My year in review

I like to review my year each year. I like to remember the things that happened in my life, and how they have affected my life. I've been sitting here thinking about this year a lot, and of all the things that have happened this year, and I can't seem to remember a whole lot before May. I mean I know things happened, but it's like my year is a blur from January-April. Maybe it's a good thing, I dont know.

Anyway, I'll start out by saying that the year started out rough for us financially, and it kind of never got better. We had our good months, but for the most part it sucked. Working at Domino's helped out for a while, but it was physically draining, and it wasn't doing my marriage any good. I also missed Andrea like crazy in the evenings. So that gig only lasted like 3 months.

What I do remember clearly about this year is how much Andrea has grown, all her milestones, and how my love for her grows stronger each day. She has always been the bright side to my days even when she is having a bad day herself. Now that she is walking and hopefully starts talking soon I'm sure we'll have more fun than ever.

We got a tenant that sucks ass at times, but the money is nice. I've learned how bad it sucks having a house we can't really afford. However, I think both Beto and I have grown a lot through ths experience. I'm not sure what we will do about tenant when April comes around and her lease expires. A part of me wants to talk to her, and just make some rules for living in our house clear, but at other times I dont know if I feel like dealing with her. In the end of it all we sit back and laugh at most of the bullshit she's put us through. What else can you do, but laugh in this life?

So I'm writing this blog, and I'm trying to review my year with everything that happened, but only the obvious keeps coming to my mind, losing Gabriel. I didnt want this entry to be consumed only by his loss, because despite the pain, tears, and sadness his loss has brought me I did have laughs and good times.

For 20 weeks out of the 52 weeks in this year I was so completely fulfilled. I had my Andrea keeping me on my toes everyday, and I had Gabriel growing inside of me. I had it all planned out, and I was so excited to have a baby all over again. I guess this year just wasn't meant to be the year.

A big part of me wants to just forget 2009 existed, but I know that I cant, and it just wouldn't be fair. My little girl turned one this year, we celebrated our 2nd anniversary, my brother got engaged to my best friend, I turned 27 years old. I mean I have a lot to thank God for in this year as crappy as it was. I guess I really dont want to forget this year, it's the year that I did have Gabriel with me even for a short while. It'll always be a bittersweet year for me.

As much as i can't wait for the fresh start and the new beginning, a part of me is so sad to say goodbye to 2009. It was the crappiest of years, but I hold a very bittersweet feeling towards this year. Gabriel was a part of this year, and it makes me so sad that he wont be a part of 2010 like he is supposed to be. I can't for this year to end, but a part of me wants to stay stuck in it forever just cause I had Gabriel inside of me in this year. I hold so many hopes and dreams for 2010, but I just wish Gabe were a part of those hopes and dreams. I will never forget my baby boy.

So I guess this is all I have for this year. I really hope that when I write about next year, a much better picture is painted. I thank God for having let me live through this year no matter how crappy it was. Seriously, in the end I matured more, learned to love more, prayed more, and appreciated things more. My dear Gabriel will always be my favorite memory of 2009 even though I never actually saw his face or touched his skin. With this I wave goodbye to 2009, and everything that happened in this year. I'll never forget....

March of Dimes

I did two things today. I actually called in and registered Beto and I for the support group at Prentice hospital, and I started a team up for March of Dimes. The walk in Chicago is set for April 25th. I'm really looking forward to it, and I've set our goal of raising money at $500. I hope we can meet that goal. I have a need to not let what happened go in vain. I feel the March of Dimes is the perfect organization to work with. I hope that one day no mother has to go through the pain of losing their child for any reason. I'm looking forward to this event, especially since it's in April, and that was the month Gabe was supposed to make his appearance.

If anyone is interested in joining the team and walking or donating money to the cause the website is: http://www.marchforbabies.org//team/t1364688 Thanks everyone!

What being broke does.

