed hospital bill from his stay, and I just felt my heart sink when I read the words "resucitated", "critical care", and "oxygen" over and over on the bill. It just put everything into perspective, and made the whole thing all that more real. I'm thankful to God Joaquin is with us, and seems to be doing so awesomely well (17ish lbs at 3.5 months), but it's hard to not think of what could have gone wrong, and how everything did happen.

I dont know, maybe I should go talk to someone about all of this. I seem to be doing better most days, but than I have my series of days where it all just consumes all over again. I think it may be time to pick up the phone.

Ever wonder

I should be in bed, but it's one of those nights that my mind is racing in so many directions to shut down and sleep.

Do you ever wonder where life would have taken you if you hadn't made that turn, if you hadn't made that decision, or if you would have just had more patience? I know I can't change the past, and I believe that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but wonder.

I wonder about everything. What if I had decided to study something else in college, what if I had never opened up that first credit card, only if...

Every decision that's made leads to another and another and another. I dont think I'd trade in my life for anything else because it's been lessons learned, and it's made me a more compassionate and loving person, but I know there are things I could've done in the past that would've made life much easier now.

I love my children to pieces, and though I would do just about anything to be able to even hold Gabe in my arms for even a minute, it was written that I didnt get that chance for a reason. I miss him so much.

Do you ever wonder?

Anxiety

Why does it come on Sunday nights? I just start to get anxious about everything. I get anxious about what I'm going to do with the kids during the week, I start thinking about money, and just life in general. I need to have a plan, and I need to follow through with the plan. Maybe it's living here that is causing this anxiety. Maybe knowing that although I'm treated very nicely here that it isn't my own. I'm hoping all this settles down once we move.

We got the house we so wanted, and I pray to God this calms a lot of my anxiety down. This is really odd for me as I've never really suffered from anxiety. I hope once we move into the new house all of this goes away. I dont like the feeling, and I want to be in control of things. This has been so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I just want my own space and my routines back.

I have this vision of how things will be when we move into the house, and I'm trying not to build my expectations to high, but at the same time I hope and pray to God that it's the change we really need. That it's what's been holding me back from feeling normal these last few months. I'm afraid of this feeling not stopping, but I'm very hopeful it will.

I dont think this blog made much sense at all, but at the same time it felt good just to type it out. Hope is all you can hang on to.

2 is hard

I kept hearing that 2 was easier than 1. WRONG! I can see how it may be true in some areas. I mean I'm not as anal about things, and I dont wonder if certain things the baby is doing are normal or if I should call the Dr. Other than that, I'm having a difficult time finding a balance. Andrea has been really good about everything, but I mean she's only 3 and has her needs too.

It's been really difficult just giving Andrea her own special time while tending to an infant. I try and do as much as i can while Joaquin sleeps, but it's not that easy because he isn't really on a schedule yet. Somedays he will sleep all day, and others he's wide awake a big part of it. I wear him a lot, and that helps, but it's still difficult.

I'm sure a big part of it is that we are not in our space yet, and it just makes things more chaotic. I hope to hear back about that home real soon. I just feel like we will have so much more structure, and perhaps we can actually get on some sort of routine. I also hope that the older Joaquin gets the more I get used to things. I love having him, and he fills my heart with lots of love, but 2 isnt by any means easier than 1. I guess this is all part of the journey of being mom.

house hunting

So we have a house we are going to go look at today that we REALLY want. I hope it all falls into place. It's just the perfect home for us. A great school is across the street. Literally about 500 feet from the front the door. My brother lives a block away, and the train station is but a 5 minute walk. Plus, it's in a neighborhood I love.

I've been praying so hard for this to happen, and I know I'll be so disappointed if it doesnt happen. We have been at my in-laws for the last month. It isn't bad, but it just isn't my own place. They've been very generous and nice, but you can only live with someone else for so long. I miss having my own place, and my own routines. I'm really hoping that this is the house we end up.

Routines

After all that has gone on, I felt it was important to stay on routine as much as possible for Andrea. Of course that was difficult to do with all the chaos going on, but I feel like we managed fairly well. Our routine is completely different now than it was before April 18th, but we are all adjusting. Joaquin is a good baby, and Andrea is an amazing big sister.

I often sit and wonder what life would be like had Gabriel been around. He would have been one, and most likely sleeping through the night, but I can't imagine life without my little Joaquin. I'm sure that they would have looked very similar, and while I will never compare the two, I'm sure God gave me a glimpse of what Gabriel would be like by giving me Joaquin. I love both of my sons so much, and I miss my Gabe more than ever, but I know he is always with us. I know he is always there watching over Andy and JJ. I'll never forget...

