Meh

Been feeling icky all weekend long. It like I'm dont get full blown sick, but my body is just tired and achy. I hate being sick, and honestly after having H1N1 back in early November I really feel like I deserve a damn break. LOL. I wish my body would have become immune to any kind of cold/flu after that. I've been taking my vitamin and some airborne so I hope that just kicks it to the curb by tomorrow.

I've been feeling a little drained physically and emotionally these last few days. I went out last night with my friends and it was really nice, and it felt good to get away, but I dont know I just feel drained. I feel like something is missing. My workouts have been really helpful and awesome, Beto is a great help, and Andy always keeps me on my toes, but something is missing. I know what that something is, but it's hard when that something is that someone, and that someone is gone forever. Tomorrow will be 2 months. Im really really really missing my little guy more and more.

Month's final results

So I just completed my final workout for January, as I give my body a break on Sundays. So it was a rough week with my Andy being sick the entire week, and Beto have the stomach bug two days also. I managed to get a workout in everyday except for Tuesday, and I didnt do any doubles this week. I'm just really proud of the fact that despite the chaos of this week I still managed to maintain my routine as much as possible, and I didn't take the easy way out with food either. I could've easily just grabbed some McDonald's the day Beto and Andy were both sick since I was only feeding myself, but I managed to put a decent meal in my mouth throughout the entire week. I just feel that this proves to me that I'm not doing this for right now, but that I'm actually taking the steps I need to make this a part of my everyday life for the rest of my life.

So as I said, I just finished my last workout for the month. I will move up to level 3 of the 30 day shred on Monday. I should've technically moved over on Wednesday, but since it was a hectic week and all I felt I should stick to level 2 for the remainder of the week, and move on over on Monday. I'm looking forward to this challenge. The last time I did the 30 day shred almost a year ago I quit in the middle of level 2, so completing level 2 and actually starting level 3 is huge for me.

Anyway, the results for this month are 13 pounds lost, and 3 1/2 inches off my waist!! The best part is that I feel awesome. I know the energy level I have throughout the day has also increased dramatically. I just pray to God I keep going and there is no looking back. My goal for February is another 8 pounds and another inch off my waist. So far so good.

Taking a breather.

It's been one of those crazy hectic weeks. I'm tired, and feeling a little burned out, but I'll keep on chugging. Andy has been sick ALL week. She's got molars and eye teeth all coming in. She's had this awful cough that is finally getting better, a yucky runny nose, a bit of diarrhea, and a fever on and off the entire week. I woke up feeling a bit ill myself on Monday and Tuesday, but thankfully nothing came of it. Beto got hit bad with the stomach bug yesterday and today. It feels like a clinic at my house at times. I also am frustrated with something else, but I'll get over it (sorry I'm not going into depth about it).

Anyway, I'm exhausted today, and I'm glad tomorrow is finally Friday. Going to definitely have a glass or two of wine this weekend. I've managed to keep my workouts going through all of it, and only skipped Tuesday because I just felt that yucky. I got right back into it yesterday though. I just gotta keep on chugging along and accomplish all these goals.

Monday will mark 2 months since Gabriel left us, and I've got all kinds of mixed emotions about that. I'm glad I'm feeling better,but I'm sad that I should be 2 months closer to meeting him rather than 2 months further from losing him. It's a struggle each day, but I never forget him.

I'm tired and I need to really get some rest, so I hope tomorrow is better, and I can get back on track with this.

Sick Andy

My Andy has been quite sick the last few days, and it's been a whirlwind. One minute she seems to be doing ok, and the next day she wakes up with a 103 fever, and doesn't really come down until late tonight. I'm just glad it seems like she's finally getting over it. She has two new molars that poked through last night, and she's got about 4 more teeth coming in. She also got a shot on Thursday, and an inhaler for her asthma. I'm pretty beat up, and I haven't been feeling 100% myself. I'll keep you guys updated soon as things get back to normal again. Keep my Andy in your prayers so she gets better real soon.

