Not a whole lot going on here recently. It's been a quiet week after our vacation last week. I've been trying to get back in the rhythm of running again. It's been a total off week as far as my endurance and capability to kick ass out there. It hasn't been a kick ass week, but I'm just glad I've had enough in me to just push myself to go out there and run to keep it as together as I can.
I've realize that as much as I miss my Sammy boy (our dog), not having him around has forced me to pay a lot more attention to Kramer. I feel like a bad owner for even admitting that, but I think I relied on the fact that they had each other too much. Now I feel bad cause I know if I dont walk him or whatever he's on his own pretty much with no physical activity. As a snowball effect that in turn pushes me to go out there and run. He and I both needed it. I just haven't really had the "umph" to this week. However, I'm just really proud at this point that I've gotten my butt up and have done it, and dont just fall way behind.
I know that if I stop or give myself a break it will be even harder to get back in the groove. That's how it always happens. You give yourself an off week, and it's hard as heck to get back into, and before you know it's been 3 months since you last worked out. I'm done with that. I'm done with letting myself go. I'm done with being overweight. I want to kick these pounds once and for all. I need to, for my sake, for the sake of my kid, and for the sake of God willing any other future children.
I think I'm done for tonight. I kinda feel like I mini-vented. LOL.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Old Pics
I was organizing some pictures for the BFF from her bachelorette party, and I started going through Andrea's old pics from when she was just a month or two old. Brought back so many happy memories. Short days and sleepless nights, where everything was still so new, and you weren't exactly sure of the decisions you were making, but yet they felt right. When you wondered what life would be like in a year or two, and you were so in love with your little one, and you just had the rest of your life so planned out, and never figured it would go so wrong.
I love Andrea with all that I have and more, and I thank God for her everyday, but looking at her baby pictures brought back a lot of feelings that I never thought I'd ever feel. I wondered if Gabriel would have looked like her, I wondered if I would ever hold a baby of my own that small and innocent. I almost have forgotten what it feels like to have such a small one at home. People look at Andrea and say how cute she is, but there is something about babies that people go gaga over. They are new and tiny, and I want that back when I look at those pictures. I want that feeling back of holding something so small that I made all over again. As afraid as I am to try again, the itch keeps coming back when I see pictures like that.
I love Andrea with all that I have and more, and I thank God for her everyday, but looking at her baby pictures brought back a lot of feelings that I never thought I'd ever feel. I wondered if Gabriel would have looked like her, I wondered if I would ever hold a baby of my own that small and innocent. I almost have forgotten what it feels like to have such a small one at home. People look at Andrea and say how cute she is, but there is something about babies that people go gaga over. They are new and tiny, and I want that back when I look at those pictures. I want that feeling back of holding something so small that I made all over again. As afraid as I am to try again, the itch keeps coming back when I see pictures like that.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Milestones
A year ago today I was on cloud 9. I remember the day like it was just yesterday. It was a beautiful 85 degree sunny day, and my daughter had just turned 13 months. She was on verge of walking (she would eventually take her first real steps 3 days later). I was also a day late on my cycle, and I knew the possibility of being pregnant was there, but I didnt have my hopes up because we had been trying for several months with no luck.
I figured I had nothing to lose, and I needed to go out for a walk anyway, so I strapped Andy up in the stroller and off we went to CVS. I think I ran home just shttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=8264972486769541492o I could test. Lol. I put Andy down in the bathroom, and I felt like it was the longest minute of my life waiting back for the result. To my surprise it was a big fat positive. OMG!! I told Andrea she was going to be a big sister, and we did a happy dance. I got myself together and called Beto at work. He couldn't say much, but I could hear him smiling.
Just like that, in an instant, you fall in love, you start having hopes and dreams, you start wondering, and getting nervous. You make plans, your world changes all over again. All with a stick that has two pink lines on it, but you know it's so much more than just a stick. It's a human being growing inside of you. It's love, it's indescribable.
I started to wonder immediately what life would be like in 9 short months with a 20 month old, and a newborn. I would be due in April. Perfect timing. I wondering if Andrea would have a little sister and they would be close as can be, or if she would have a brother, and teach him the way. I wondered if she would be jealous or love her new big sister role. I wondered how I would handle two under two each day by myself. I knew I could do it, but I knew there would be a major adjustment.
The only thing I never in my dreams imagined is that a year after getting that positive pregnancy test I wouldn't have a baby in my arms. Crazy how all those dreams came crashing down so fast 20 weeks after that positive test.
I figured I had nothing to lose, and I needed to go out for a walk anyway, so I strapped Andy up in the stroller and off we went to CVS. I think I ran home just shttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=8264972486769541492o I could test. Lol. I put Andy down in the bathroom, and I felt like it was the longest minute of my life waiting back for the result. To my surprise it was a big fat positive. OMG!! I told Andrea she was going to be a big sister, and we did a happy dance. I got myself together and called Beto at work. He couldn't say much, but I could hear him smiling.
Just like that, in an instant, you fall in love, you start having hopes and dreams, you start wondering, and getting nervous. You make plans, your world changes all over again. All with a stick that has two pink lines on it, but you know it's so much more than just a stick. It's a human being growing inside of you. It's love, it's indescribable.
I started to wonder immediately what life would be like in 9 short months with a 20 month old, and a newborn. I would be due in April. Perfect timing. I wondering if Andrea would have a little sister and they would be close as can be, or if she would have a brother, and teach him the way. I wondered if she would be jealous or love her new big sister role. I wondered how I would handle two under two each day by myself. I knew I could do it, but I knew there would be a major adjustment.