Back again

I feel like I keep going and coming back to my blog every few months. This time is so different though. I've been gone because there have been some crazy, sometimes overwhelming events that have happened in my life in the last 7 weeks.

First and foremost I must announce that Joaquin Jeronimo made his debut into the world on April 18th at 10:53 PM via emergency c-section. He weighed in at 6lbs1oz and was 18in. long. Not to shabby for a 35 weeker. It's been quite the journey since hours before his arrival. This entry can get super long, but I will try and get in as much detail as I can without making it a novel.

That day started out about as normal as any other Monday. I got up and got Andy ready for her mom and tot class. I felt a bit queasy, but figured it was probably due to my stuffing my face with Wendy's the night before ;). I had a glass of millk that didnt sit to well, but didnt think much of it. Anyway, after class I came home, and fed Andy her lunch. i tried eating a sandwich myself, but I couldn't really keep it down. Eventually it all came out and I couldn't stop puking. I finally stopped just to give me enough time to call my OB and my husband. OB told me to just go in to the hospital to make sure I wasn't dehydrate, and because I hadn't felt baby move as much.

Quite honestly I figured I'd get peace of mind hearing the baby's heartbeat, and I'd be right back at home in a few hours. After all my c-section was scheduled for 2 more weeks. I couldn't have a baby that night. My mom wasn't coming in until the 30th, I didnt really have much ready either. We had just moved out of the house, and were just starting to settle in with my in laws. As soon as I walked into the hospital I started to feel actual contractions. I got an IV immediately, and as soon as I finished that bag it all came right back up. A ton of puke all over again. After that my contractions got stronger. I told the OB on call I wasn't comfortable going home at all especially after my history of losses. I wasn't going to lose this baby too. She agreed that she wouldn't send me home, but she wanted to keep baby in longer. They monitored me for a few more hours, and it was obvious my contractions were stronger and closer together. Due to my t-incision with my daughter they couldn't risk me continuing with these contractions. Before I knew it, a c-section had been called, and I was to have my boy that night.

Made a quick call to my mom to get the next flight out, and just let my brothers and in-laws know he was coming in a few. It dawned on me that it was April 18th, my original due date with Gabriel. Joaquin was to be born on the day his brother was originally supposed to make his appearance a year before. I figured it was a sign from God that he was meant to come on that night. A part of Gabe will always live in Joaquin.

I was so nervous and unprepared. I just wanted to tell the doctors to give me a few to go home and pack the hospital bag I had planned to pack that night anyway. I wanted a few minutes to let my daughter know she was going to be a big sister, and that I'd see her the next day, and that I loved her to pieces. I wanted those 2 weeks I was supposed to have to continue to spend one on one time with Andy before her world was flipped upside down.

There was no time for any of that, but if I knew than all the events that would take place after his birth I probably would have said there's no way. After Joaquin was born I got to see him really quickly and than he was worked on for what seemed FOREVER. Beto brought him over real quick for about a minute, and than he was whisked away to the NICU. Apparently he was having a difficult time breathing. It was hard not knowing exactly what was going on with my boy. I finally made it back to recovery. I felt good, but I wanted to see my baby.

A nurse came in to check on me almost immediately, and she wasn't to comfortable with how much I was bleeding. Turns out I ended up hemorrhaging. I will spare everyone of the details of everything I went through for the next 4 hours, but I'm glad that I didnt realize than the severity of what was happening.

Due to my hemorrhaging but I was actually stuck in the recovery room for almost 12 hours because they needed to keep super close to the OR just in case I needed to go back in. I was bed ridden for 24 hours, and I didnt get to see my baby again until Wednesday. By than he was about 36 hours old. He was still in the NICU, and was on IV's, a breathing tube, and just had us on our toes.

Thankfully I recovered well from my c-section despite everything. I was released on Friday, but it was the hardest thing to leave my baby behind. I felt like I had done that before. I had walked in with a baby, and I had already experienced walking out empty handed. I was just thankful that this time I could still go back and visit a live baby.

It was exhausting and stressful going to the NICU everyday, twice a day to visit Joaquin, and at the same time balance life with a toddler at home. She wanted her brother home with her, but adjusted very well to mommy having to visit baby. It was fun watching her interact with him when she did tag along. It was quite the 18 days in the NICU. It was a rollercoaster rider, and I wanted off so bad, but I know it could have been a lot worse, and our stay could have been so much longer. I will never forget the nurses at Prentice that took care of my baby when I couldn't.