Kind of a rough day

Just had Gabe on mind a lot today. I can't believe I should be 12 weeks away from meeting my son, but instead I'm here missing my baby. I sat out looking at the rain fall down for a few today, and I felt him in the drops, I felt him in the gloomy sky, and I just wondered what he would have been like. Would he have looked like Andrea, would he have looked a bit more like me as a newborn, or would he look just like Beto? I wondered if he would have my passion for sports, Andy's strong will, or would he be hard headed, yet so giving like his father. I guess these are all answers I'll never know. It gets harder as my due date approaches. I just miss the joys of pregnancy, and the hopes and dreams that come with it. I hope tomorrow brings some good news. I love you Gabriel.

catching up

Wow! I took a two day break from blogging. I've been pretty busy and tired lately. Where do I begin? LOL. Well, the working out and stuff is going well. As you saw in my last blog I've officially shed the first 10 lbs of this journey, and that felt so good. I've been doing pretty with my eating habits, but I did cheat a bit yesterday. I had a slice of birthday cake pie from Baker's Square. it was like a mouth orgasm. LMAO!!!! That stuff was delicious. I did pay the price this morning with my workouts though. I pushed myself to the limits, and than some today, and damn it I feel so good. I'm on top of the world right now, and nothing can stop me. I have such motivation in me right now, and I hope to never lose that. I have an angel in heaven that keeps me going everyday.

You remember those bottled up feelings I was talking about the other day? Well, they are no longer bottled up, and I've let them out. I talked things through, and everything is all good now, and we are moving forward in this life. That feels really good too.

You know, I think Gabe's death has given me a bit of a thicker skin, and some extra guts to go out and express what I feel. To often I would just keep my mouth shut or keep my feelings to myself to avoid confrontation. Not anymore, now I know I need to say what I need to say sometimes.

So anyway, I've been looking up a bunch of healthy recipes to make for my family, and I came across a whole wheat pizza dough recipe. I tried it out tonite, and I think it's a winner. I have to tweak a few things, but perfection will be mine next time. I also came across a homemade pizza sauce recipe from Chef Mommy's blog, and tried it out with my dough. Can you say delicious? My house smells amazing right about now. I put Italian Turkey sausage to keep it lean with a bunch of different veggies. I think it's an excellent pizza w/o making it so unhealthy. It definitely curbs my pizza cravings, and if I can make this twice a month I think I can go a long time w/o having the fatty pizza from the pizza joints. I'm really proud of this recipe. Come to think of it I'm really proud and happy with a lot of things in my life right now. God is good, and my son is with him watching over me.

10 down!!!

Yes!!! The first ten pounds out of 50 are officially gone!!! I vow to never let them back on me again, and I vow to never allow the scale to hit such a high number again. I've gotten used to this new lifestyle so far. Early morning workouts are a routine now, and I feel yucky without one. Eating healthy is so much easier when you dont have junk laying around in the house. I just gotta keep up with this.

Funny thing happened today. Andrea, Beto, and I were in the living room just hanging out waiting for Andy's bedtime. She went to grab the workout mat, and told Beto to get his butt working out. I mean she insisted that we turn on the shred, and he get his workout in. She just absorbs everything into that little brain, but I'm glad she is used to seeing us working out now. Gotta lead by example.

I started this weight loss journey for so many reasons. First, I wanted to be physically fit again, but mostly I'm doing it for my daughter and future kids. When I lost Gabriel I felt like I had no control over anything. I mean my body failed him for no apparent reason. I woke up one day and realized that I do have control over what the scale says and I am now taking control of what goes inside my body.

I just pray to God I continue this journey for the rest of time.

quiet days

I dont have much to report on, but I still like to come on and blog. There's nothing really new going on, and things are pretty quiet on our end. I'm still working out hardcore, and eat the right foods for the most part. LOL. Andrea's been having a cough when she falls asleep which is driving me nuts. I think she has asthma cause she starts coughing when she runs too. Sigh. I spent way to much time cleaning the house today and I'm super tired, but it's gotta get done. Gabriel has been on my mind more and more each day, and I miss him more each day, and the thought of April rolling around makes me so sad. I used to think this was going to be a great pregnancy. I would spend all winter long pregnant, and when the flowers finally started blooming and the weather was starting to get nice out I'd have a sweet little baby. It would be the perfect time to go out for a walk with Andrea, baby, and the dogs. Instead I'm just hoping to extend these cold months. I never thought I'd hear myself saying that, but the thought of warmer weather without a baby to hold breaks my heart.