So our dog Sam desperately needed a haircut. However, times are a bit tough right now, and Christmas didn't help much so we decided to give him a haircut ourselves. Let's just say Mr. Sam has very coarse curly hair, that turns into knots after a certain length. Well we cut it for an hour, and I think we are half way there. My poor guy has to wait til tomorrow to finish his haircut. LOL, I know how ghetto that is, but hey we are saving ourselves $5o. I love the fact that he doesn't shed, but man keeping up with his hair may be more work.

Funny thing is that Kramer, our yellow lab, was just looking at him while he got his cut with a big fat SUCKER look. LOL. Either way it provided some needed laughs between Beto and I. It's one of those bonding experiences that won't forget. Everyday seems to be some kind of adventure in our marriage.

In other news, only 3 days left in this craptastic year!!!

Taking the plunge.

After I lost Gabriel the Dr. told me about support groups available to me. I kept my options open, and told myself I'd give myself a few weeks to see how I was doing with things. I've decided to join the support group for families that have lost a child because of miscarriage, stillbirth, or very soon after their birth. I have found myself wanting to continuously talk about Gabe. I think a part of it is so people never forget him. I think going to a support group will help. I'm looking forward to hearing other peoples stories, and seeing how they have carried on after losing a child in this manner. I just feel like I'm drowning sometimes, but I manage to stay afloat for my beautiful Andy.

I need to live each day for her, and she's the motor in my heart that keeps me going. Gotta keep rolling, but I realize I need a little bit of help to keep rolling, and I'm not afraid to seek that help out anymore. I know Beto understands me so well, but I dont like to consume all of our conversations with the same thing. I think being able to have a set time each week to talk about him will be good for my soul. Not that I wont mention or think about Gabe the rest of the week, but I look forward to having that time. i'll keep you guys posted on how it's going.

Merry Christmas!

Hope you are up there singing and dancing with all the angels in heaven Gabriel. I survived Christmas much better than I thought I would, but it's still so difficult to be sitting there without a belly. I know I need to take each day for what it is, not what it is supposed to be, but it's hard. (I learned that from a girl on a message board that has helped me through all of this). I couldn't help but wonder how you should have been 8 months old next Christmas. How much fun you and Andy would have opening up presents next year. I wondered what outfits I'd buy you next year to coordinate with one another. You dont need clothes or presents, you are in Jesus arm's now, and none of this mundane stuff matters.

I know people dont understand, but it hurts so bad when they mention the day we have a son, or just wait til you have a boy. I just want to scream to the world that I had a baby boy, that he was such a perfect boy he was too good for this world. I love you very much Gabe, and we will never forget you, and we will forever count you as our first son.

Merry Christmas son.

starting to feel the sting...

I'm starting to feel the sting of not having Gabriel in my belly on Christmas. I felt like I was holding up as best as I can, but now I'm really starting to feel so sad about the whole thing. I want him back so bad it's not even funny. I dont want XMAS to come and he not be kicking and squirming inside me. I dont want to see all the extended family I haven't seen since we lost him. I just want to hide under a rock and stay there. I just want my baby back so bad!!! I guess tomorrow and Friday are going to be a lot harder than I thought since I'm feeling this way already. I'm praying for a great 2010, but I will never forget my little boy. I pray that tomorrow and friday come and go as soon as possible so that I dont feel such a strong sting that my boy isn't inside of me anymore. GRRR...

Happy Birthday Beto!

Today I'm going to take the time out to blog about my awesome husband! ;) It's his 26th birthday today, and I think he deserves a round of applause. I just want to let the world know that I have an awesome husband. It's been a hellish year for us, and I dont know where I would be in this life without him by my side. We've had our ups and downs, but I think we always come out stronger with each thing that happens in our lives. I'm glad to know things just keep getting better between us two even when our world comes crashing down. He does everything in his power to make Andrea and I the happiest girls in the world. I know a lot of people dont really know the side of him I know. He's got one of the biggest hearts, and always puts others he really cares for first.