We finally got to bring Joaquin home on May 5th. It's got to be one of the greatest days of my life. i finally felt like we were all a family. He turned out to have a dairy and soy allergy, and so breastfeeding has been a struggle at times, but I have managed to go completely soy and dairy free, and quite honestly I feel great.

Unfortunately, our journey didnt end there. On May 16th I went in to the ER with major pains. Turns out my gall bladder wanted out. After an adventure there I finally had it removed, and was back home on the 18th, exactly a month after giving birth. However, I had a few complications, and ended up back in the hospital a couple of days later.

Thank God things have finally seemed to settle and we are trying to get back on a normal schedule again, and finally adjusting to our new addition. It's been quite the journey, and I know that in a year we will look back at it all and laugh. I couldn't have survived all of this without my husband, my parents, or my siblings. Everyone stepped up big time, and helped us out so much. I'm so thankful to God that despite all that we went through things didnt end up much worse than they could have.

I'm 40lbs lighter than when I started my pregnancy and I feel amazing. My journey with that is long from over, but i'm on the right track. I believe to be suffering from a very mild case of PTSD, but I'm positive I'll overcome that too. Right now I'm just happy that I have my two kids here with me, my little Gabe in heaven, and an amazing husband. There's much to still blog about, and many more details to give, but for now I'll leave it at that.

happy belated

I feel terrible that I didnt blog on April 8th, but we were in the middle of a move, and really being online was the last thing on my mind. Gabriel's day didn't go without notice though. I can't believe my little boy would have been one already. Hard to believe that I should have a one year old, and almost 3 year old taking up my days.

The day was gloomy and a bit chilly, just like the year before, but it is still Gabe's day, and we will celebrate it every year no matter what. I woke up just figuring since we were literally moving that weekend that we'd just head to breakfast or something as a family, and remember him, but my husband had other plans. We had agreed that each year we would go to Starved Rock and remember him. This year was to be no different. We got up a little late, and even though I was overwhelmed with how much packing was left, Beto assured me it would get done by Sunday. I trusted him, and off we went to Starved Rock.

I'm really glad that I didnt put up a big fuss, and just dropped everything and continued our tradition. It was very relaxing, and just it's just peaceful to be so close to nature. I feel him all over the place and I know he is fine. He will always be my first son, and the 20 short weeks he spent with us will always be special.

Happy 1st birthday Gabe.

I cried

Saturday was a very emotional day for me. I cried for Gabriel like I hadn't cried in a very long time. I cried for the little baby I lost a year ago on Saturday like I dont think I'd ever really cried. It was a very emotional day for me. It had been one year since my D&C for my early loss, and it was the day of my shower for this little boy that will be here soon.

I was very excited to celebrate the new life that will God-willing be here very soon, but I got so emotional at one point. I use my showers to think about a lot of things, and when I was in the shower on Saturday it just all hit me. As excited and happy I am about this new baby, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was having a baby shower instead of prepping for Gabriel's first birthday, which would have been April 8th.

It hurt like heck to know that I should be getting a first birthday party together not getting ready for a shower. At the same time I felt absolute guilt because I know that if Gabriel was here with us, this little boy we are about to meet would've never been. He deserves all of moms happiness and joy too. It's just a lot of raw emotions right now. There's so much going on, and this is just a very emotional month as it is. I miss Gabriel, but I'm so excited to see what this other boy has in store for us.

It's the story of a mother who loses a child I guess.

When?

When? This question comes up all the time. You bring a boyfriend to a few family functions the question starts to come up, "When are you gonna get married"?, you get married you start to hear "when are you gonna have a baby"? It's like it's contagious or something. At least one person has to ask this, and they have to ask in front of a big crowd. It's almost like a ritual or a rite of passage.

Anyway, the whole point is that now this little baby of ours is so close to being here we are getting asked the "so when are you going to have the next one"? The question itself doesn't bug me much, it's the response or look I get when I answer that question. Both mine and Beto's response is usually something along the lines of "hopefully we can have another, right now we are focused on making sure this one comes home safely with us".

As I've mentioned before, Beto and I always dreamed of a large family. By large I mean at least 5 kids, if not more. It's very obvious to us that wont be happening anymore for various reasons. I'm a c-section only mama. As much as I would love to do a VBAC, the doctor wont even attempt because of my risk of uterine rupture. As a matter of fact just going into labor can put me in a very dangerous spot. I had a rough delivery with Andrea, and they had to cut me up all sorts of ways to get her out. I'm hoping that when they get this little fellow out there isn't much scar tissue, and the doctor gives me the green light to have one more in the future.

