Sometimes it stings.

So this whole time I've kept some feelings to myself, but I think they are overtaking me, and it will help to spill them out here. I guess they become more real each time I get what seems like the same news. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with what I'm going to say today, or if someone takes it the wrong way. I'll also be more than happy to talk about with you if you get offended, but I just need to be real honest with myself.

It's hard for me to hear of someone I know that is pregnant, going to their big ultrasound, or they just had a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm really really happy for them, but it stings all at the same time. I wish all these couples nothing but the best, but it still hurts. All I do is go back, and think about how far along I should be, how people should be counting down till my little baby arrives, how my son should be the next one born, and yet he's just a distant memory to most now. It's just a feeling I can't help. I'm really happy for these people, but a part of me is also really nervous for them. I pray to God that none of them experience what I went through, but yet I know that the chances they do are there. I get nervous that someone may have to suffer the same pain I did, and I hate that I've lost the innocence that comes with anyone being pregnant.

It's no longer just pure joy in my heart to know a new life is being created. I get paranoid for other people that something will go wrong, or I hope that people will understand the beauty of what is happening to them, and how precious life is, and that there is a precious life growing inside of them from the minute of conception. That is your baby from the minute you realize you are expecting. It's such a beautiful thing yet so fragile.

I must admit I get the most nervous when I hear of someone going in for their big ultrasound. It's like I hold my breath until I hear that they came back from it safe and sound, and that baby looks good. I just know they are so excited about the whole thing, and I know how damn awful it is to learn that your baby no longer has a heartbeat when you thought you were going in for the most fun part of the whole pregnancy. I hate that all that innocence is lost. I hate being so nervous for other people, and not being able to just be happy. I hate all the other emotions that now come with it.

Like I said I'm genuinely happy for everyone that is expecting or has a new bundle of joy, but I can't help to be a little hurt by it all. Not that other people dont deserve the happiness of a new baby, but I just so long to feel that happiness of my Gabriel being with us too. It's nobody's fault of what happened to me, and nobody should have to hold back their great news from because of what happened to me, but I can't help to just feel a tiny sting. I guess that's just the way my new life goes.