being held accountable

So as you know I'm on this journey to lose this weight. When I first started I told myself I would reveal my starting weight once I reached my target goal. However, I think I may be ready to reveal that starting weight much sooner. I've been working my ass off these last two weeks off, and to see the pounds come off that scale is one of the greatest feelings ever. I've really been watching what goes into my mouth, and I've started to become used to making healthy food choices. It's really not that difficult if you really just put your mind to it, and I think it makes it easier when I'm not depriving myself of a whole lot. I just tend to make the healthier choice between two things. For example, if I"m out having a sandwich and I want chips I go for the baked one's over the regular. Little stuff like that can go a long way in a year. It's gone a long way in 2 weeks! My workouts have been going awesome too. I feel so out of it if I dont get my ass up in the morning and do my workout. I've been doing both the shred and boost your metabolism workouts on Tues, Thurs, and Sat. On Mon, Wed, and Fri. I just do the shred. I try and take Sundays off to let my body relax, but I think I'm going to start making sure I get a nice 30 min. walk in on Sundays. I can already see my body taking on a different shape. There is a loonnng way to go still, but I know that if I stick to my plan and keep my eye on the prize I will reach my goal of losing 50lbs by the end of the year.

The final stats for week 2 is that I lost another 2lbs, and an inch off my waist. I definitely hit a plateau this week, but that's okay. My goal is to lose 2lbs a week, and anything more is a gift. I'll keep working hard at this everyday! Right now it's one of the few things I have control over, and I dont want to ruin it.

I just need to note that I miss Gabe more and more each day. The pain has become easier to deal with, but I miss him so so so much.

Music

I love music, and Ive mentioned that before. Sometimes some of the music makes me cry, but Ive learned that crying can be very therapeutic. You know sometimes the song can have nothing to do with my pain, but I still find a way to make it a part of my pain. A song just can strike such a chord with me, and it something I just never forget. I like to listen to all types of music, in spanish and english. I love to hear all different types of music, but there is one song that just gets to me, and Ive always liked it. It always makes me so sad, but at the same time makes me realize exactly where my baby is at. Ive loved this song ever since Jordan died, and I know relate to it more than ever. Its "FLY" by Celine Dion. The lyrics go like this:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Just kind of describes how I want my little angel to be. I want him to be happy, but I know I will never forget him. I never saw his face or touched his skin, but I feel him all over my heart. Honestly somedays i still can't believe this really happened to us. I just know I will never forget my little Gabriel.

Houston we got a climber.

So I noticed since last week that Andrea is in a climbing stage, but I didnt realize until today that my child will climb anything regardless of how high it is or if I'm there watching her or not. I put Andy down for her naps in my bed, and she usually just moans until I go in. We usually hang out in the bed for a few minutes after she wakes up. Today she took a shorter nap than usual, and I wasn't done eating my lunch so I figured I'd let her lay around by herself for a few minutes while I took the last bites. I hear her moaning for a few, but than it's all silent. I check in to see if maybe she just went back to bed. NO!!! She was on top of our dresser just playing with my jewelery and the alarm clock. Now the dresser isn't all that tall, and she just climbed from the bed to the dresser, but she was literally on her knees with her legs hanging. Seriously one wrong movement and she would've flown back. She freaked when I opened the door, and tried to jump back in the bed, and pretend she had done nothing wrong. LOL. Now I know that I have to keep the door open or put her in her crib. I'll probably go with the crib. ;) So yes here go she will climb on anything, and this child has absolutely no fear of anything.

Bottled feelings

I feel like I'm so good at writing down my feelings on paper, but God do I suck at expressing them face-to-face with someone. I just get so emotional and breakdown right away, and I'm always afraid of hurting someone's feelings. What the hell do I do when my feelings have been hurt, and I dont even think the other person knows it? A big part of me just wants to let it go and move on, but a bigger part of me can't. The scary part is that the hurt is somewhat becoming anger, a lot of anger. It just sucks that when I need this person the most is when they are the furthest from me. Sometimes I just want to explode, and other days I just dont give a damn anymore. However, it seems like everytime i see them I grow more and more angry because it hurts my feelings that they dont bother to check in. Ugghh!!! You just realize who people really are when tragedy strikes at your door.