So the point is that when we explain that we may not be able to have a third child people kind of give us that look of why not, or come on you can have one more. I just think to myself, "hello did you forget we've lost 2 along the way, and remember that my uterus isn't as perfect as others". Can I get pregnant again? Sure, I mean it's clear I dont have a problem getting pregnant, but making it an entire 9 months is a different story, and I've accepted God may just have a different plan. Also, after this baby I have to really take into consideration whether the risk of having another baby is worth it or not. I mean I will have two little kids to think about. If my doctor doesn't recommend it I have to live with that. I can't risk leaving two young children behind if something were to go wrong.

The other look of horror we get is when we mention that if I can't have another baby we will consider adoption in a few years. I've gotten laughs, blank stares, and just crazy looks. What's so insane about what I just said? I dont get it. What's wrong with considering adoption. Adoption has always been on our minds long before we even lost Gabe or the other baby. Adoption was always an option even if we had been able to have 5 kids of our own.

It's not a joke and we will seriously look into in the future. I guess I just don't understand why it's automatically assumed that anyone can just have as many kids they want when they want, and the thought of raising a child you didnt bear is just crazy. Unfortunately I've got the questions, the looks, and the laughs for more than just a handful of people. I'm pretty sure they didnt mean to offend or hurt us, and they just dont know how to react to certain things, but it just always makes me think what's going on inside their heads.

So much going on.

We have so much going on in our lives right now it's crazy! I know that sometimes it just happens that way, but we have some MAJOR things happening, and it's all becoming a bit overwhelming! Things are all happening so quickly, and I can't believe we will have a new baby in less than 6 weeks! It's all happening so fast.

April is quickly approaching us, and it's such a bitter sweet month for me. Gabriel's birthday is coming up. I can't believe my little boy would have been 1! I should be prepping for a big birthday celebration. Instead we will be going to our usual Starved Rock, and remembering our boy as we plan to do every year. The one year anniversary of losing our second baby is also coming up the first week in April. My little sunshine in April is my Goddaughters birthday, and it just so happens to be the March of Dimes walk that day too.

I've still been trying to figure out what it is that I'm looking for, but since so many other things are happening right now I've got to kind of put that in the back of my mind for a few. Hopefully once the baby is here things will start to settle, and we can return to some kind of normalcy this summer.

Here's to hoping all goes as planned!

Looking for something

These last few days I've been doing a lot of thinking. There are many changes going on in our lives right now, and so far 2011 has proven to be a great year of change. Of course our biggest thing is that our new baby boy will be here in less than 7 weeks! I can't wait to meet the little guy, and go through that newborn stage all over again!

However, there are a ton of other changes going on that we are looking forward to also. I know that every few months I'll get this crazy itch to do something. It's been a while since I've had a hobby or have gone out and done something that is just mine. I love my job as a SAHM, and I'm very fulfilled with being around my daughter everyday, but I know I need to do something that doesn't include her, the new baby, or my husband. I need something in my life that belongs to me. I plan on playing basketball again as soon as I'm cleared to after this baby is born, but I feel like I'm still missing something. I have this itch to start some type of business or something along those lines.

I'm not crafty by any means, and I'm not even very business oriented, but I'm stuck! I know there is something out there that I need to be doing, but I can't just figure out what. I'm not looking to become a millionaire off of whatever idea I may come up with, but I'm just hoping to have some extra cash for my spending habits. We are thankfully not so strapped for cash anymore, and it's not like I desperately need to find extra income for my family to have food on the table, but I have this itch and I want to scratch it.

I dont want to go back to the workforce or anything like that. The thought of having to do that again makes me very paranoid. I love what I do. I knew I was built to do this. I am one of those people that was made to stay at home with my kids. I love seeing my daughter smile and happy. I love coming up with different activities for her everyday, and I'm so excited to add another child to the mix, but I know I also need something that belongs to me. After playing house, school, and reading the same books all day everyday, I need a getaway. I just need to figure out what that getaway will be.

Bad blogger!!!

I can't believe I went well over a month without updating, especially with all that happened in February! I guess I was just that busy that I haven't really been on the laptop very much. My month included a trip to labor and delivery, surviving a plane trip to Vegas with a 2 year old by myself, having the time of my life in Vegas, getting to the 7 month pregnancy mark, and surviving an entire month with the husband being across the world.

It was quite the month, and there is so much to be said, but I feel that a lot of it deserves it's own post. Thankfully my trip to labor and delivery turned out to be nothing more than dehydration and overdoing it on the cleaning part. Those were some serious contractions though, and it couldn't have happened at a worse time. Beto had just arrived in Singapore a few hours earlier, and I was out with friends for a birthday celebration.

