2010 in Review

I was sitting here reading through my blogs from 2009. My last blog for 2009 was my year in review, and in the end I wrote "I hope next year's review is much better". Well here we are, the end of 2010. Wow! Can't believe this year is coming to an end. Overall, I think it's been a good year, but it's been a year of a lot healing and soul searching. It's been a year of becoming a better human being, a better wife, and a better mother.

2010 started out well. We were still grieving over the loss of Gabe, as a matter of fact we still are, but Beto and I decided that this would be our year, and that it was up to us to make the best of it. We were eating so healthy, and working out like humans are intended to. Lol. I mean we were feeling so good about ourselves, and seeing our bodies transforming was awesome. I was feeling really good about myself, and felt like this was really the year that would change us for good.

We missed Gabriel so much, and knew another child could never replace him, but we still wanted that large family so we decided to go ahead and try again. I got pregnant again rather quickly. Unfortunately for us, our world came crashing down again by our first appointment in mid-march. Baby was measuring 2 weeks behind, and there was no heartbeat. Dr. wanted me to keep coming in each week, but there was never a change. I had my second D&C on Good Friday April 2, 2010. It seemed as though I was losing babies during the holiday's.

That second loss really turned my world upside down. It was a few days before Gabriel's due date, and it just made me question everything. I was really angry, hurt, and confused. I didnt understand why I was having such a hard time keeping a baby. I mean we wanted a big family, and here we were struggling just to have a 2nd take home child. I was pissed off at God because I felt like here we were wanting these kids, and so many people out there have no problem getting rid of theirs.

Gabriel's due date was on April 8th. Beto, Andy, and I took a trip downstate to some of the state parks. It was a beautiful day. Very emotional, and and hard to get through, but I wouldn't have celebrated his day any other way. We will be doing the same thing every year from now on to celebrate his day. Andy and any other children that may come will always know they have a brother in heaven, and that he is just as important to us as they are.

It was with a lot of pain and long sleepless nights that I decided it was best for me to stop watching the kids I was watching. I loved them, and I had a great connection to them, but I knew my heart wasn't in it the way those kids deserved for me to be in it. I needed a break. I fell in a deep dark hole for a while. I needed time to heal, and figure out what I needed from this life. I knew that if I didnt do that for myself I'd never get to where I needed to be.

As the summer approached the sun was starting to shine a bit brighter in my life. My brother was getting married to my best friend of 14 years. I was really excited for them, but there was a few things I needed to get off my chest. I did, and I'm so happy I did. Those are things I've learned from losing Gabe. I dont hold back my feelings as much anymore. I know it's not healthy to bottle everything up. Their wedding was in July, and it was a week of great partying. My family was all here together. I often thought of Gabe through those days, and I missed him. I knew most of my family would've been meeting him for the first time.

The rest of the summer was filled with lots of fun activities for Andy, and just spending time with family and friends. It's a summer I'll never forget, and I vowed to make it the best summer for Andrea. We closed our summer with a trip to Wisconsin Dells. It was some of the best days of my life in a long time. I had so much fun, and it was just very relaxing. My body really needed that getaway.

In September Beto and I celebrated 3 years of marriage. Can't believe all that we've been through in those 3 years. Can't believe how much we've grown, and how much we've learned to just let go. We also were given a very special surprise we hope is meant to be.

Beto went away to Singapore in October for 2 weeks, and than for a week to Mexico shortly after. It was the longest we've been away from each other since I was in college. That experience did a lot for us too. I think it helped us appreciate each other more, and I know I can't live without him.

The one year anniversary of losing Gabriel came. I can't believe that it's been an entire year. I wonder everyday what would've been, but I also know what is. The holidays are never easy, but this year had a different tone than last years. I will always miss my son, and I will never forget him.

Overall, this year brought a lot of smiles to our face. Andrea is the light of my life. She learned how to talk this year. Her speech therapy has done wonders, and she cracks me up everyday. I love watching her grow, and even through the tantrums I wouldn't change watching her grow up everyday for the life of me.

As this year comes to a close, I've got many hopes and dreams for 2011. 2010 was a year for me to heal, and learn how to live without Gabriel. I hope for 2011 to be a year of continuing to watch Andrea grow, and just bring lots of smiles to our face. I hope that 2011 gives us another take home baby, and that our financial situation finally comes full circle. I hope to participate in the March of Dimes walk again. I hope to give more of myself to those that I love most. I hope to continue to grow closer to God, and just be a better human being. Another year, more hopes and dreams. Here's to a better 2011 for all of us.

Another Christmas without you

Christmas is only 2 days away. The holidays will always be a bittersweet time for me. We lost Gabe during the holidays, and it's always painful to know he isn't here with us, but it's Christmas, and the family gatherings and watching our daughter is always helpful.

This would've been Gabe's first Christmas with us. He would be 8 months old. I often pass by the baby section at the stores, and now that I see all the cute outfits, I wonder which one I would have picked out for him. He would also have "my 1st Christmas" outfit on. It's all these things I guess you ponder on on your own. It's like the lights are just a bit dimmer than what they were before we lost him, but they aren't completely shut off cause he's everywhere.

There's a song in Spanish by Marco Antonio Solis called "Otra Navidad sin ti", translated "Another Christmas without you". I often listen to it during this time, and I guess it just brings comfort in some ways.

I have so many things to be thankful for this year, but my boy not being here will always be something I'll miss.

A year without you

365 days, 52 weeks, 1 whole year. That's how long it's been since the day my world fell apart, came crashing down, and our lives were forever changed. I miss you just as much as the day we got the news. I remember November 24th, 2009 as clearly as if it was today. I can literally still repeat everyone of my steps that day. I can tell you what I was wearing, what time I was doing what, and what I said to the people I held conversations with that day. I remember that nervous feeling, but not because I was worried something was wrong, but rather because we would find out if Andrea would have a sister or a brother. We would get to announce the baby's sex at the dinner table two days later at Thanksgiving. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would go through the motion of eating during Thanksgiving at my mom's just so that nobody would say anything about me not eating, and telling me it was gonna be okay. It wasn't okay, a mother isn't supposed to see their baby die.