I know I need to let people know how I'm feeling or else it's going to spiral out of control, and a relationship may be lost because of this. It's just so damn hard!!! I can't believe I'm even going through all of this. Sometimes its like a bad dream.

On a roll

I'm on a roll of having a lot on my mind, but not a lot to write about. LOL. I'm afriad to bore whoever does sit here and read my blogs with the same stuff everyday. I've been watching Sophia and Xavier this week, and well now I know what it's like to have 3 kids under the age of 3. In it's own twisted way it's fun. I mean I know it's not the same as having my own kids because I get to give two of the three back by 5pm, but I mean I still get a good gist of how things are. It's hectic, but I enjoy it. I guess its just my love for kids. They are so innocent and pure, and they just dont have a care in the world. Kind of always brings out the kid in me again everyday. I've never colored so much in my life, and I've never been loved on so much either. It's nice seeing my daughter love on a tiny little baby, and see her learning how to share with a bigger kid too.

It's all so bittersweet. I can't believe how much Andrea loves Sophie, and how excited she gets by her. She is so quick to run to the bedroom door as soon as she hears Sophia wake up from a nap. She's in such a hurry to get her again. She constantly wants to feed her the bottle, and also give her some of her own food. She smothers her with hugs and kisses the whole day. Just amazing. I guess she's more than ready to have a sibling. It's so nice to know she can handle a little baby, yet it's so heartbreaking to know she was so close to having that little baby brother of her own. I can only imagine how close they would be, and how much love she would offer to Gabe. I know one day she'll have more siblings, but she'll never be able to love on Gabe at this tiny age that she's at. They were going to be 20 months apart. So sad to know that she wont ever get to experience being a big sister at such a tiny age. See it just never stops, always something there to remind you of the tragic end to a perfect baby. Gotta let God take care of things.

I also need to just let go, and accept that some people will never know what to say or ever say anything at all. Both hurt just as much. I have to just let go of a lot of resentment I carry in my heart towards some of the people I love the most.

Kind of blank again.

I dont have much to share today. I think I'm just to lazy to write anything really. Work outs are going great, watching 3 kids under 3 is not all that bad, and eating healthy foods makes you feel good all over, but losing a baby sucks!!! That's what I've concluded. It seems like with each passing day I miss Gabriel more and more. The more days pass the more I long for him, and the more I know I should be feeling him, and seeing him move inside my belly. I can't believe I should be 27 weeks pregnant. 27 weeks!!! Instead I'm feeling empty, and missing him more and more. I wonder more and more what's he supposed to be like, and what he would have looked like. I'm not in that deep depression that I was in after finding out, but the silence of the house at night just makes me think of him so much at night. I so badly wish I was experiencing those 3rd trimester nuisances, but instead I'm just longing for that son I lost. Gabriel I miss you so much.

I dont want to be debbie downer and stuff, and i have to acknowledge that there are many great things going on in my life, and despite the pain I do feel God is still so good. I have an amazing daughter that keeps me going each night, and a loving and caring husband that is always by my side no matter what. That's all for tonite folks.

How many kids.

Yesterday I went to go choose my bridesmaid dress for Stephanie and Joel's wedding. I tried on a few dresses, and there was one that I really liked, but than it dawned on me that it may not work very well if I'm like say 5-6 months pregnant by than. I'm NOT pregnant right now, but the plan is that I am by than, and if I were to get pregnant in the near future I could be up to 6 months pregnant by than. So anyway, the lady helping us out and stuff was just asking how many kids I have, or if this would be my first. Let's just say there was a brief moment of silence before I answered. This was the first time a complete stranger had asked me this question since losing Gabriel. I put myself together, and I said I have one living child, but I have been pregnant twice, and this would be my third pregnancy. She kind of looked at me a bit confused, and I just told her I had lost a son at 20 weeks. I dont think she knew what to say, and that's perfectly okay, and she just said so you know your body well enough to know how big you get, and we moved on. I was totally fine with this scenario. I was just proud that I held myself together, and I said the truth. I didnt exclude Gabe from being one of my children, and I dont think I put someone in an extremely uncomfortable situation.

