Ugly Shoes

I got this from the message board I frequent:

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I think I'm back

So MUCH going on in this crazy life lately, but I need to come back to writing on this blog regularly. I miss my little oasis where I can scream at the world without anyone really hearing how loud I'm being.

My brother is getting married in early July, and I'm the matron of honor so I've been planning bridal showers, bach. parties, and all the fun stuff that comes with weddings. A lot has been going on, and a lot still needs to be resolved.

The weather is finally getting nice out so that's kept Andy and I pretty busy during the days. As my brothers wedding nears I think of my little Gabriel more and more. I should be stressing out about how I'm going to find time to breastfeed him while standing up in the wedding. We have a ton of out of town family coming to town, and they all should be meeting my baby, but instead they either will say nothing or will be giving me their condolences. So that's been weighing heavy on my mind.

I also have a dress to fit into and that's not working out so well. I've been working out like crazy these last few weeks trying to get my butt in gear. I let myself go after my 2nd loss, and I'm paying a very hefty price for it. I've got to get myself together big time. There is only 5 weeks left!! I hope I can pull something off.

The end of an era

The pacifier is no longer a part of our home. The pacifier was officially laid to rest this evening, and will NOT be coming again until there is, God willing, another little baby in our lives. For the last few weeks I had slowly weaned the paci from Andy during the day. Someday's it went really well, and other times it was just a complete nightmare. For whatever reason this week she just seemed to do really well without it during the day. She didn't seem to be asking for it nearly as much, and she was going really long stretches during the day without even remembering about it.

I decided it was time to completely get rid of it yesterday. As you guys probably know she has been battling ear infections on and off now for about 6 months. This is not typical just because for the first 15 months of her life she had no ear infections. I ended up taking her to a chiropractor yesterday, and I'm so happy I did. He told me some things I already knew, but I just never had really paid attention to. One of his main points was that she shouldn't be sleeping with the paci cause that can cause inflammation in her ears. So I took the plunge today, and I chopped the tip off of it, and when she asked for it I handed to her. She took it, and when she couldn't get a grip, she just looked at it, and tossed it. I think she was ready to move on too. :)

On to the next phase, POTTY TRAINING! That's gonna be at her pace though.

Mother's Day

I'm blessed enough to have my little Andrea here to to celebrate Mother's Day with, blessed enough to have 2 mom's here on earth that I love dearly, blessed enough to have a mother-in-law here on earth that has been nothing but good to me, and blessed enough to have some amazing aunts here on earth. I thank God for that, but unfortunately this year as happy as I am, there is a void in my heart, and I think it will be there for the rest of my life. I'm a mom to 3 children, and only one gets to be here with me.

I'm glad I have Andrea, and that people will still acknowledge me as a mom cause I have her, but I'm a mom to 3 babies, and I dont want the world to forget. If you know someone that has no kids here on earth, but has babies in heaven, please dont forget to acknowledge them as mom's too. They are mommy's to babies in Heaven. They love and think about their babies just as much as a mom does with her children here. They had to be brave enough to let their babies live far away from them, but yet they know their babies are well taken care of. To all mom's with Angel babies, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I have my 3 kiddo's that I will never stop loving. Andrea is my world, Gabriel is my reason, Baby C is my purpose, and any other babies I may have will always be my hope.

IPOD

Hubby got me an IPOD about 3 weeks ago. This thing has been a blessing and a curse!! I lost my IPOD with over 3,500 songs in it about 2 years ago. It still hurts to say that, but now I've got a 64g IPOD touch that I'm so in love with. I've got about half of my music back, and have been working every single night trying to get the rest back on to my new IPOD. This thing is super addicting.

I recently discovered Words with Friends. OMG I can't seem to stop playing it! Uggh. LOL. At least I have to use my brain for it.

So that's what's been keeping me busy lately aside from my almost 2 year old running all over the place. :)

Events

Last Saturday we went to my cousin's 1st Communion, today we went to my nephew's 1st Communion, and in the following weeks we have a few other big events. I'm so happy for each and every person, but I can't help and wonder what it would be like for Gabriel to one day be celebrating these events in his life.

I wonder what he would look like in his tux in a church full of little boys and girls getting ready to receive Jesus for the first time, I wonder what he would like a graduation gown receiving his college diploma, what it would feel like seeing my son marry his dream girl. None of this can ever be answered.

I miss you more and more each day. I want to breathe again, I want to smile all the way again, but i know I can't, and I know I never will. A piece of me is gone forever, and I would do anything to get it back, but all I can do now is figure out how to make this my new normal.