Halo

I've said before that music really helps me in many ways. Sometimes I like listening to the sadder songs and just cry and cry. Sometimes letting those tears out helps heal this broken soul of mine. Other times I like the happy songs to put me in a better mood. I have found some songs just create a whole new meaning to me even though they have nothing to do with my loss. A prime example is Beyonce's Halo. There is a verse that particularly gets to me:

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

It just rings so true. My Gabe is everywhere I go, and he will always be with me wherever this crazy life may take me. He has his little halo now, and he is my little angel that God needed with him. I know he is next to Jordan and together they are watching over me. They are what save me each and everyday. Sometimes it hurts more than others, but I know I have a purpose in this life, and it's hard to figure this one out, but I know deep deep down inside of me this all has happened for a reason. I know it's made me a better person. I wish with all that I have that I didnt have to experience this in order to become who I am right now, but unfortunately I have. I'm not the same person that I was just 2 short months ago, and I know I never will be. How could I? My son was taken from me way before I ever imagined, and the selfish part of me wants him back so freaking bad. Sometimes the desire to have him back is just so overwhelming.

I'm starting to see a lot of the spring clothes coming out, and I just can't help but see all the baby boy clothes, and imagine what I would be dressing my baby in. He would certainly have some Cubs outfits, a few ILLINI outfits, and just little cute boy jeans. I love all the girly clothes Andy has, but I would definitely have enjoyed dressing Gabe in all these cute boys clothes. I just long to have that boy back, and take him and Andy out for long walks to the library over the summer. I long to have the challenge of raising two kids under two. I long for watching Andrea and Gabriel enjoy this summer together. I wish I had to worry about how I'm going to manage being maid of honor, and a mom to a 3 month old baby at my brother and best friends wedding in July. All of those things just don't matter anymore I guess cause Gabriel is up in heaven. He doesn't need me there, but I need him here so bad. Gosh sometimes I still can't believe this is the reality of my life.