These are the little things that happen in my life that will always keep Gabriel alive. Those are the things only mothers that have lost a child have to fear about how to answer. Right now I'm at a point that I'm smiling again and I'm doing things in my life I never thought I would, but I wonder if I will ever be whole again. I dont see how I can ever be whole again when a piece of my soul was taken from me. I just wonder if I'll ever know what it's like to be 110% happy again. I'm very happy and thankful to God of where my life is at right now, but a tiny piece of me is sad, and that sadness can never be taken away.

So I guess all I can do is keep on treading in this life, and make the most of what I do got here with me. I'm happy with the way this year has started off so far!

5 in 5

That's how many pounds I've lost in 5 days! Woot woot!! No I haven't been starving myself, and no I haven't been eating like a mouse either. I've actually just made healthier food choices, and have been working out religiously, and it feels so damn good!!! I know that I wont be losing 5lbs every 5 days, but I'll take it while I can. I'm not on any diet, as I believe diets are a set up for failure. Rather I believe myself to be making a lifestyle change. I make sure I get about 10 cups of water a day, a good amount of fruits and veggies, and I choose to eat healthier foods than before. I've also learned to control my portions. I eat about 5-6 times a day, and I can say I have not once felt real hunger during these last few days.

My plan is to makes this my life. I'm not saying I wont ever eat fast food again or have anything high in fat again, but it wont be a part of my daily routine, and I will probably try to get the healthiest thing at these fast food restaurants. I'm pretty much following the "Eat this, Not That" lifestyle. If you haven't ever seen this book I highly recommend it. They also have a great website, and an IPHONE app if you own one of those bad boys (i dont lol).

Anyway, this week has been pretty good. I have so much energy, and just want to keep this up for Andrea, and for all my future kids. I have struggled with my weight all my life, and I dont want my kids to go through some of the hell I've been through because of it. I want them to know what it is like to eat healthy, and live a healthy lifestyle, and the only way to do is to lead by example.

I must admit I think that when I lost Gabriel I felt like I needed this change because it was something I can have control over. I can control what goes into my body. I had/have no control over what happened to my Gabriel, but I have control over this, and I'm going to take advantage of it. I have a lot to write about tonight, but it all doesn't fit into this specific blog. I think I'll write more about things tomorrow if I have time. I just really miss the stage of pregnancy I would be in. It was my favorite when I was pregnant with Andy.

For Beto.

I live with the man, and he wants me to blog tonight even though I wasn't planning on it so I'll make something up for him. LOL. I guess I'll just tell you about my day.

I went to see my doctor for the very last time today. She is moving to Boston in 3 weeks, and I'm really sad about this. She was an amazing doctor, and I never felt like just another patient with her. She was really sensitive towards things, and she always respected my wishes, and never second guessed anything I said. We just chit chatted about little things, and we wished each other luck.

I got to her office a few minutes early, and it was a little odd sitting in the waiting room for so long. This was my second time there since losing Gabe so it wasn't totally new. Andrea kept me busy for a while, but I kept reliving the day we were there for the big ultrasound, and I just kept wondering how different that day was supposed to feel. There was a couple that came out from the big u/s, and were sitting there waiting to see their doctor next. I was glad to see that their ultrasound had gone as planned, but it was painful to watch at the same time.

When we were told the news we were escorted back to my doctors office through the back where you normally aren't allowed. Kind of to keep your from having to see everyone out there, and I'm sure to keep the pregnant women from seeing you so upset also. God how I wish this whole thing was a big bad dream, but it's reality. All I went in for was to get more blood drawn out, and make sure my levels are down which I know they are because I got my period already.

Oh, and support group was canceled cause of the snow. Umm yea it snowed like 3 inches not 30 people. No need to get your undies all bunched up over 3 inches. Anyway, I hope it's on next week.