He always makes sure Andy and I are taken care of and we are happy. He's done so much growing up in the last year or so, and it's all been just to put a smile on our faces. It'll be a year next week that he had his last cigarette, and even though there have been many reasons for him to fall back on that old bad nasty habit he hasnt. I can't thank God enough for that!

Obviously it was just less than a month ago that we lost our first son. I know that has really hurt him, but he's always tried to be the stronger one for me. People always ask how I'm doing and stuff, but i think people need to ask him how he's doing too. He loved Gabriel just as much I do, and he misses and hurts for him just as much as I do.

I just want to let you know that I love you with all my heart, and I appreciate all the sacrifices you make for us. I can't wait to see what this life has in store for us, and I'm glad you are the man who will be holding my hand through it all. I love you!

tomorrow.

It's another day closer to Christmas. The shopping isn't done, and I could really care less. LOL. Andrea is got her pretty dress ready, and I hope she has fun. Beto's bday is tomorrow, and I wish I could buy him the world for all the amazing he has been not only in the last month, but throughout our relationship. I can't buy him the world, but I can shower him with lots of love. I should be going to the dr. tomorrow for my monthly visit, and to hear Gabe's heartbeat and make sure he's doing fine. Instead there isn't any Dr. to visit, and there is no heartbeat to listen to. All there is an angel up in heaven and lots of tears to cry. What a perfect day it should be, dr. appt, bday lunch for the hubby, and just hanging out and having fun.

We will still have lunch and fun, but it's like a big part of us is gone. I just want Christmas to be over. I hope and pray to God that 2010 brings us so many more smiles and just better luck. That's all I've got for today. I know tomorrow may be a longer blog. thanks to everyone that takes the time to read my gibberish. :)

23 weeks.....

That's how far along I should be today but I'm not. Instead Tuesday will mark 4 week since we found out Gabriel was no longer with us. It's crazy how time just keeps moving and waits for no one. It's a battle only Beto and I can face together. It's a loss that only us two understand what it was like, and it is like, and will always be like. I just wish people could understand a little better. I'm not afraid of people speaking about babies and being pregnant in front of me, but I wish people would be more careful about mentioning stuff about having a son one day. Sometimes I want to scream that I DID have a son. We may have never seen his face, felt his soft skin, or gave him a kiss, but I love that boy just as much as if I had. I loved my Gabriel since the day my body let me know I had a little seed in me.

We celebrated two birthdays today, Emily and Letty's. Both beautiful little girls. I can't believe how big my nieces are getting. It scares me to think Andrea will be like them in a blink of an eye. It's how our new life is though, you are so happy that your family gets to see another birthday, but you can't help but think that your kid will never blow out a candle on their cake because they couldn't even make it to their own birth. Learning to live with our "new normal" that's all we can do. That's all I have for today, there are a lot of birthdays and events going on this week that will be surely exciting and hard all at the same time.

Sometimes I just wanna blab

and that's why I have my blog, so today I'm just gonna blab about everything. I got Beto to drag me out to the mall early today. It was actually nice being out. Just the three of us early in the morning. We got some stuff for ourselves which was nice for a change. Andy came home beat, and is now napping. Today is Beto's company holiday party. I'm really looking forward to it, and getting out of the house, but I have an immense guilt about drinking. Yes I know it is ridiculous, but I feel so 50/50 about having a drink. I need a drink to just kick back and relax, but I also dont want to be able to drink. I want to be 23 weeks pregnant. I want to have a cute little belly that everyone just looks at. I want Gabriel to be kicking and punching reminding me he is inside of me, and I'm not allowed to have a drink. This is our 3rd XMAS party with RTS, and each year I haven't really been able to drink because I was either pregnant or breastfeeding. This year isn't supposed to be any different.

So many mixed emotions run through my blood right now. I'm sad, mad, angry, happy, okay. I have two lives now, the one before we found out Gabriel was gone, and the one after. I'm trying to figure out my families "new normal". I'm trying so hard to live as normal of a life for my Andrea. I'm trying so hard to enjoy this Christmas for her. She is the reason I get up each morning. I thank God each and everyday for her because I think I would have gone crazy if I didnt have her, and I had lost Gabriel.

