It's been a long few days

I dont even know where to start or what to say. I dont even think many people knew I was pregnant again. I should be 8 weeks today, but from the looks of it all, I'm miscarrying. I guess I can't believe I'm back on this roller coaster before I even really got off the first time.

We went in last week for our first appt., and the Dr. saw a gestational sac, and a yolk sac, but no baby. I guess we were all hoping that my dates were just all off, but my HCG levels haven't really gone up to much, and this past Tuesday we went in for another ultrasound, and we saw the same thing. I go in next Tuesday for one more final ultrasound to triple make sure there really isn't any baby, and than I have to decide how I wanna go about this. Sometimes I want to wake up, and find out it's all one big huge nightmare. This whole thing, I want to wake up and be 2 weeks away from meeting Gabriel, I want to wake up and at least still be pregnant with this new little one. I have more babies in heaven than I do here on earth. How the heck did that happen??

I guess I've just been thinking a lot about life lately, and how it's so turned out quite different than I had thought it would just 10 years ago. I guess only God really knows what one will become. It's sad, but it's almost like I was much more prepared for this loss. WTF? No mother should ever be prepared to lose their baby. I dont want to be a pro at it.

I guess all I can do now is dust myself off, and try again.