A lot has happened since that cold rainy day. I remember coming home from the doctors office. It was the longest car ride ever. It started to rain hard at one point, and I remember that rain not being enough to keep up with the tears I was crying inside and out. A feeling of just wanting to go under a rock and never see anybody ever again. Your life is shattered into a million little pieces, it almost became so meaningless. Nothing mattered, but yet everything still mattered. I still had a little girl to live for, I still had another baby to give my world to. I think that's got to be one of the hardest things. You love both your children so much, one was just ripped from you, and the other needs you more than ever. Looking back, I dont know if I would have made it out of this alive if it weren't for Andrea.

I think of Gabriel every single day. The tears dont flow from my eyes everyday anymore like they did the first few months, but my heart is always constantly crying for him. I wake up each morning to the only pictures we have of him, ultrasound pics. His tiny little ashes right next to the picture. He's here at home with us, and will be until one of us is called home. He's everywhere I go. He's in the tiniest of snowflakes in the winter, in every drop of rain, he's right there in the beautiful garden of flowers, he's that sun that keeps me warm.

Today Gabriel would be 7 months old. It's hard seeing baby boys not to far from that age. It's hard to not imagine what he would be like. All the things Andrea and him would start doing together. It's hard to not think what my life would be like with a 2 and half year old, and a 7 month old. Who's smile would he have. What would he grow up to be? Those are all questions I will never have the answer to, but I've slowly learned to accept that. I've learned that I've got something more special than that, I have a child that was far to beautiful for this earth. God had greater plans for him. It hasn't been the easiest thing to learn, and I still struggle many days, but it makes more sense each day.

Losing Gabriel changed who I am. I can't lie, I'm far from the person I was before 1:30Pm 11/24/09. I have learned to be gentler, be more appreciative, not let the little things get to me as easily. I've learned to be more patient, I've learned that spending quality time with my daughter is far more important than making sure the dishes are always clean. My marriage is much stronger, and I love and appreciate my husband so much more. Most importantly I lean on God more than ever. I know I made it out of this because of the prayers my mom said for me, because of the prayers my family and friends said for us.

I also have learned who I can count on, and who will be there holding my hand when things go bad in life. Ive learned to say no sometimes, and Ive learned that its ok to give myself a break, and just worry about me every now and than. Ive learned that if people cant accept that, than maybe they arent really friends. All this a tiny little boy I held in my womb for 20 weeks taught me.

Today I would do anything in this life to hold Gabriel in my arms, even if just for a minute. I dont know what it's like to look a son in his eyes, but I'm confident that one day I will, and while that other son wont be Gabe, he will have a piece of him in him.

Thanks to all those that sent cards, flowers, prayed for us, or just sat quietly thinking of us during the hardest time of our life a year ago. Please pray for us again today and throughout this holiday season as it is still a struggle especially during this time.

Thanksgiving week

It's here again. It snuck up on me this year, and I've got such mixed emotions about it. This week will also mark the one year anniversary of learning that Gabriel was no longer with us. Thanksgiving was non-existent to me last year. I wanted to just hide under a rock, and never come out. This year I have a million things to be thankful for, but I still miss my baby, and just the thought of him being gone for a year already breaks my heart all over again. I hope to have a lot more smiles this year at the Thanksgiving table, but I know he will always be a beautiful memory in the back of my head. We shall see how this week treats us.

I never forgot you

7pm CST came and went, and I remembered you just like I remember you everyday. I had "Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon playing cause that's what you will always be to me. My beautiful little boy that I never got to hold in my arms, but forever will hold in my heart.

It'll soon be a whole year since we lost you. I can only dream and imagine what you would have been. How beautiful life would be with you here with us. I miss you so much Gabriel. I dont cry for days at a time like I did at the beginning, but you are never far from my thoughts. We've started to move on with our lives, but we will never get over your loss. You will always be my first son, and you will always be my 2nd child. No matter how many more come after you, you will always be my 2nd child. Thanks for being a part of me even if it was only for a short while.

"Beautiful Boy"
Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.

What it means to me.

Pregnancy and Infant loss day is tomorrow. A year ago, I never imagined the day would hit so close to home. I remember learning about pregnancy loss day just last year, and while I did take the time out to remember those babies, I dont think I really understood the pain those mothers were going through.

I was about 15 weeks pregnant with Gabriel last October 15th. Everything had been going so perfect, and I was just prepping to have two kids under 2. I never in my mind imagined that a year later I'd be grieving the loss of two babies. I never thought I'd be a part of the club no mother should ever be a part of.

On October 15th, 2010 I ask you to take the time out at 7pm to light a candle or at least take a minute to remember all the babies that are lost each year. If you dont know anyone personally that has had a pregnancy loss or an infant loss, remember Gabriel. He was my boy, my son, and he was very real to both Beto and I. He will always be very real to us. I had the chance to feel him kick inside of me a time or two before he passed away. We had hopes and dreams for him just like any parent does for their living children. He was our daughters baby brother, and together they were going to make our life even more complete.

It's time for miscarriages, still births, and infant losses to stop being so silent. It's amazing how many women shared with me that they too had lost a baby when I went public with my loss. It's a personal choice to share your loss with the world, but I dont ever want a mother to feel like she's alone in this painful process. I dont want any mother to feel like they have to deal with this pain silently and alone. No mother should feel they should be over their loss by a certain time.

I know it's hard to understand somebody's loss because you never actually got to see or hold the baby, you never got to stare into their eyes, or see them smile, but these babies are just as real to their mothers regardless of having been 5 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant. The loss is just as real and painful.

Please take the time to remember these losses on October 15th of every year.

much of nothing

Not a whole lot going on here recently. It's been a quiet week after our vacation last week. I've been trying to get back in the rhythm of running again. It's been a total off week as far as my endurance and capability to kick ass out there. It hasn't been a kick ass week, but I'm just glad I've had enough in me to just push myself to go out there and run to keep it as together as I can.

I've realize that as much as I miss my Sammy boy (our dog), not having him around has forced me to pay a lot more attention to Kramer. I feel like a bad owner for even admitting that, but I think I relied on the fact that they had each other too much. Now I feel bad cause I know if I dont walk him or whatever he's on his own pretty much with no physical activity. As a snowball effect that in turn pushes me to go out there and run. He and I both needed it. I just haven't really had the "umph" to this week. However, I'm just really proud at this point that I've gotten my butt up and have done it, and dont just fall way behind.