Thankfully I've got some great friends, and they didnt leave my side. The trip itself was scary with or without a loss, but having already experienced a loss I was trying really hard not to freak. My contractions were pretty painful, and pretty consistent. I was also trying not to alarm my friends, and in the end we ended up cutting the birthday cake in my hospital room, and well we have another story to add to the books. I hope to not have to return to L&D until it's time for the c-section. I was barely 24 weeks at the time, and I knew that while this little guy had a fighting chance if he came that early it would be a long uphill battle. Thankfully he's still cooking in the oven, and everything seems to be going well so far.

I'll leave my big trip to Vegas for another post. It's just a lot for one post, and I created a lifetime of memories with my daughter during that trip.

Day 1

Well the hubby left this morning to Singapore for a month! I either didn't really want to think about it before the day actually got here, or I was just in major denial cause I lost it so bad when I dropped him off at the airport. The worst part is seeing him say goodbye to his baby (Andrea, not me hehehe). She was all smiles, and just kept saying bye to him, and telling him she loves him, but I know just like last time she'll be asking for him by tomorrow.

I haven't been away from Beto for a month since I met him, and I was away in college. A month isn't a year, but it's still a long time for us. I can't imagine how military families do it, and I've got all that much respect for them. We will be only 2 1/2 months away from having this little man when he gets back. That's just crazy. The snow will be starting to melt, and the weather should be much warmer. I have a lot of keeping track to do of the new words and things Andrea is doing so I can tell him. I hope video chat makes this whole thing easier. I miss him like crazy already.

Sorry if I bore you guys with my blog for the next month cause it'll probably be sappy, and just talking about how wife misses hubby. Lol.

To top it all off as Andrea and I were walking in the house right now she spotted a plane and just yelled, "hiya Papa, I love you!" Ugh. So cute, but yet so heartbreaking in it's own way. That's it for now. Gotta bathe the little princess, and shoot her off to bed. I so need a drink tonite, but baby boy is kicking in there letting me know I've got a few months to wait for that drink. It's all worth it!

Another son!

So we FINALLY found out the sex of this bean inside of me. It's another boy for us. We had been told at our 16 week u/s that it's most likely a boy, but at the 20 week u/s he was sorta looking like a she, but they didnt wanna confirm either way. So on Monday we finally confirmed that bean is definitely a he.

It's one of those bittersweet moments. Your life sort of revolves around your loss. I know this little guy will never replace Gabriel or be Gabriel, but something inside of me feels like he will carry a part of who Gabriel would've been. There's also that excitement of this little one being a boy, because well unfortunately, I know there are no guarantees that there will be another baby. I want another baby, but I'm not sure if that's going to happen.

For right now I'm just enjoying being almost 24 weeks pregnant, and all the aches and pains that come with it. As hard as it can get, I'm glad I have that appreciation now for every ache and pain. Makes having this baby born all that much more special.

March of Dimes 2011!!

We are again participating in the March of Dims walk this year in Chicago. I hope to be able to raise at least $500, and get an even bigger team this year. I had a great time doing the walk last year, and it was very emotional when I got to the finish line. We do it in memory of Gabriel, but more than anything in hopes that one day no mother has to ever suffer through a loss.

Doing the walk and raising the money for such an important organization has been amazing, and I hope to keep doing it year after year. We miss Gabe dearly, and just to know that our participation may help save one baby is worth walking a million miles. I'm excited for this years walk, and look forward to seeing everyone again!

Finally

We finally told EVERYONE 2 days ago about my pregnancy. We waited 20 weeks and 5 days, and that's about 20 Weeks sooner than we had been shooting for. Lol. Our parents and siblings knew since about 8 weeks, but we decided to hold off on telling most everyone else until this point.

Not having told extended family about the pregnancy is one of the biggest reasons I've laid off blogging as much as I used to. I've got so much to say, but I knew I couldn't since some of my family reads it. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm sure there are so many more to still come.

There has been lots of excitement, lots of hope, and lots of prayer. There has also been a ton of constant worrying, caution, and trying not to get to attached. I've learned that I can't help but get attached, and the pain would be no less than if I did get attached, and lost this child too. I'm thankful to God that so far things are looking really good.

I miss the innocence of pregnancy before a loss, but I'm also grateful that I understand the beauty and miracle that every pregnancy is. I feel like I appreciate what is happening inside my body so much more this time around. There are so many other emotions that go with this pregnancy, but I'll leave that for another blog.