I should be in bed, but it's one of those nights that my mind is racing in so many directions to shut down and sleep.
Do you ever wonder where life would have taken you if you hadn't made that turn, if you hadn't made that decision, or if you would have just had more patience? I know I can't change the past, and I believe that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I can't help but wonder.
I wonder about everything. What if I had decided to study something else in college, what if I had never opened up that first credit card, only if...
Every decision that's made leads to another and another and another. I dont think I'd trade in my life for anything else because it's been lessons learned, and it's made me a more compassionate and loving person, but I know there are things I could've done in the past that would've made life much easier now.
I love my children to pieces, and though I would do just about anything to be able to even hold Gabe in my arms for even a minute, it was written that I didnt get that chance for a reason. I miss him so much.
Do you ever wonder?
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Anxiety
Why does it come on Sunday nights? I just start to get anxious about everything. I get anxious about what I'm going to do with the kids during the week, I start thinking about money, and just life in general. I need to have a plan, and I need to follow through with the plan. Maybe it's living here that is causing this anxiety. Maybe knowing that although I'm treated very nicely here that it isn't my own. I'm hoping all this settles down once we move.
We got the house we so wanted, and I pray to God this calms a lot of my anxiety down. This is really odd for me as I've never really suffered from anxiety. I hope once we move into the new house all of this goes away. I dont like the feeling, and I want to be in control of things. This has been so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I just want my own space and my routines back.
I have this vision of how things will be when we move into the house, and I'm trying not to build my expectations to high, but at the same time I hope and pray to God that it's the change we really need. That it's what's been holding me back from feeling normal these last few months. I'm afraid of this feeling not stopping, but I'm very hopeful it will.
I dont think this blog made much sense at all, but at the same time it felt good just to type it out. Hope is all you can hang on to.
We got the house we so wanted, and I pray to God this calms a lot of my anxiety down. This is really odd for me as I've never really suffered from anxiety. I hope once we move into the new house all of this goes away. I dont like the feeling, and I want to be in control of things. This has been so much harder than I ever imagined it to be. I just want my own space and my routines back.
I have this vision of how things will be when we move into the house, and I'm trying not to build my expectations to high, but at the same time I hope and pray to God that it's the change we really need. That it's what's been holding me back from feeling normal these last few months. I'm afraid of this feeling not stopping, but I'm very hopeful it will.
I dont think this blog made much sense at all, but at the same time it felt good just to type it out. Hope is all you can hang on to.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
2 is hard
I kept hearing that 2 was easier than 1. WRONG! I can see how it may be true in some areas. I mean I'm not as anal about things, and I dont wonder if certain things the baby is doing are normal or if I should call the Dr. Other than that, I'm having a difficult time finding a balance. Andrea has been really good about everything, but I mean she's only 3 and has her needs too.
It's been really difficult just giving Andrea her own special time while tending to an infant. I try and do as much as i can while Joaquin sleeps, but it's not that easy because he isn't really on a schedule yet. Somedays he will sleep all day, and others he's wide awake a big part of it. I wear him a lot, and that helps, but it's still difficult.
I'm sure a big part of it is that we are not in our space yet, and it just makes things more chaotic. I hope to hear back about that home real soon. I just feel like we will have so much more structure, and perhaps we can actually get on some sort of routine. I also hope that the older Joaquin gets the more I get used to things. I love having him, and he fills my heart with lots of love, but 2 isnt by any means easier than 1. I guess this is all part of the journey of being mom.
It's been really difficult just giving Andrea her own special time while tending to an infant. I try and do as much as i can while Joaquin sleeps, but it's not that easy because he isn't really on a schedule yet. Somedays he will sleep all day, and others he's wide awake a big part of it. I wear him a lot, and that helps, but it's still difficult.
I'm sure a big part of it is that we are not in our space yet, and it just makes things more chaotic. I hope to hear back about that home real soon. I just feel like we will have so much more structure, and perhaps we can actually get on some sort of routine. I also hope that the older Joaquin gets the more I get used to things. I love having him, and he fills my heart with lots of love, but 2 isnt by any means easier than 1. I guess this is all part of the journey of being mom.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
house hunting
So we have a house we are going to go look at today that we REALLY want. I hope it all falls into place. It's just the perfect home for us. A great school is across the street. Literally about 500 feet from the front the door. My brother lives a block away, and the train station is but a 5 minute walk. Plus, it's in a neighborhood I love.
I've been praying so hard for this to happen, and I know I'll be so disappointed if it doesnt happen. We have been at my in-laws for the last month. It isn't bad, but it just isn't my own place. They've been very generous and nice, but you can only live with someone else for so long. I miss having my own place, and my own routines. I'm really hoping that this is the house we end up.
I've been praying so hard for this to happen, and I know I'll be so disappointed if it doesnt happen. We have been at my in-laws for the last month. It isn't bad, but it just isn't my own place. They've been very generous and nice, but you can only live with someone else for so long. I miss having my own place, and my own routines. I'm really hoping that this is the house we end up.