I know that if I stop or give myself a break it will be even harder to get back in the groove. That's how it always happens. You give yourself an off week, and it's hard as heck to get back into, and before you know it's been 3 months since you last worked out. I'm done with that. I'm done with letting myself go. I'm done with being overweight. I want to kick these pounds once and for all. I need to, for my sake, for the sake of my kid, and for the sake of God willing any other future children.

I think I'm done for tonight. I kinda feel like I mini-vented. LOL.

Old Pics

I was organizing some pictures for the BFF from her bachelorette party, and I started going through Andrea's old pics from when she was just a month or two old. Brought back so many happy memories. Short days and sleepless nights, where everything was still so new, and you weren't exactly sure of the decisions you were making, but yet they felt right. When you wondered what life would be like in a year or two, and you were so in love with your little one, and you just had the rest of your life so planned out, and never figured it would go so wrong.

I love Andrea with all that I have and more, and I thank God for her everyday, but looking at her baby pictures brought back a lot of feelings that I never thought I'd ever feel. I wondered if Gabriel would have looked like her, I wondered if I would ever hold a baby of my own that small and innocent. I almost have forgotten what it feels like to have such a small one at home. People look at Andrea and say how cute she is, but there is something about babies that people go gaga over. They are new and tiny, and I want that back when I look at those pictures. I want that feeling back of holding something so small that I made all over again. As afraid as I am to try again, the itch keeps coming back when I see pictures like that.

Milestones

A year ago today I was on cloud 9. I remember the day like it was just yesterday. It was a beautiful 85 degree sunny day, and my daughter had just turned 13 months. She was on verge of walking (she would eventually take her first real steps 3 days later). I was also a day late on my cycle, and I knew the possibility of being pregnant was there, but I didnt have my hopes up because we had been trying for several months with no luck.

I figured I had nothing to lose, and I needed to go out for a walk anyway, so I strapped Andy up in the stroller and off we went to CVS. I think I ran home just shttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=8264972486769541492o I could test. Lol. I put Andy down in the bathroom, and I felt like it was the longest minute of my life waiting back for the result. To my surprise it was a big fat positive. OMG!! I told Andrea she was going to be a big sister, and we did a happy dance. I got myself together and called Beto at work. He couldn't say much, but I could hear him smiling.

Just like that, in an instant, you fall in love, you start having hopes and dreams, you start wondering, and getting nervous. You make plans, your world changes all over again. All with a stick that has two pink lines on it, but you know it's so much more than just a stick. It's a human being growing inside of you. It's love, it's indescribable.

I started to wonder immediately what life would be like in 9 short months with a 20 month old, and a newborn. I would be due in April. Perfect timing. I wondering if Andrea would have a little sister and they would be close as can be, or if she would have a brother, and teach him the way. I wondered if she would be jealous or love her new big sister role. I wondered how I would handle two under two each day by myself. I knew I could do it, but I knew there would be a major adjustment.

The only thing I never in my dreams imagined is that a year after getting that positive pregnancy test I wouldn't have a baby in my arms. Crazy how all those dreams came crashing down so fast 20 weeks after that positive test.

Feeling good.

It's been a long time since I've felt this good about myself. I started out the year really well with the working out, but when I got pregnant again, and lost the 2nd baby it all kind of went to hell. I knew I had to get myself back up, but it's been hard to find the motivation. I started couch to 5k about a month ago, and man what a difference each week makes. I love it. I can actually run for longer than 30 seconds. lol. I feel my body just transforming each week.

I still need to get back into watching my diet, and I need to workout more than just the couch to 5k training, but I feel like it's a start for now, and with each week that passes by I feel the motivation to really go back and hit those hardcore workouts again is coming back. I know I need this for myself and for my spirit. It does something to me every time I do something I didnt think I could.

I hope to really pick up on the workouts as soon as we get back from the Dell's. I enjoy being out there with just my dog and pushing him. I get to reflect on the day, and its my Gabriel and I time. i think of him, and how things would be if he were here, and I just keep asking him to keep me going each day. His sister is testing my patience everyday, but I know she's worth every tear drop and every tantrum. Lol. I just tell Gabe to send me all the patience I can get, and to tell his big sister to take it easy on me.

New Milestone

My child is now 2 years old, and while she has met many milestones I"m so proud of, I must admit that potty training is got to be one of the best! She figured it out in a total of one day. It was probably the most stressful, but yet most rewarding day at home with her.

I put undies on her on Monday, and kinda just let her see what she would do. She has had a potty seat since December, and has sat on it many times, but never really used it. She knew very well what it was for, but she never cared to actually pee in it. Monday was a big fail. She peed on the floor 8 times. I felt frustrated and perhaps was ready to throw in the towel, and just give it a break, but I was determined damn it. LOL.

On Tuesday I put her in undies again, but instead of asking her if she had to pee, I simply kept telling her to let me know when she had to pee. Low and behold about 30 minutes after reminding her every 5 minutes, she did it. She told me she had to pee, and went to the potty!! I praised her so so so so much, and she's never looked back again. Seriously she has had one accident since Tuesday morning, and it was on her way to the potty. She just didnt make it on time.

I know that she may regress or have a few accidents here and there, but really I think she enjoys all the praise she gets when she goes that she tries her best to make it each time. I think I'm so proud of this accomplishment because it's something I had to really teach her, but at the same time have her figure out at the same time. She's my big girl now, and I can't wait to see what other wonderful things she does in this life.

Wondering what it would be like

I don't normally like thinking that way, but sometimes it's hard to not go that route. The family that lives 2 doors from us just had a baby. It makes things a bit easier knowing it's a girl, but it still sucks. This couple married a month before us, had a little girl a month after us, and well they just got their second baby. It's crazy all the similarities yet our 2nd baby is not here with us. They get to figure out 2 small children out, they get to have sleepless nights while having to deal with a toddler during the day, they get to change diapers and clean up toddler messes. I'd give the world to do that.

I just get so mad sometimes that I was robbed of that chance. No matter what happens now, the dream is dashed. My daughter will be 3 the next time she has a baby brother/sister. 3 is so different than 2. I mean it'll still be nice, and a great blessing, but the challenges will be so different. God it's so hard not to wonder what things would be like.