I feel like sometimes I wake up and put a smile on my face so that the people that have been here for me through of all this dont worry about it, and they feel like I'm not falling apart. I dont like to be a debbie downer. I'm so thankful I have Beto because he's the only person in this world that totally and completely understands exactly what i'm feeling. He has been amazing through all of this, and I can say that things have gotten better because of him. I know I sound like a bi-polar freak where sometimes I'm so sad, and at other times I do smile sincerely. I guess I'm learning to live happily again with a little angel in heaven. It's almost like you start to live two lives. The one you are in and happens everyday where you laugh smile and live, and the little world that I go into where it hurts like hell to know I had a son that just couldn't be here with us.

I know God is watching over all of us, and giving us the strength to carry on. I have learned to love a little more, be patient a little more, and most importantly I've learned to pray a little more. That's the end of my gibberish for today.

acceptance...

I had my post-op appt. a little over a week ago, and we got the results of the tests that were run to see if there were any answers to why I lost Gabriel. All the tests came back negative. There is no explanation for what happened. There was nothing wrong chromosomal wise, no types of defects, no infection, nothing, nada, zilch. I guess this is supposed to be some kind of comfort, but I'm really struggling to find comfort in that. I feel so paranoid. I dont get it, I had a perfectly normal child growing inside of me, and that wasn't good enough to have him keep growing.

I struggle with this so much because I was already paranoid about the next we do get pregnant. I mean I will never feel the innocence of pregnancy again. Everyday I'm going to wonder if everything is okay with my baby. Dr. Deaver already told me that I can come in every week for the nine months if I want. I will probably take her up on that offer because I'm going to need to know there is a beating heart inside of me a lot more than I used to before. Like I guess I should be glad that there wasn't anything wrong with Gabriel, and I dont have to worry about something being wrong with the next baby, but at the same time it leaves me so empty because I did have a perfectly healthy baby, and that wasn't good enough to make him hang on for 9 months.

It's such a whirlwind when I think of this. All I want is my Gabriel. I never have wanted something so bad, and yet I know that no matter what I do, I will NEVER get him back. I know God knows what He's doing, and I pray everyday for strength to carry on. I thank Him everyday for my little Andy because without her in my life I would be a total disaster. Okay my vent for the day is over.

Today was a good day.

Somedays the sun just seems to shine brighter than others even if the sun doesn't really come out. Does that even make sense? I woke up feeling good today. I even worked out for a bit which I think helped me jumpstart my day. I think of Gabriel each and everyday, but somedays I can smile when I think of him. I think of the lovely place he is at. I think of how calm and serene he must be. I think about how Jordan must be showing him around, and teaching him the ropes of heaven, and how things work up there. I miss Gabriel each day, and each day I miss carrying him, and I miss talking to my belly.

I know Christmas is going to be difficult, and it's difficult for me to just think about being in big crowds. I dont know why, but it just makes me sad to be in big crowds. I can't even begin to explain it. I'm just glad today was more of a smiles day rather than a gloomy sad day. I'm even starting to be satisfied with the fact that some people are better than others at being there for you, and those are the people I need to surround myself with. That's all for today. I'm going to enjoy the rest of what's left of today because I know tomorrow may not feel as good as today and that's okay. Take care!

The aftermath

I had my baby removed from my body on Tuesday December 1st. I said a long goodbye on the night before. Let my baby know how much I loved him, how badly I would miss him, and how I would never forget him.

After the surgery the Dr. told us it was a boy. It was a huge huge loss, but I needed to know the sex of my child. I needed to know exactly who he was. Gabriel was his name. Gabriel was an archangel and a messenger of God. It just seemed so perfect for my little angel. I still hurt so much for Beto because I know how badly he wanted a boy. I feel like my daughter was robbed of a brother, and I just feel empty.

