It's official

It's been an entire week since I blogged. I guess I've just been super busy, and beat by the end of the day. I went in for one last ultrasound yesterday to confirm there was no growth. I dont know, but I guess a part of me was hoping for a miracle. I didn't tell myself that everything was going to be fine because I already knew that everything wasn't going to be fine, but a part of me wished for some crazy miracle.

I'm doing a bit better than I thought I would, but I feel like I haven't really been able to process it until I go in for my d&c on Friday. Seems like I'm stuck losing my babies during holidays. Have I become a pro at this? I mean it's only been 2 times, and I pray to God, it's not anymore, but I guess I'm used to the routine at this point. I didn't need a dr. telling me what to expect. I know exactly what happens, I know exactly how I will feel. This makes me so sad. I shouldn't know what all this is like.

Gabriel would have have been born next Thursday. Wow! Can't believe it. I just wonder how things would be right now. I'd be as big as a house, and the thought of little boy clothes all over the house kinda gives me shivers. I dont know what it's like to care for a boy, but I know exactly what it's like to love a son. How I wish things were so different. I love and miss him more and more.

If you are reading this, please say a prayer on Friday. I'll need it.

It's been a long few days

I dont even know where to start or what to say. I dont even think many people knew I was pregnant again. I should be 8 weeks today, but from the looks of it all, I'm miscarrying. I guess I can't believe I'm back on this roller coaster before I even really got off the first time.

We went in last week for our first appt., and the Dr. saw a gestational sac, and a yolk sac, but no baby. I guess we were all hoping that my dates were just all off, but my HCG levels haven't really gone up to much, and this past Tuesday we went in for another ultrasound, and we saw the same thing. I go in next Tuesday for one more final ultrasound to triple make sure there really isn't any baby, and than I have to decide how I wanna go about this. Sometimes I want to wake up, and find out it's all one big huge nightmare. This whole thing, I want to wake up and be 2 weeks away from meeting Gabriel, I want to wake up and at least still be pregnant with this new little one. I have more babies in heaven than I do here on earth. How the heck did that happen??

I guess I've just been thinking a lot about life lately, and how it's so turned out quite different than I had thought it would just 10 years ago. I guess only God really knows what one will become. It's sad, but it's almost like I was much more prepared for this loss. WTF? No mother should ever be prepared to lose their baby. I dont want to be a pro at it.

I guess all I can do now is dust myself off, and try again.

It's Sunday

I dont have much to share today. Just went to church, and had brunch with Beto's side of the family. I'm feeling really full and tired right now. There are a lot of things going on in my mind right now. Somedays are so much better than others. My due date is getting closer and closer, and that is becoming really hard for me. More and more I wish Gabriel was here with us. I feel a lot of sadness that he isn't here with us. I feel really sad that his should be birthday is going to come and go, and there isn't going to be anything to celebrate. I wish that I had to figure out the babysitting situation for Andrea while I'm in the hospital, I wish we had to worry about the dogs being let out and fed, I wish we had to worry about sleeping arrangements once Gabriel got home. I wish we had to worry about how we are going to manage financially. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and hope that it was all just an ugly nightmare, but with each day that passes it becomes more and more of a reality.

I hate seeing how excited Andrea gets around little babies. How much love she would have for Gabriel. I want the challenge of having 2 kids under 2. Gotta keep asking God for peace in my life.

"Un dia a la vez"!

Our day out

I dont know who needed the day out more, Andrea or me. I know she had a blast on the train, and at Beto's office. She enjoyed the day very much, and I'm really glad I got out with her like I did today. I really needed that day out with her. I'm definitely looking forward to this summer, and just being out and about with her. I'm so exhausted so I'm going to keep it short. Here are a few photos from today.

Spring break.

Or as close as I can get to it right now. I'm these next few days from babysitting. Today is a GORGEOUS day in the greatest city in the world, and I'm going to enjoy it with Andrea today. I'm really looking forward to just spending the whole day with her outside. She will be taking her first bus and train ride, and we will explore downtown together. We're meeting Beto up for lunch, and see what else we can do.

I've gotta stop by my doctor's office, and have some blood drawn. There are some concerns, but I'll elaborate on those later on. Today I just need to enjoy this day with my girl, and soak in the scenery. I'll post about how the day went later on today.

When do I think of you?

I think of you when the rays of sun beam through the window in the morning.
I think of you when the rain slowly hits the windowsill.
I think of you when I see all the snowflakes coming down.
I think of you when I see other little boys.
I think of you when I look at your sister play with other children.
I think of you when I see a big sister, and little brother.
I think of you when I'm in the shower and it's just my thoughts and I.
I think of you when your daddy is holding your sister.
I think of you when I see little boys' clothes at the store.
I think of you when I think of the future.
I think of you when I think of the past.
I think of you when I feel like the world is going to swallow me in.
I think of you when a song comes on.
I think of you when I say my daily prayers.
I think of you each and every minute of each and every hour.
I think of you when I lay me down to sleep.
I think of you in my dreams.
I think of you whenever I breathe.