I love you always Gabe.

Kramer

Couch to 5k is my newest and greatest endeavor. I just started last week, but I like it so far. I have always wanted to be a runner, but never got my ass up and did it. I decided that this time enough was enough, and I was gonna push myself to become one somehow.

I read many great reviews on the couch to 5k and figured why not me. Running sets me free, and I just feel like it's just the world and I when I'm doing it. I have decided that my overweight 7 year old yellow lab is going to train with me. LOL. He is on day 2, and has done such a good job. I'm falling in love all over again with Kramer. I have always loved him, but I will be honest that in the last few years he had become more of a nuisance rather than a fond family pet.

We have many great memories with him, and I love him very much, but life had just gotten to busy for him. I know it sounds mean, and I sound like an awful pet owner, but I'm being honest. I dont think he was getting what he deserved. I've kind of found renewed my love for him recently, and I want to make the second half of his life the best it could be. He's a gentle beast and puts up with a lot of Andrea's crap. I too want her to grow up with him, and fall in love with him like I did. He's a loyal friend that has been there for me through all of my up and downs.

When I lost Gabriel I spent a lot of time crying with him right by my side. The least I can do is get him into shape and have a fruitful second half.

Still here

So I said I was going to go back to blogging back in June, and I failed to do so. :( Life is so much busier in the summer months. Been bike riding a lot with Andy, taking her to different camps and activities. It's been quite the summer so far, and it's not over yet.

My brother's wedding was awesome, and the entire week leading up to it was definitely one of the most fun in my entire life. Spending all the time we did with my entire family was just what my heart needed. It was exhausting, but worth every second.

This summer is totally becoming what I had wanted it to. It's all about my Andy, and making sure she's enjoying herself to the fullest. I wanted to spend as much quality time with her as I can.

We are unsure of when we will try for another baby still. We are both very afraid of going through all the pain all over again. Two times has been more than enough for me, and I dont know what a 3rd loss would do to me. I lost the itch for another baby for a while, but now I feel it coming back which is kind of exciting, but at the same time very nerve wrecking. I guess I can only leave it up to God to let me know when the time is right.

Gabriel has been on my mind a lot of course, and I can't believe it's been so long since he went away. He would have been almost 4 months old. Wow! What would my baby have been like? I can only imagine I guess.

I miss you

I miss you like crazy right now Gabe. I didnt think summer would be such a difficult time. As busy as I have been these last few weeks, I miss you more and more through all the chaos. I want you to be part of all these events, of all these good times. I want my chaos to be figuring out how to handle two kids under 2. It breaks my heart to watch your sister get so excited around babies, and I can only imagine how she would be around you. I love you so much, and I will never forget you.

Busy

I guess summer weather automatically means you are so booked from the minute you wake up until the minute you go to bed.

I want to keep up with blog like I was at the beginning so bad, but seriously I'm hardly ever by the computer anymore. Spending most of my days outside with Andrea and doing stuff for my brother's wedding. It's less than a month away, and I need to get my stuff together to fit into the dress. Lol. I really do.

Things have been great so far this summer, and I can't wait for Andy to start her classes at the park. Her speech therapy has really helped her a lot, and she's making so many sounds, and trying so hard to say a few new words. I can't believe my little baby is going to be 2 next month. Time just flies to quickly.

As far as my Gabe goes, I miss him so freaking much. Somedays are good and other days I'm just miserable. Somethings bother me on some days, and other days I deal with them as best as I can. Summer is really hard I guess cause I see so many newborn babies, and so many expectant mothers. I'm really happy for those moms, but a piece of me feels immense jealousy. I want my baby so bad I could scream. I miss him so much.

I would do anything in this life just to have him back for a moment. So many things going on this summer, and I really wish he was here with us to be a part of those events. I keep thinking of my brother's wedding, and I just think it'll be so difficult for me to make it through that. Family events seem to hurt more than anything.

Ugly Shoes

I got this from the message board I frequent:

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

I think I'm back

So MUCH going on in this crazy life lately, but I need to come back to writing on this blog regularly. I miss my little oasis where I can scream at the world without anyone really hearing how loud I'm being.

My brother is getting married in early July, and I'm the matron of honor so I've been planning bridal showers, bach. parties, and all the fun stuff that comes with weddings. A lot has been going on, and a lot still needs to be resolved.

The weather is finally getting nice out so that's kept Andy and I pretty busy during the days. As my brothers wedding nears I think of my little Gabriel more and more. I should be stressing out about how I'm going to find time to breastfeed him while standing up in the wedding. We have a ton of out of town family coming to town, and they all should be meeting my baby, but instead they either will say nothing or will be giving me their condolences. So that's been weighing heavy on my mind.

I also have a dress to fit into and that's not working out so well. I've been working out like crazy these last few weeks trying to get my butt in gear. I let myself go after my 2nd loss, and I'm paying a very hefty price for it. I've got to get myself together big time. There is only 5 weeks left!! I hope I can pull something off.

The end of an era

The pacifier is no longer a part of our home. The pacifier was officially laid to rest this evening, and will NOT be coming again until there is, God willing, another little baby in our lives. For the last few weeks I had slowly weaned the paci from Andy during the day. Someday's it went really well, and other times it was just a complete nightmare. For whatever reason this week she just seemed to do really well without it during the day. She didn't seem to be asking for it nearly as much, and she was going really long stretches during the day without even remembering about it.

I decided it was time to completely get rid of it yesterday. As you guys probably know she has been battling ear infections on and off now for about 6 months. This is not typical just because for the first 15 months of her life she had no ear infections. I ended up taking her to a chiropractor yesterday, and I'm so happy I did. He told me some things I already knew, but I just never had really paid attention to. One of his main points was that she shouldn't be sleeping with the paci cause that can cause inflammation in her ears. So I took the plunge today, and I chopped the tip off of it, and when she asked for it I handed to her. She took it, and when she couldn't get a grip, she just looked at it, and tossed it. I think she was ready to move on too. :)

On to the next phase, POTTY TRAINING! That's gonna be at her pace though.