The Repo Man

So when I started this blog I said it was really about just being a mom, wife and landlord. Well, the day has finally come to write about being that damn landlord. LOL. So our tenant has been in and out of work for the last 2 months, but she has managed to pay the rent on time up until this month. She paid half, and the other half is supposed to be paid by the 15th.

Unfortunately I dont think we'll be seeing that money anytime soon. :(. Beto and I were having a nice time watching t.v. together when the door bell rings. We were just like WTF. Who could it be at 830pm. So Beto goes and looks, and some guy is standing out there asking if he owns a Beamer. Beto is like nope I have an Infiniti. Dude asks if the people upstairs, and so Beto is like I dont know that's their doorbell. LOL. Sure enough the chick comes down, and it's the REPO MAN!!! Poor tenant got her beloved BMW repossessed. She kindly asked the repo man if she could get all her crap out first. I mean how embarrassing is that?? AGGHH I think I would die!!

This chick has caused us some serious headaches, but she is far from being the worse tenant ever. She still always figures out a way to remind me of why I hate being a landlord. I mean I feel bad for her for getting her car repossessed, but I gotta admit it feels damn good to know that for once the bill collector wasn't for me. LOL.

Anyway so that was the story of our evening tonite. I dont really have anything else today except for the fact we start support group tomorrow. Ciao!

So far so good.

So far this year has treated me fairly well. I know it's only but 6 days old, but still. I see the brighter side of things right now. I've been eating very well and working out the last two days. I've managed to upkeep the house, and I just feel good overall.

There are still a few things on my mind that I need to come to terms with, but overall I feel good. I'm excited about Thursday's first support group class. I think it will do me very well. I think about Gabriel each and every day, but I dont feel that deep depression I did just a month ago. I wake up every morning and look at his ashes. I feel him there with me, and I know he is okay. Sometimes it all still feels like it was all dream.

I've realized I have to keep myself busy everyday or else the pain becomes overwhelming. Sometimes the radio plays a song that has nothing to do with losing someone, but someway somehow my mind figures out a way to make it a sad song. Music is a big love of mine though, and it has been a big part of my healing process. I can listen to certain songs over and over again, and they bring on rivers of tears, but I've learned that crying is a big big relief for me.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to blog without mentioning Gabriel in it. I'm not sure I ever want to do that. Sigh....

empty brain

Don't have much to say today. It was a quiet day of cleaning and babysitting. I did my first day of the 30 day shred, and it kicked my arse. I'm so out of shape right now it's ridiculous, but that will be a different story real soon. I think I did well in my food choices today too, so I'm really happy with that.

I bathed Andrea tonight, and I love to watch her just play in the water. She gets such a huge kick out of it. It always puts a smile on my face, and is the perfect ending to any day. She always lights up my life, and I thank God so much for her.

I dont have much to say tonight, but I gotta say that everything is a reminder of what things should be like. As I watched Andy bathe tonight, and have a blast in the shower I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to have two children cracking up in that tub. I wondered what Gabe would be like. I wondered if he'd just be the boy version of Andy. I guess that is just going to be the story of my life. One child here always bringing joy to my life, and another up in heaven leaving me wondering what he would be like.

2010

It's upon us. Yes, I know I'm 3 days late. LOL. It was a crazy weekend trying to catch up on as much sleep as possible. I have so many hopes and dreams for this year. The difference between this year and every other year is that I'm willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get to those hopes and dreams. I have very high goals that I know I'll achieve because I'm going to make them happen.

Of course I have the goal I think 99.9% of Americans have at the beginning of a new year, to lose weight. The difference this year is that, I'm not going to go on some crazy diet or anything. I'm just going to get back into some serious workout routines, and I'm going to watch what I eat. I'm not going on a diet where I limit myself to only certain foods. Im just going to make healthier choices this year. I've learned that crazy diets just dont do it for me, and they tend to come back and bite me in the ass. If I mess up one day, I'm not going to kill myself over it, and I'll just make the right choices again the following day. It's more of a lifestyle change rather than a diet. The one thing I have given up is pop. I went about 5 years without drinking pop, and for whatever reason started picking that bad habit up again about 2 years ago. The only reason I will allow myself to indulge in a can of pepsi is if I end up pregnant again, and I'm dealing with a headache. I tend to only be able to cure them with some pop while I'm pregnant.