The only thing I never in my dreams imagined is that a year after getting that positive pregnancy test I wouldn't have a baby in my arms. Crazy how all those dreams came crashing down so fast 20 weeks after that positive test.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Feeling good.
It's been a long time since I've felt this good about myself. I started out the year really well with the working out, but when I got pregnant again, and lost the 2nd baby it all kind of went to hell. I knew I had to get myself back up, but it's been hard to find the motivation. I started couch to 5k about a month ago, and man what a difference each week makes. I love it. I can actually run for longer than 30 seconds. lol. I feel my body just transforming each week.
I still need to get back into watching my diet, and I need to workout more than just the couch to 5k training, but I feel like it's a start for now, and with each week that passes by I feel the motivation to really go back and hit those hardcore workouts again is coming back. I know I need this for myself and for my spirit. It does something to me every time I do something I didnt think I could.
I hope to really pick up on the workouts as soon as we get back from the Dell's. I enjoy being out there with just my dog and pushing him. I get to reflect on the day, and its my Gabriel and I time. i think of him, and how things would be if he were here, and I just keep asking him to keep me going each day. His sister is testing my patience everyday, but I know she's worth every tear drop and every tantrum. Lol. I just tell Gabe to send me all the patience I can get, and to tell his big sister to take it easy on me.
I still need to get back into watching my diet, and I need to workout more than just the couch to 5k training, but I feel like it's a start for now, and with each week that passes by I feel the motivation to really go back and hit those hardcore workouts again is coming back. I know I need this for myself and for my spirit. It does something to me every time I do something I didnt think I could.
I hope to really pick up on the workouts as soon as we get back from the Dell's. I enjoy being out there with just my dog and pushing him. I get to reflect on the day, and its my Gabriel and I time. i think of him, and how things would be if he were here, and I just keep asking him to keep me going each day. His sister is testing my patience everyday, but I know she's worth every tear drop and every tantrum. Lol. I just tell Gabe to send me all the patience I can get, and to tell his big sister to take it easy on me.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
New Milestone
My child is now 2 years old, and while she has met many milestones I"m so proud of, I must admit that potty training is got to be one of the best! She figured it out in a total of one day. It was probably the most stressful, but yet most rewarding day at home with her.
I put undies on her on Monday, and kinda just let her see what she would do. She has had a potty seat since December, and has sat on it many times, but never really used it. She knew very well what it was for, but she never cared to actually pee in it. Monday was a big fail. She peed on the floor 8 times. I felt frustrated and perhaps was ready to throw in the towel, and just give it a break, but I was determined damn it. LOL.
On Tuesday I put her in undies again, but instead of asking her if she had to pee, I simply kept telling her to let me know when she had to pee. Low and behold about 30 minutes after reminding her every 5 minutes, she did it. She told me she had to pee, and went to the potty!! I praised her so so so so much, and she's never looked back again. Seriously she has had one accident since Tuesday morning, and it was on her way to the potty. She just didnt make it on time.
I know that she may regress or have a few accidents here and there, but really I think she enjoys all the praise she gets when she goes that she tries her best to make it each time. I think I'm so proud of this accomplishment because it's something I had to really teach her, but at the same time have her figure out at the same time. She's my big girl now, and I can't wait to see what other wonderful things she does in this life.
I put undies on her on Monday, and kinda just let her see what she would do. She has had a potty seat since December, and has sat on it many times, but never really used it. She knew very well what it was for, but she never cared to actually pee in it. Monday was a big fail. She peed on the floor 8 times. I felt frustrated and perhaps was ready to throw in the towel, and just give it a break, but I was determined damn it. LOL.
On Tuesday I put her in undies again, but instead of asking her if she had to pee, I simply kept telling her to let me know when she had to pee. Low and behold about 30 minutes after reminding her every 5 minutes, she did it. She told me she had to pee, and went to the potty!! I praised her so so so so much, and she's never looked back again. Seriously she has had one accident since Tuesday morning, and it was on her way to the potty. She just didnt make it on time.
I know that she may regress or have a few accidents here and there, but really I think she enjoys all the praise she gets when she goes that she tries her best to make it each time. I think I'm so proud of this accomplishment because it's something I had to really teach her, but at the same time have her figure out at the same time. She's my big girl now, and I can't wait to see what other wonderful things she does in this life.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Wondering what it would be like
I don't normally like thinking that way, but sometimes it's hard to not go that route. The family that lives 2 doors from us just had a baby. It makes things a bit easier knowing it's a girl, but it still sucks. This couple married a month before us, had a little girl a month after us, and well they just got their second baby. It's crazy all the similarities yet our 2nd baby is not here with us. They get to figure out 2 small children out, they get to have sleepless nights while having to deal with a toddler during the day, they get to change diapers and clean up toddler messes. I'd give the world to do that.
I just get so mad sometimes that I was robbed of that chance. No matter what happens now, the dream is dashed. My daughter will be 3 the next time she has a baby brother/sister. 3 is so different than 2. I mean it'll still be nice, and a great blessing, but the challenges will be so different. God it's so hard not to wonder what things would be like.
I love you always Gabe.
I just get so mad sometimes that I was robbed of that chance. No matter what happens now, the dream is dashed. My daughter will be 3 the next time she has a baby brother/sister. 3 is so different than 2. I mean it'll still be nice, and a great blessing, but the challenges will be so different. God it's so hard not to wonder what things would be like.
I love you always Gabe.
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