Mother's Day

I'm blessed enough to have my little Andrea here to to celebrate Mother's Day with, blessed enough to have 2 mom's here on earth that I love dearly, blessed enough to have a mother-in-law here on earth that has been nothing but good to me, and blessed enough to have some amazing aunts here on earth. I thank God for that, but unfortunately this year as happy as I am, there is a void in my heart, and I think it will be there for the rest of my life. I'm a mom to 3 children, and only one gets to be here with me.

I'm glad I have Andrea, and that people will still acknowledge me as a mom cause I have her, but I'm a mom to 3 babies, and I dont want the world to forget. If you know someone that has no kids here on earth, but has babies in heaven, please dont forget to acknowledge them as mom's too. They are mommy's to babies in Heaven. They love and think about their babies just as much as a mom does with her children here. They had to be brave enough to let their babies live far away from them, but yet they know their babies are well taken care of. To all mom's with Angel babies, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I have my 3 kiddo's that I will never stop loving. Andrea is my world, Gabriel is my reason, Baby C is my purpose, and any other babies I may have will always be my hope.

IPOD

Hubby got me an IPOD about 3 weeks ago. This thing has been a blessing and a curse!! I lost my IPOD with over 3,500 songs in it about 2 years ago. It still hurts to say that, but now I've got a 64g IPOD touch that I'm so in love with. I've got about half of my music back, and have been working every single night trying to get the rest back on to my new IPOD. This thing is super addicting.

I recently discovered Words with Friends. OMG I can't seem to stop playing it! Uggh. LOL. At least I have to use my brain for it.

So that's what's been keeping me busy lately aside from my almost 2 year old running all over the place. :)

Events

Last Saturday we went to my cousin's 1st Communion, today we went to my nephew's 1st Communion, and in the following weeks we have a few other big events. I'm so happy for each and every person, but I can't help and wonder what it would be like for Gabriel to one day be celebrating these events in his life.

I wonder what he would look like in his tux in a church full of little boys and girls getting ready to receive Jesus for the first time, I wonder what he would like a graduation gown receiving his college diploma, what it would feel like seeing my son marry his dream girl. None of this can ever be answered.

I miss you more and more each day. I want to breathe again, I want to smile all the way again, but i know I can't, and I know I never will. A piece of me is gone forever, and I would do anything to get it back, but all I can do now is figure out how to make this my new normal.

When?

When will the sadness subside? When will I stop counting down the days? When will I ever be 100% happy again? Is that even possible?

I miss him and I want him back. I just want to scream so loud at times. I feel like I can't breathe sometimes, and this world is just turning, and I'm at a standstill. I look at my Andy, and she keeps me going everyday, but I wish so bad I could have given her that baby brother. When she hugs and loves on other babies, it just tears at my heart.

Why? Why couldn't he have just stayed? I would do anything to just hold him in my arms one time, and give him a hug and a kiss just once.

March for babies walk

So it finally came. Yesterday we did the March of Dimes walk. It was a wet walk, but it was worth every single step!!! I felt so happy crossing that finish line. I knew Gabriel was with us the whole time, and I'm just glad I was able to do something in hopes that one day no parent ever has to lose their child. I can't wait to do it again next year!

I want to take this time to thank all the walkers that joined us, and to all that donated! We ended up meeting our goal of $500 the night before the walk. I'm already starting to plan next year's walk, and will be raising my goal to $1,000.

At the end of the walk a mom from our support group ran into us, and we gave each other a huge hug. She is a very inspiring lady to me, and I think of her a lot when I start getting sad. She's got so much strength, and her story is devastating, but she manages to make the best of life. She is really an inspiration to all.

Life has been very busy, and I haven't been able to keep up with my blog as much as I want/need to, but I'm trying to get back on here on the regular again.

blog hiatus

I can't believe I went an entire week without blogging. I missed my little page, but things have gotten so hectic around here that I just never had the time to sit down at night, and keep up. Andrea has had issues going to bed, and staying asleep. I'm not sure if she needs to have a later bedtime or she is going through a phase. Honestly, for my sanity and evening pleasure, I hope she is going through a phase. I like to have those 2 hours before my bedtime to my hubby and I. It really helps prepare for the next day.

Gabriel would have been 10 days old today, and today was my original due date. It doesn't hurt so much to know today would have been my original due date as it hurts to know he would have been 10 days old. I wish I was struggling with sleep, breastfeeding, and just being on a high of having a new baby in my arms. At last it just for whatever reason wasn't meant to be. I just hope he's out there having the time of his life in heaven.

Speaking of my boy, I made some very drastic decisions. I realized that I need a break from a lot of things, and we need to control of the things we can. I can't share those changes completely yet, but once they are finalized they will come out on here. I'm very at peace and happy with these decisions, and I look forward to what the future holds for my family.

Now more than ever!

I dont know if I'm more sad now over the loss of Gabriel or back when we first found out. I find myself thinking of him more and more. First it was knowing the day he should be here was coming, and now that his day has come and gone I feel like I'm drowning. I wonder each and every minute of my day what it would feel like to hold a newborn baby boy in my arms. I wonder what we would be doing with him at this precise moment. I wonder if he would have as much hair as Andrea did. I wonder if he would be just as good of a sleeper as she was.

I feel like I'm suffocating because I want him so bad more than ever. I want the excitement of bringing home a new baby in my life. I want to see how Andy does with a new baby. I want to manage having two kids under two. I want Gabriel so freaking bad, and I hate that I can't have him. It's starting to drive me absolutely insane to know he should be here, and he's not. I'm starting to feel real pissed off that he won't be at my niece's birthday party next week, he won't be at my cousin's first communion in two weeks, he wont be at my brother's wedding this summer. I never thought I'd be right back where I was all over again.

I don't want another baby, I want the one I had, I know I have a beautiful daughter to be so thankful for, but I want her to know Gabriel so bad. God I never thought this would be hard. I constantly think about how old he would be now, and what he would be doing. I'd most likely be bringing home tomorrow.

I just feel like I dont know how I'm going to crawl out of bed everyday, but I know I have my Andy to live for.

The Big Day

Gabriel's big day came and went. I wanted to write last night, but we were gone ALL day, and by the time I made it back in, I was so exhausted. Where do I even begin? Beto surprised me on Wednesday. He had called in the parents of my both the kids I babysit, and told them I was unable to watch them on Thursday, and than he planned a day trip to downstate Illinois.