It's been 3weeks and 1 day since we found out Gabriel was no longer beating inside my body, and 2 weeks 1day since he was taken from me. I managed to put myself together, and go to Target yesterday. That is a big deal!! The last time I was at Target was the Sunday before I would have my D&E, and I had to leave. I went in there to buy pads because I knew the inevitable was coming, and it just broke my heart, I passed by the maternity clothes, and it pissed me off, and I had to go buy Andrea diapers and I wanted to grab some infant clothes too, but there was no longer a baby to shop for.

It all sounds so mundane and dumb, but seriously those are the little things that get to me. I'm happy for everyone that is pregnant or just had a baby, and I only wish them the best, but it's hard. I want my Gabriel back in the worse way!!!! Every Sunday I think about how I should be a week further along, but instead it's a week farther from having had Gabriel inside of me.

Christmas is already hard. I know I have to be strong and carry on for Andrea, and I know Im extremely lucky that I have Andrea in my life, but that doesn't take away the fact that I lost a son. I dont know. Somedays are so much better than others. I guess I'll get past this one day, but I know I will never get over it. I will never forget Gabriel, I will never stop wondering what he would be like, and another baby will not make this all better. I will always be shortchanged one child in my life, and my family will no longer ever be complete. My kids will always have a brother they never met in heaven. I will carry him in my heart forever, and I know I will never be the person I was before November 24th, 2009. I miss my son, and I will never take being pregnant for granted ever again.

Than our world came crashing down

Leading up to the days of the big u/s everyone kept asking if I was excited. I was anxious to find out the gender, but deep down inside I just wanted a healthy baby more than anything. I don't know if it's mother's intuition or what, but the days before I just asked God to show me a healthy baby.

November 24th started out as a typical day for me. I got up checked my email, and of course posted on facebook that today was the big day. Andrea woke up in a good mood, and I had Xavier for a few hours. Around 1115am Xavier left, and I got Andrea ready to start heading out the door. I went to pick up Manny and Letty from school, and I will never forget how excited Letty was that it was FINALLY the day to find out the gender. She was sooooo excited about this baby, and I promised her she'd be the first person we'd call as soon as we got out of the office.

Dropped the kids off at their grandpa's, and I went to go pick up Beto at work. We got to the office a few minutes early. Andrea hadn't napped, but she seemed to be doing okay. Finally they called our name, and we went into the ultrasound techs room. Andrea sat quietly in Beto's lap, and just fell asleep at the right moment. The tech started looking, and I got a sinking feeling. Something just didn't feel right. She asked me how far along I was which made me a bit nervous, but not nervous enough. Than she asked me who my Dr. was, and if I had already seen my Dr. today. Once she asked that I knew it was not good. The tech seemed so desperate to find a heartbeat. She pulled and prodded, and moved the Doppler over and over again. Finally she said she'd be right back, and sure enough she came back with Dr. Deaver. NOT GOOD AT ALL.

Dr. Deaver tried so hard to look for something herself, but it just wasn't there. She looked at me in the eye, and just said, "I'm so sorry but there is no heartbeat". I felt the world just come crashing down on me. The tears just started flowing, and I couldn't even look at Beto's face. It broke my heart to see him so sad. Dr. Deaver was so nice, and I can see her eyes get teary eyed as she sat and talked to us about our options. I know it's her job, but I didnt want to have options, I wanted to have my baby.

They ran test to see if they could determine where things had gone so wrong. I was just in shock as I could've sworn I felt my baby kick the day before. It's just the most awful, spearing feeling in the world. I pray to God I never feel the way I did that day ever again.

My 19 weeks of happiness

So on Aug. 10 I took a pregnancy test just for heck of it. I was only a day late, but I thought maybe this was it after a few months of negatives. To my disbelief a big o positive showed up!!! I was in shock for a few. Andrea was the only one with me, and I just told her, "your going to be a big sister". She thought it was the funniest thing in the world. I called Beto up at work, and I told him "guess what"?, and he couldn't figure it out, and than finally he said "you're pregnant". I was so excited to reply yes. After hanging up with him I just started imagining what life would be like with two kids under 2 in the house. A part of me was very nervous, but a big part of me couldn't contain my excitement.

