acceptance...

I had my post-op appt. a little over a week ago, and we got the results of the tests that were run to see if there were any answers to why I lost Gabriel. All the tests came back negative. There is no explanation for what happened. There was nothing wrong chromosomal wise, no types of defects, no infection, nothing, nada, zilch. I guess this is supposed to be some kind of comfort, but I'm really struggling to find comfort in that. I feel so paranoid. I dont get it, I had a perfectly normal child growing inside of me, and that wasn't good enough to have him keep growing.

I struggle with this so much because I was already paranoid about the next we do get pregnant. I mean I will never feel the innocence of pregnancy again. Everyday I'm going to wonder if everything is okay with my baby. Dr. Deaver already told me that I can come in every week for the nine months if I want. I will probably take her up on that offer because I'm going to need to know there is a beating heart inside of me a lot more than I used to before. Like I guess I should be glad that there wasn't anything wrong with Gabriel, and I dont have to worry about something being wrong with the next baby, but at the same time it leaves me so empty because I did have a perfectly healthy baby, and that wasn't good enough to make him hang on for 9 months.

It's such a whirlwind when I think of this. All I want is my Gabriel. I never have wanted something so bad, and yet I know that no matter what I do, I will NEVER get him back. I know God knows what He's doing, and I pray everyday for strength to carry on. I thank Him everyday for my little Andy because without her in my life I would be a total disaster. Okay my vent for the day is over.