We left the house about 5:30 A.M., and made it to Peoria by about 8:15ish. We grabbed a bite to eat, and head to the Wildlife Prairie. It was a beautiful sunny day out in Peoria. Andrea had a great time walking around the forest, and seeing some animals. I felt really at peace, and being so in touch with nature made me feel very in touch with Gabriel. I felt him all around.

We headed out to Starved Rock about noonish, and that was amazing!!! I can't wait to go visit during the summer for a weekend. Wow! It's a great scenery. We hiked some trails for a bit, and finally found the perfect spot. There was a lake looking down, we were on top of some rocks, and you can just see another cliff on the other side. The sound of the water was very calming. It was quite cloudy out by this time, and it looked like it may rain. We just stood there in silence for a few minutes. Andrea was very intrigued by the whole thing, and she was silently looking around too. I knew that was Gabe's place. That's where we would come remember him every year. It was so perfect. There were tears flowing down our faces, and we missed our son really bad. Just as Beto and I held each other, a small glimmer of sun broke through the clouds. We knew it was Gabe letting us know he was there.

It was a very emotional day. I thought about him a lot while we were driving. I wondered what it would have been like if we were in a hospital room holding him instead of being out in the country. I wondered why it just wasn't meant to be. I wished so bad I was holding my newborn son. At the end of the day though this is our reality, and all we can do is talk to him wherever we are.

I can't thank Beto enough for planning this very special day for us. Andrea enjoyed herself very much, and it was exactly what I needed.

Til we meet again Gabriel! See you at Starved Rock again next April 8th.

tomorrow

Wow! Tomorrow is April 8th, 2010. Gabriel would have been born tomorrow. I can't believe he's been gone for as long as I carried him. I gave Andrea an extra long kiss good night just like I would have if tonight would have worked out the way it was supposed to. I told her I loved her very much, and to sleep tight. How I wish I could tell her I'd be bringing her a sweet baby boy home. She would have been at grandma's house, and I would probably be doing some crazy last minute cleaning up or something.

We are going to go downstate for a few hours, and just spend the day as a family. We plan to make it a tradition every year. Tomorrow is Gabriel's day, and it will always be his day. Beto has the whole day planned out, and I'm so thankful for that. I just hope that the day passes by as best it can.

I survived

Yet another D &C. I came and went. I must say this one was a lot smoother than the first. I let them know I had awful nausea and dizziness the first time around, and they gave me meds beforehand. That did wonders for me. I was also much less crampy and stuff this time. So at least that part was easier. Now it's the real hard part, the emotional part, the trying to move forward part, the what to do next part.

It's been especially difficult with it having been Easter, and now being the week Gabe would be coming home. All I kept thinking about was how big of a freaking belly I should have right now, how I should barely be able to keep up with Andrea. How we are supposed to be getting prepared for a new baby. I keep thinking how at the very least I should be 10 weeks pregnant. I'm neither of those, and it stings like a freaking bee over and over.

I turned the page

It is April 1st, 2010. We have a family calendar hanging on the kitchen wall. I look at it everyday. Each month is dedicated to a different household on my husband's side of the family. We requested April this year. It is Gabriel's month. He would have been born on April 8th, 2010. I would have a scheduled c-section, and it had to be 10 days before my actual due date, so that was going to be his official birthdate. I felt so odd picking a day for my baby to be born, but I liked Thursday April 8th. I like the number 8 a lot. My cousin Jordan was 8 when he passed away, 8 was his baseball number, his momma put a green shirt with the #8 on it when they pulled the plug on him, my birthday is on July 8th, my brother's is October 8th, Andy's birthday is the day after July 8th :). It just made perfect sense to me.

Anyway, I turned the page on the calendar, and I knew exactly what was coming, a picture of Gabriel's first ultrasound, 2 beautiful quotes, a family pic, and a slide of Andrea's silliest faces. Whoa! It just hit me like a ton of bricks. It's such a bittersweet feeling to see this month's pictures. I wondered if everybody else that has this family calendar turned the page today, and understood my pain. I wonder if anybody said a prayer for us. I wonder what it would be like to not have a picture of my son's ultrasound on there because he was coming home in 7 days. God when did my life get flipped around?

I really thought I was doing better, and I think I really was until I lost yet another pregnancy. The fact that I'm having a d&c 5 days before Gabriel's should be birthday does not help things at all. I mean I shouldn't have to go into the hospital until next week, and it's to bring a baby home, not to have another one removed from my body. I feel like I'm right back to where I was on December 1st.

It's official

It's been an entire week since I blogged. I guess I've just been super busy, and beat by the end of the day. I went in for one last ultrasound yesterday to confirm there was no growth. I dont know, but I guess a part of me was hoping for a miracle. I didn't tell myself that everything was going to be fine because I already knew that everything wasn't going to be fine, but a part of me wished for some crazy miracle.

I'm doing a bit better than I thought I would, but I feel like I haven't really been able to process it until I go in for my d&c on Friday. Seems like I'm stuck losing my babies during holidays. Have I become a pro at this? I mean it's only been 2 times, and I pray to God, it's not anymore, but I guess I'm used to the routine at this point. I didn't need a dr. telling me what to expect. I know exactly what happens, I know exactly how I will feel. This makes me so sad. I shouldn't know what all this is like.

Gabriel would have have been born next Thursday. Wow! Can't believe it. I just wonder how things would be right now. I'd be as big as a house, and the thought of little boy clothes all over the house kinda gives me shivers. I dont know what it's like to care for a boy, but I know exactly what it's like to love a son. How I wish things were so different. I love and miss him more and more.

If you are reading this, please say a prayer on Friday. I'll need it.

It's been a long few days

I dont even know where to start or what to say. I dont even think many people knew I was pregnant again. I should be 8 weeks today, but from the looks of it all, I'm miscarrying. I guess I can't believe I'm back on this roller coaster before I even really got off the first time.