The next few weeks were overall quiet. The summer was coming to an end, and I had some sickness, and I was tired, but I never felt the way I did with Andrea. I figured it had to be a boy. :) I kept about my business, taking care of Andrea and Xavier. Somedays I couldn't wait for Andrea's 8pm bedtime so I can go to sleep with her, and other days I was ok.

It was finally time to see the heartbeat for the first time on Sept. 29th. I was exactly 7weeks and 2 days. There was my little munchkin with a strong heartbeat. I never can get tired of that feeling. Something so little, yet so full of life growing inside of me. Dr. couldn't get the greatest picture of the baby so she promised another one in a month. I love Dr. Deaver, she is simply one of the best Dr. out there.

So at the end of Oct. it was time to see babies heart beat again!! I was 11week 2 days than. There was my precious little bean getting bigger and bigger. This time Dr. Deaver got a good picture, and once again there was my bean's heartbeat nice and strong. I made my appt. for the next month. I was told I couldn't have a VBAC, and c-section was the way to go. I was a bit disappointed with that news, but at the end of the day all that mattered was that I had a healthy baby. I felt a little odd picking out my kids birthday though.

At the 15 week appt. we weren't going to get to see baby's heartbeat through the ultrasound. Dr. Deaver was just going to listen through the doppler since I was already 15 weeks. Well, baby didn't think that was good enough. Dr. tried looking and looking, and just couldn't find it. I honestly wasn't worried because the same thing happened with Andrea at my 15 week appt. Dr. Deaver had me go to the room with the ultrasound machine, and after looking for the baby she finally found it hiding way low on one side, but the heartbeat was there nice and strong. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that was the last time I would see my baby's heart actually beating.

By this point I was way tired by the end of the day. I had been in my maternity jeans for over a month, and it was clear I was pregnant. The warm days of summer and fall were gone, and everyone was prepping for the holidays. I was just thinking of my BIG U/S so we could find out the sex, and see what we were going to need to buy.

2 weeks after my last Dr. visit Andrea became very ill with croup. We ended up taking her to the ER for some breathing treatments. It was a very nerve wrecking time, but thankfully she got better very quickly. I however, ended up terribly sick. I was treated for the H1N1 flu. It was the longest week of my life. I couldn't get out of bed without feeling like I was going to pass out. Dr. Deaver kept in close contact with me, and finally I started to get better. It took almost another week to fully recover my strength back. I was just thankful to God that I was feeling so much better, and I was starting to count down the days till the big u/s. I even was starting to feel what I thought were kicks. I was getting used to the idea of having 2 kids under 2, and I was really starting to plan how things were going to be. I couldn't believe I was already halfway through my pregnancy. Our big ultrasound was scheduled for 11/24/2009 at 130pm.

It's time to come back.

I've decided to pick up blogging again, and I hope to stick to it this time. I always have found writing to be a huge stress reliever for me. So much has happened in my life since my last blog post in May. I found a job as a pizza delivery driver for Domino's. I lasted about 3 months working there. I made some decent money, and I enjoyed the job, but I ended up quitting. It was becoming to stressful on my life as a wife and mother. I would come home pretty late on some nights, and I was just really tired.

My little baby Andrea turned one in July. I can't believe she's not my little tiny baby anymore, and she's a full blown toddler. Her birthday party was a huge success, and I hope she had as much fun as everyone else did. :). Andrea learned to walk on her own on Aug. 13th, 2009. It was amazing. She literally just woke up one day and took off walking!!! I think we did pretty well overall. There hasn't been to many big falls or cuts and bruises. She's now fully running and is learning how to jump. LOL.