My next goal is to work down that debt. It's going to take a lot of sacrifices to achieve this one, but it's so doable. I'm willing to go to whatever ends I need to go to. I'm so tired of dealing with all these bills this is it. The good thing is that Beto and I are both on board with this, and we have decided together this our year to get out of this debt. I'm not saying that we are going to be completely debt free by the end of 2010, but I guarantee we will be damn close!! Dave Ramsey is my homeboy, and I'm going to take the advice from his book, and put it into full practice this year.

Finally, my last goal for this year is to just become a better person, wife, mother, sister, and daughter. I want to just be a better person to those that I love the most, and be able to give all that I have to each one of those people. I also want to have God even closer in my life. Without Him I would have never be able to survive half the things that I have encountered in my life, and I need Him now more than ever.

Lastly, I have a goal of having a baby in 2010. That was the plan since last year, and I know it's all up to God on this one, but I'm going to pray that I'm able to have another child this year. I will always have my little angel up in heaven to help me out through the rest of my life, but I long for another sibling for my little Andrea.

So this is it, I've never been so excited about a year before. My motivation to achieve all these dreams and goals will always be the bittersweet memories of 2009. All of this for Andy and Gabe.

Things that make you happy.

It's crazy how your life and outlook changes when something traumatic happens in your life. The things that never mattered to you start mattering, the things that used to bug the crap out of you, well you learn that it's just a minor bump in the road, and you shouldn't let you bother you so much.

For example, as a woman I hated my stupid period EVERY month. I just hate it. I dont have ridiculous cramps, and it usually only lasts about 4 days, but it's still a freaking nuisances in my life. Well, my first period since losing Gabriel showed up today, and it's never been so nice to see it. It's a bit sad because well I shouldn't be having a period cause I should be pregnant, but I've accepted the fact that Gabe is in a better place now. So I'm super excited to see my period show up because it means we can try to have another baby now.

Speaking of having another baby, it's something Beto and I decided together we wanted to do as soon as we could. It's part of our awesome 2010. We are determined to have another healthy child this year as planned. This new baby will not replace Gabe, wont take away the pain of losing Gabe, and will never be Gabe, but we always wanted our kids close in age, and this is a part of our plan.

A small part of me feels guilty even thinking of another child so soon, but my heart and my head both tell me it's okay to try and have another child. Gabriel will always be our second baby and our first son so if and when I do get pregnant this next child will always be our third. Our children will always know they have a brother in heaven.

In the 2nd day of this brand new year we are already starting on the right track! I hope this is a continuing trend, and that everyone has an awesome year!

NYE

New Year's Eve was a good time with some tears I had predicted. I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness at around 11pm. I just felt that was the last hour I'd ever spend in the year that Gabriel was still a part of me. So much had happened in 2009, and I was so ready for a fresh start, but a part of me will always stay in 2009, and I will never get that back. Once the clock struck midnight I just lost it. I felt like I was saying my final goodbye to Gabriel. I really felt like that was it. He is something that happened in the past, and this is now. Don't get me wrong, I never will forget him, I never will stop hurting over him, and I never will be the same person again, but I understand it's a fresh start. I know there will be dates in 2010 that will be overwhelmingly difficult to live through. The thought of April rolling around makes me cringe. I dont know how I will deal with the day that Gabriel was supposed to make his appearance. Only time will tell I suppose.

The rest of the night was filled with drinking and fun for the most part. There was an incident that makes me cringe, but I won't let that ruin the rest of my night. I'm glad I was able to let a lot of feelings out, and I was heard, and that felt wonderful. Karaoke was a blast, and I'm just glad New Year's turned out the way it did. I think it was the perfect setting for the mood I was in. I have so many hopes and dreams for 2010, and I know that with God's help it's all in my power to achieve exactly what I'm searching for. I'm going to make this the most amazing year yet, not only for me, but for my husband and daughter. I have hereby declared this The ABY, Beto, and Andy year. ;) Hope all of you are recovering from your hangovers as best as possible. Tomorrow is the day I start focusing on the rest of this new year.