We went in last week for our first appt., and the Dr. saw a gestational sac, and a yolk sac, but no baby. I guess we were all hoping that my dates were just all off, but my HCG levels haven't really gone up to much, and this past Tuesday we went in for another ultrasound, and we saw the same thing. I go in next Tuesday for one more final ultrasound to triple make sure there really isn't any baby, and than I have to decide how I wanna go about this. Sometimes I want to wake up, and find out it's all one big huge nightmare. This whole thing, I want to wake up and be 2 weeks away from meeting Gabriel, I want to wake up and at least still be pregnant with this new little one. I have more babies in heaven than I do here on earth. How the heck did that happen??

I guess I've just been thinking a lot about life lately, and how it's so turned out quite different than I had thought it would just 10 years ago. I guess only God really knows what one will become. It's sad, but it's almost like I was much more prepared for this loss. WTF? No mother should ever be prepared to lose their baby. I dont want to be a pro at it.

I guess all I can do now is dust myself off, and try again.

It's Sunday

I dont have much to share today. Just went to church, and had brunch with Beto's side of the family. I'm feeling really full and tired right now. There are a lot of things going on in my mind right now. Somedays are so much better than others. My due date is getting closer and closer, and that is becoming really hard for me. More and more I wish Gabriel was here with us. I feel a lot of sadness that he isn't here with us. I feel really sad that his should be birthday is going to come and go, and there isn't going to be anything to celebrate. I wish that I had to figure out the babysitting situation for Andrea while I'm in the hospital, I wish we had to worry about the dogs being let out and fed, I wish we had to worry about sleeping arrangements once Gabriel got home. I wish we had to worry about how we are going to manage financially. Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and hope that it was all just an ugly nightmare, but with each day that passes it becomes more and more of a reality.

I hate seeing how excited Andrea gets around little babies. How much love she would have for Gabriel. I want the challenge of having 2 kids under 2. Gotta keep asking God for peace in my life.

"Un dia a la vez"!

Our day out

I dont know who needed the day out more, Andrea or me. I know she had a blast on the train, and at Beto's office. She enjoyed the day very much, and I'm really glad I got out with her like I did today. I really needed that day out with her. I'm definitely looking forward to this summer, and just being out and about with her. I'm so exhausted so I'm going to keep it short. Here are a few photos from today.

Spring break.

Or as close as I can get to it right now. I'm these next few days from babysitting. Today is a GORGEOUS day in the greatest city in the world, and I'm going to enjoy it with Andrea today. I'm really looking forward to just spending the whole day with her outside. She will be taking her first bus and train ride, and we will explore downtown together. We're meeting Beto up for lunch, and see what else we can do.

I've gotta stop by my doctor's office, and have some blood drawn. There are some concerns, but I'll elaborate on those later on. Today I just need to enjoy this day with my girl, and soak in the scenery. I'll post about how the day went later on today.

When do I think of you?

I think of you when the rays of sun beam through the window in the morning.
I think of you when the rain slowly hits the windowsill.
I think of you when I see all the snowflakes coming down.
I think of you when I see other little boys.
I think of you when I look at your sister play with other children.
I think of you when I see a big sister, and little brother.
I think of you when I'm in the shower and it's just my thoughts and I.
I think of you when your daddy is holding your sister.
I think of you when I see little boys' clothes at the store.
I think of you when I think of the future.
I think of you when I think of the past.
I think of you when I feel like the world is going to swallow me in.
I think of you when a song comes on.
I think of you when I say my daily prayers.
I think of you each and every minute of each and every hour.
I think of you when I lay me down to sleep.
I think of you in my dreams.
I think of you whenever I breathe.

I miss you with every fiber in my body.
I thank God for those precious 20 weeks.
I love you to infinity and beyond. :)

Under the weather

I haven't been on to blog much this week. I started with a sore throat last Friday that was on and off throughout the weekend. By Monday I felt better during the day, but at night I woke up a million times with a runny nose, and just felt achy. It's been like that all week. I feel perfectly fine throughout the whole day, and about 7pm, I just feel like I'm going to fall over. I think I've been asleep everyday before 930pm or even earlier. It's almost one of those things where I either want to just get really sick, and feel better in a few days, or just not be sick at all anymore. Of course I prefer the latter :).

Anyway, so that's what has been going on this week. It's Thursday today. Almost the weekend. No plans for this weekend, but that's okay. Hopefully it doesn't rain the entire weekend like is forcasted so that I can take Andy out for a bit, and get some fresh air. I'm just thankful to God the nicer weather is upon us.

March 8th

Wow, it is March 8th, 2010. Exactly one month from today my c-section would have been scheduled, and I would have finally held little Gabriel in my arms. I can't believe that I'd be exactly one month from delivering him. How I wish that was my reality, but I must continue to learn to live with what reality really is, and it's learning to live without Gabriel.

I've recently started following the story of Layla Grace. Layla is a beautiful two year old little girl that is suffering from cancer. She is currently at home with her parents, and is not doing well at all. Anytime I hear of a child with cancer, my heart breaks for more than the obvious reason. It just sucks to know that yet another family has to live through such a nightmare the way mine did 10 years ago. Sometimes I ask God why children can't be protected from that horrible disease. Layla Grace will probably not make it through, but she definitely has already earned her angel wings. I just feel for this family so much. I look back at how Jordan's (my cousin) siblings didnt really get to know him, except for Michael, and how Andy will never know Gabriel, and now how Layla's older siblings will only have 2 short years of memories. I'm sure those 2 years are worth a lifetime though.

Please pray for little Layla's family, and especially so that she is not pain during these times. If you'd like to follow Layla's story you can go to www.laylagrace.org

I'm in no way related to or know Layla or her family, but just following their blog has inspired me in so many ways, and has really driven me to pray really hard for this little girl.

Son's week

So I log onto facebook yesterday, and I see a bunch of people's status that read:

IT'S "SON WEEK" : If you have a son who makes your life interesting and fun, who has been a blessing in your life and makes life worth living just by being around - copy and paste this to your status. ♥.Your Sons will outgrow your lap, but never your heart...♥

Now I'm not into doing these types of chain status or anything like that, but this one bugged the crap out of me!!! I kind of just put hid those status when I first saw it, but than I saw a few more people with them this morning, and uggh it was just a big stab to my heart. I couldn't help, but to be hurt all over again. I have a son, but he's not here with me, he doesn't make my life interesting and fun everyday. I never even got the chance to see him smile even once, he makes my life empty and sad a lot of the time because he isn't here with me. He was an absolute blessing in my life even if I only got to hold him for 20 weeks in my womb, and I never got to run my fingers through his hair, and I never got to touch his soft skin, or kiss his little lips. He does make my life worth living for because I know one day I will be with him for an eternity. No, he will never outgrow my lap, because he never had the chance to even sit on it once, but yes he always is and will always be in my heart. I miss my Gabriel so damn much sometimes it hurts.

