So I log onto facebook yesterday, and I see a bunch of people's status that read:
IT'S "SON WEEK" : If you have a son who makes your life interesting and fun, who has been a blessing in your life and makes life worth living just by being around - copy and paste this to your status. ♥.Your Sons will outgrow your lap, but never your heart...♥
Now I'm not into doing these types of chain status or anything like that, but this one bugged the crap out of me!!! I kind of just put hid those status when I first saw it, but than I saw a few more people with them this morning, and uggh it was just a big stab to my heart. I couldn't help, but to be hurt all over again. I have a son, but he's not here with me, he doesn't make my life interesting and fun everyday. I never even got the chance to see him smile even once, he makes my life empty and sad a lot of the time because he isn't here with me. He was an absolute blessing in my life even if I only got to hold him for 20 weeks in my womb, and I never got to run my fingers through his hair, and I never got to touch his soft skin, or kiss his little lips. He does make my life worth living for because I know one day I will be with him for an eternity. No, he will never outgrow my lap, because he never had the chance to even sit on it once, but yes he always is and will always be in my heart. I miss my Gabriel so damn much sometimes it hurts.
I should be 4 weeks away from having my baby boy in my arms. I often think of how much prep work we would be doing, how many things we would be getting together, how we should have a new car by now, how the double stroller should be all ready, baby boy clothes hanging in the closet along with Andy's dresses. None of that to do. Such an empty lonely feeling. It's been 3 months, and I swear the pain just seems to be getting worse and worse. I dread April with all I've got in me. I want to sleep right through April. I want April to just disappear. It used to be such a happy month for me, and now it's just another month knowing I should be getting to hold Gabriel, but instead I get to mourn him on the day he was supposed to make his grand entrance. I guess a mother's love only grows no matter the time or distant. I love you and miss you baby.
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I lost 2 sons both at 23 weeks along. I have the footprints of the both. The first I was not allowed to hold him but they let me see him for about 30 secs. The second one I was actually allowed to hold him. I remember his hair his long fingers and he had such big feet. I am now a grandmother, 42 yo and a grandmother. My oldest, 20 yo, son gave me a beautiful granddaughter. My 15 yo son is getting his drivers permit. Even though I have this joy in my life, it doesn't stop the wondering of what would my two oldest sons be like. Would they be like these two because they are so different yet so alike. It is hard to explain. The oldest would be 22yo and the other would be 21 yo now. I remember what my grandmother told me when I lost my first that God needed an angel next to him. And now i hope and believe that those two are now my sons guardian angels.
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