Unfortunately, things haven't been all laughs and smiles for us. On August 10, 2009 I got a big fat positive on a pregnancy test. I was so elated!!! Seriously, we didnt expect a positive that month. I called Beto up at work, and told him the news. He didnt believe me at first because like I said we just weren't expecting it to happen that month. I couldn't believe it, I was going to be the mother of two kids under two. I was very excited and nervous at the prospect. (I will talk more about this pregnancy during a different post).

Other than watching Andrea get bigger, and being excited about my pregnancy everything else kept running in our lives. We are still struggling financially, but we are going to make it through. Someway, somehow I know of this. It's been an up and dater own battle with that, but we are going to make things happen. Anyway, I'm going to leave things at that for now. I have a lot to write about, but it's something that deserves it's own posts. I will try and do that later on tonight.

Frustration

I'm frustrated with a few things today. I think number one is finances, and I'm trying so hard not to let that bring me down. I've been applying to a million jobs over the last few weeks. I'm trying to work around my family vs. having my family work around my job.
I'm ok with working in the evenings because Andrea falls asleep fairly early, and I wont feel as though I'm missing out on important stuff in her life. Plus, I know we need the money bad, and I'm ready to be debt-free.

However, I struggle with not being there for the hubby when gets home from work. I like being there to see his face when he walks in the door. I enjoy eating dinner with him everynight, and just hearing about his day. I guess it's temporary and it wont last that long. I hope I dont miss out on too much. Well, first I hope to find a job to get us out of the hole.
I guess I was just starting to really enjoy having my baby sleep through the night, have time for just Beto and I.

I guess I"m also feeling a bit empty right now, and kind of alone. Sometimes I feel like Im being judged for SAH. Like I feel like people are like if your so damn broke why dont you go get a job. The thing is that I'd rather eat dirt than drop my baby off with someone. I'm not knocking anyone that uses daycare, but I have very strong feelings about this, and I want nothing more than to be the one with my child everyday. LIke I really dont care if I dont have new clothes, new shoes, or anything else as long as I'm home with my baby I'm so happy. I finally found what I was looking for in life. For the first time ever, I can say I'm fulfilled. I know that this is what I was always meant to do. I'll leave at that. That makes me happy knowing I feel fullfilled spending every waking moment with my daughter.

It's been a while.

wow. I can't believe I left the blog for over two weeks. I'm sorry blog. It's been very busy lately. I've been diligently looking for a part time evening job. I need something to come up very soon. I've applied to several different places, but haven't had any calls yet. This makes me very worried. I'm looking into anything that I can get my hands on. I need to make some extra money very soon. I dont really want to do this, but I know it's a big necessity in our lives right now. I'm just glad Andrea is STTN, and I wont feel like I'm missing much. Ughh why can't it just freaking rain money for a second? LOL. I just want to make enough money to pay off some bills and than I'll call it quits. I need evenings and weekends so that I dont miss out of my childs life. At least on the weekends I'll know she is with daddy and that makes me feel better. I'm praying to the good man upstairs to land something for me real soon. Well, I'll check back in tomorrow or something.

Saturday night

So this whole landlord crap is for the birds. Get a call this morning that there's not enough water pressure in the shower. Umm I went up there, and the chick is got better pressure than our shower head. Ughh.

IDK maybe I'm just PMS'ing. LOL. I'm tired, yesterday was cool. I enjoyed a night out without child. Today was kind of a bummy day. Feels like a Sunday now though. I really dont feel like babysitting this week, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

I am actively searching for a part-time evening/weekend job so if you know of anything let me know. I'm really wanting to get out of debt ASAP and start my own business, so I'm trying to do everything in my power to get this done. Alright I'm going to stop rambling now. Maybe tomorrow my brain will be fully functioning again.

Good deals

I love finding good deals. I've decided I get a high off of it. LOL. Today I bought a dress and a bra all for a total of $44.09. It's a pretty damn good bra too that can handle these big mamas! LMAO.

Anyway, I ended up having lunch today with an old co-worker. That was nice. I enjoyed my margarita at noon. :) The rest of the day has been a blur, but sometimes day like that are better.