I miss you with every fiber in my body.
I thank God for those precious 20 weeks.
I love you to infinity and beyond. :)

Under the weather

I haven't been on to blog much this week. I started with a sore throat last Friday that was on and off throughout the weekend. By Monday I felt better during the day, but at night I woke up a million times with a runny nose, and just felt achy. It's been like that all week. I feel perfectly fine throughout the whole day, and about 7pm, I just feel like I'm going to fall over. I think I've been asleep everyday before 930pm or even earlier. It's almost one of those things where I either want to just get really sick, and feel better in a few days, or just not be sick at all anymore. Of course I prefer the latter :).

Anyway, so that's what has been going on this week. It's Thursday today. Almost the weekend. No plans for this weekend, but that's okay. Hopefully it doesn't rain the entire weekend like is forcasted so that I can take Andy out for a bit, and get some fresh air. I'm just thankful to God the nicer weather is upon us.

March 8th

Wow, it is March 8th, 2010. Exactly one month from today my c-section would have been scheduled, and I would have finally held little Gabriel in my arms. I can't believe that I'd be exactly one month from delivering him. How I wish that was my reality, but I must continue to learn to live with what reality really is, and it's learning to live without Gabriel.

I've recently started following the story of Layla Grace. Layla is a beautiful two year old little girl that is suffering from cancer. She is currently at home with her parents, and is not doing well at all. Anytime I hear of a child with cancer, my heart breaks for more than the obvious reason. It just sucks to know that yet another family has to live through such a nightmare the way mine did 10 years ago. Sometimes I ask God why children can't be protected from that horrible disease. Layla Grace will probably not make it through, but she definitely has already earned her angel wings. I just feel for this family so much. I look back at how Jordan's (my cousin) siblings didnt really get to know him, except for Michael, and how Andy will never know Gabriel, and now how Layla's older siblings will only have 2 short years of memories. I'm sure those 2 years are worth a lifetime though.

Please pray for little Layla's family, and especially so that she is not pain during these times. If you'd like to follow Layla's story you can go to www.laylagrace.org

I'm in no way related to or know Layla or her family, but just following their blog has inspired me in so many ways, and has really driven me to pray really hard for this little girl.

Son's week

So I log onto facebook yesterday, and I see a bunch of people's status that read:

IT'S "SON WEEK" : If you have a son who makes your life interesting and fun, who has been a blessing in your life and makes life worth living just by being around - copy and paste this to your status. ♥.Your Sons will outgrow your lap, but never your heart...♥

Now I'm not into doing these types of chain status or anything like that, but this one bugged the crap out of me!!! I kind of just put hid those status when I first saw it, but than I saw a few more people with them this morning, and uggh it was just a big stab to my heart. I couldn't help, but to be hurt all over again. I have a son, but he's not here with me, he doesn't make my life interesting and fun everyday. I never even got the chance to see him smile even once, he makes my life empty and sad a lot of the time because he isn't here with me. He was an absolute blessing in my life even if I only got to hold him for 20 weeks in my womb, and I never got to run my fingers through his hair, and I never got to touch his soft skin, or kiss his little lips. He does make my life worth living for because I know one day I will be with him for an eternity. No, he will never outgrow my lap, because he never had the chance to even sit on it once, but yes he always is and will always be in my heart. I miss my Gabriel so damn much sometimes it hurts.

I should be 4 weeks away from having my baby boy in my arms. I often think of how much prep work we would be doing, how many things we would be getting together, how we should have a new car by now, how the double stroller should be all ready, baby boy clothes hanging in the closet along with Andy's dresses. None of that to do. Such an empty lonely feeling. It's been 3 months, and I swear the pain just seems to be getting worse and worse. I dread April with all I've got in me. I want to sleep right through April. I want April to just disappear. It used to be such a happy month for me, and now it's just another month knowing I should be getting to hold Gabriel, but instead I get to mourn him on the day he was supposed to make his grand entrance. I guess a mother's love only grows no matter the time or distant. I love you and miss you baby.

Home again!

I slept in my very own bed last night for the first time in almost 3 weeks! It was really nice, except for the fact that Andrea woke up at 330 a.m., and couldn't fall back to sleep till almost 6am. We are going to have to work on that big time! I'm a bit tired this morning, but I'll manage through it.

I feel like we came back from a super long vacation. There is clothes all over the dining room, and just a bunch a stuff I had at my moms. You just know that whole vacation feeling, when you got to relax for a few days, but than you come back to more work than when you left. I feel a bit like that. I have to get used to my routine all over again here at home. I'm just glad to be back though.

That's all I've got for now. I'll be back on a regular basis again though, so maybe I'll get back on here later on tonight.