I wrote this post on 11/24. I never got a chance to actually post it because Joaquin got very sick, and we ended up spending 4 days in the hospital.
Anyway, today I am writing because it is November 24th. For the country it's Thanksgiving Day. For me it's 2nd anniversary of the day I lost my precious Gabriel. So many things have happened in the last two years, yet the pain remains the same. I miss him. I miss him a lot. So today I write my baby a letter:
My baby boy:
I miss you. I can't believe it's been 2 years since I last held you in my womb. I would give the world to go back to that moment where you still lived inside of me. I love you, and I'm so thankful to God that I got to be your mom, and that I got to carry you for 20 weeks. I sincerely hope you never felt any pain.
I still remember everything about that dreadful day. The clothes I wore, the weather, the conversations I held. You were supposed to be the big news at Thanksgiving dinner. We would let the family know if you were a boy or a girl. All of Facebook was awaiting for my update. I couldn't do it. It took me hours to get the courage to let the world know that you were gone. I contemplated not updating, but I felt that was unfair to everyone too. Plus, I knew I need every prayer, and word of encouragement I could use. I miss you.
I remember feeling like a lost puppy with no hope for many many weeks. Your big sister was my only hope. She was the sole reason I was able to go on. I know I dont shed nearly as many tears as I used to those first months, but never think I dont miss you. I do. I have never forgotten about you.
Your little brother is a precious little thing. He smiles at me at the right times. I know he isn't you, and you aren't him, but he's such a good boy, I know in his sleep when he smiles it must be you in his dreams playing with him. He knows you, I'm sure before he came down to earth you were best of buds. I miss you so much my baby boy.
It's not fair, I want you here. I shouldn't have to look at your ashes, and have your sister say goodnight to you in our nightly prayers. I should be able to tuck you into bed just like I do her. I love you.
It may have been 2 years since that horrible awful day, but I still hurt for you. A mother's love runs very deep, and I miss you. I often wonder what could've been. Who you would be like, what you would look like. I wish I had the chance to hold you in my arms and kiss your forehead. I wish I could sing you a song, and see your smile. I miss you.
22 years may pass by, but I'll never forget you. I lost some friends, and gained some family over your loss. Taught me so many lessons without ever seeing your precious face. Thank you.
It's Thanksgiving, and as painful as these holidays are without you I still have a lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful for allowing me to be your mom for life, and your guardian for 20 wonderful weeks.