Andrea is still having somewhat of a hard time falling asleep on her own, but I see much improvement in her attitude and just her energy throughout the day. I think she was over tired today, and that's probably why she had a hard time falling asleep today. yesterday was fairly easy though. Hopefully things just keep going better and better.

Thats it for now. Friday is a wedding day, and I get to be baby free for a night. I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest. I'm so ready to get my drink on!

When it rains it pours...

One of my favorite songs from TuPac was "Keep your head up", and one of his lines was "When it rains it pours, they got money for wars, but can't feed the poor". Everytime something goes crazy in my life I always think about that line. Yesterday was one of those days.

You know it just seems like when things go wrong from the minute you wake up, they kind of domino effect throughout the day. I mean I dont really have much to complain, as I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and plenty of love to go around, but sometimes you just ask yourself "why"?

These economic times are rough on everyone. I've officially joined the looking for employment line. Sigh.... I'm just looking for something very part-time. I want to just bring in enough money to get my business going. That is a big goal of mine for 2009. I want to start my own business, and I have big dreams for it. I just want to be able to go into it full force, and give it all the time and dedication it's going to deserve. I'm not going to layout what business I"m going into for a few reasons, but once it's up and running I'll let you guys know! :)

Anyway, today should be a brighter day, and I hope the rest of the month is too. This was a very random blog I just realized, but what can I say, I'm pretty random myself at times.

Mommy lingo

So as many of you may know I love going to babynest.com. It's a mom message board where I get advice and tips on everyday things that mom's come across. However, I realize there is plenty of lingo that we use on there that I find myself using a lot, and most people don't understand it. So I decided to make a list here of acronyms you may be reading on here that I use so that you aren't lost. :)

SAHM- Stay at home mom
DD-dear daughter
MH-my husband
CIO-cry it out

HMm.. I've apparently gone blank, but I'll add more as they come up.

CIO (cry it out)

So yesterday we took the leap of faith and started the Ferber method with Andrea. I thought long and hard about this, and I really wasn't sure if this is the route that would work for us, but really I was so tired of having her fall asleep and than wake up an hour later and than having it take another hour of just holding her hand to fall back to sleep, and to only wake up an hour later again.

I reluctantly checked out the Ferber method from the library a little over a month ago.I read it and felt ready, but apparently I really wasn't. It was awful hearing my kid cry and cry and cry for almost an hour. Beto and I gave up and we just rocked her to sleep. I figured this wasn't for us, and eventually she'd learn to fall asleep on her own. Well as the month progressed I felt like things were just getting worse and seriously I was starting to lose my mind. I need my free time in the evening without worrying about her waking up. So I went and checked out Healthy sleep habits, happy baby. That book along with Ferbers totally did wonders. I understood why my kid needed to sleep, and why she needed to fall asleep at a certain hour everyday.

It hasn't been smooth sailing these past two nights, but I can already see improvements. Last night she cried for 30 minutes before falling asleep, and ended up sleeping 12 hours straight. The most beautiful feeling in the world after 9 months of waking up so much. Today she cried for 2 minutes, whined for 2 and than was completely out by the 5th minute. However, she woke up 20 minutes later hysterical. I was crushed. LOL. So we did the whole Ferber thing again, and it took her almost an hour, but she has been sleeping peacefully since than. I hope tomorrow is a better night. I hear it usually takes around 3 nights before they actually get it.

Here is too good luck and happy sleeping! Well that's all for today, nothing fun sorry.

So I joined the club!

After many weeks of telling myself I was going to start a blog and than changing my mind, and than thinking I just didnt have time for it I'm finally here! I hope to post pics and make it a worthy blog soon, but for now this what you get. I just hope to share my everyday mundane life with the rest of the world. I hope I can put a smile on your face or give you some useful info on other days. Than there are days where I will provide you with completely useless information. That's just the type of person I am!

Have fun, enjoy, and please leave some love every now and than so I know somebody is reading my nonsense!