The aftermath

I had my baby removed from my body on Tuesday December 1st. I said a long goodbye on the night before. Let my baby know how much I loved him, how badly I would miss him, and how I would never forget him.

After the surgery the Dr. told us it was a boy. It was a huge huge loss, but I needed to know the sex of my child. I needed to know exactly who he was. Gabriel was his name. Gabriel was an archangel and a messenger of God. It just seemed so perfect for my little angel. I still hurt so much for Beto because I know how badly he wanted a boy. I feel like my daughter was robbed of a brother, and I just feel empty.

It's been 3weeks and 1 day since we found out Gabriel was no longer beating inside my body, and 2 weeks 1day since he was taken from me. I managed to put myself together, and go to Target yesterday. That is a big deal!! The last time I was at Target was the Sunday before I would have my D&E, and I had to leave. I went in there to buy pads because I knew the inevitable was coming, and it just broke my heart, I passed by the maternity clothes, and it pissed me off, and I had to go buy Andrea diapers and I wanted to grab some infant clothes too, but there was no longer a baby to shop for.

It all sounds so mundane and dumb, but seriously those are the little things that get to me. I'm happy for everyone that is pregnant or just had a baby, and I only wish them the best, but it's hard. I want my Gabriel back in the worse way!!!! Every Sunday I think about how I should be a week further along, but instead it's a week farther from having had Gabriel inside of me.

Christmas is already hard. I know I have to be strong and carry on for Andrea, and I know Im extremely lucky that I have Andrea in my life, but that doesn't take away the fact that I lost a son. I dont know. Somedays are so much better than others. I guess I'll get past this one day, but I know I will never get over it. I will never forget Gabriel, I will never stop wondering what he would be like, and another baby will not make this all better. I will always be shortchanged one child in my life, and my family will no longer ever be complete. My kids will always have a brother they never met in heaven. I will carry him in my heart forever, and I know I will never be the person I was before November 24th, 2009. I miss my son, and I will never take being pregnant for granted ever again.