I should be 4 weeks away from having my baby boy in my arms. I often think of how much prep work we would be doing, how many things we would be getting together, how we should have a new car by now, how the double stroller should be all ready, baby boy clothes hanging in the closet along with Andy's dresses. None of that to do. Such an empty lonely feeling. It's been 3 months, and I swear the pain just seems to be getting worse and worse. I dread April with all I've got in me. I want to sleep right through April. I want April to just disappear. It used to be such a happy month for me, and now it's just another month knowing I should be getting to hold Gabriel, but instead I get to mourn him on the day he was supposed to make his grand entrance. I guess a mother's love only grows no matter the time or distant. I love you and miss you baby.

Home again!

I slept in my very own bed last night for the first time in almost 3 weeks! It was really nice, except for the fact that Andrea woke up at 330 a.m., and couldn't fall back to sleep till almost 6am. We are going to have to work on that big time! I'm a bit tired this morning, but I'll manage through it.

I feel like we came back from a super long vacation. There is clothes all over the dining room, and just a bunch a stuff I had at my moms. You just know that whole vacation feeling, when you got to relax for a few days, but than you come back to more work than when you left. I feel a bit like that. I have to get used to my routine all over again here at home. I'm just glad to be back though.

That's all I've got for now. I'll be back on a regular basis again though, so maybe I'll get back on here later on tonight.

Some catching up

I'm here at home finally. I'm still not sleeping here, but the house is all cleaned up and ready for us to come back tomorrow night. I'm so excited. The house looks awesome. Can't wait for the basement to be all done. It's been a long two weeks, but it's all well worth it. A lot has happened in these last two weeks that we've been away from the computer.

Andrea had a speech evaluation on Thursday. She did qualify, and will receive therapy once a week. I'm excited about the prospect of my kid talking sometime in the near future. I can't wait to see all the silly things she has to say. I know crazy stuff will come out of her mouth. So that's some big news on our part. She did really well with the therapist while they were evaluating her, so I'm thinking she will be just fine on a weekly basis. She passed the rest of her eval. with flying colors, and is even way ahead of the game in some aspects. So God willing this will work out for the best.

As far as Gabriel goes, the more days pass by, the more I miss my baby boy. I'm at peace with his passing away, but I can't believe this actually happened to us. I can't stop thinking of him, and missing him so much. I should be a big fat pregnant girl right now. God I would be delivering him in about a month. Crazy to think we would be so close to meeting him, yet it's getting further and further from his passing away. The thought of having two kids under two in less than a month makes me nervous, but than I snap back and realize that it's just a memory now. I guess I just gotta keep trusting God that He knows why He thought Gabriel was to beautiful for this earth.

Well, I should be back on a regular basis again. Have a great Saturday night.

Stil at mom's

Another night at my mom's. I just came home for a quick few to pick Beto up, and take him back to my mom's. I never thought I'd miss my house and bed so much. It's nice being a guest cause you dont have to worry about cleaning and stuff as much, but I'm ready to get back to my normal routine. It's been a LONNNGGG week. I miss my own stuff, and just the normalcy of things. I miss not having junk food to devour all day long, and I miss my kitchen. I've managed to maintain my weight by continuing to work out, but I haven't managed to lose any cause of all the food at my mom's. I'm ready to hit it hard again. Hope to be back tomorrow again.

Taking a quick break.

So I've been meaning to blog since last night, but life has gotten in the way. My friend invited me out to the outlet malls yesterday. I was super excited about going, and going on a little mommy and daughter trip with my friend and her baby along with Andrea. Of course now that we are moms it's more about shopping for the kids over us. The kids stores got way better deals anyway. So we hit up Carter's Outlet, and of course the boys section and the girls section are divided up. I immediately hit the girls side to start looking for stuff for Andy that she can wear next year. What's the first thing I come across? A t-shirt that says "Big Sister" for a freaking dollar. It was a 2T which is probably the size she will be if we can conceive in the next few months. It was a huge dagger, but I got it anyway, and just hope that she can use it sometime in the next few months. Of course I couldn't help, but look at the boys section, and just imagine how many things I would have bought Gabriel. I mean there were winter coats for him to wear next winter for $10. There were just so much stuff that I could have bought him for so cheap. I know I would have gone crazy in there yesterday knowing I would be just 8 weeks away from meeting him. Uggh it just hurt so bad to know that I had no little boy to shop for. Somedays are just so much harder than others.

Not sure when I'll be able to get on here and blog again. Beto has torn down our living room and basement, and project renovation is fully underway. We are staying at my mom's, and she's not up to the times with internet. I'll probably stop by at home in the evening, but not sure how much time I'll have. Hopefully I can find some though cause this is good for my soul. Thanks for reading!

Happy Valentines Day Gabe.

It's a day of love and friendship. I'm forever thankful for the husband and daughter in my life, but I can't help to think I should be so close to meeting Gabriel. Even though I wouldn't have met you yet, I should be a big fat 31 week pregnant lady. 31 weeks!!! Wow. Dinner tonight at Giordano's for some stuffed spinach pizza with Beto, Andrea, and a big fat pregnant belly with little Gabe enjoying our tradition from inside. That's what it was supposed to be. Instead it's still just the three of us. That's ok cause I know Gabriel is watching us from above, but at last it's still hard thinking about holidays, and knowing he's no longer with us.

We've been going to Giordano's on Valentines for about the last 4 years. It's just something we did one year, and kind of kept it that way. It's not too busy, and it's my favorite thing in the world. :). We dont do Giordano's very often, maybe 2-3 times a year. The only time we ever actually eat at the restaurant is on Valentines. It'll probably be just today this year cause we are more health conscious family now, but I'm going to enjoy it to it's fullest today.

Anyway, Gabriel I hope you are enjoying your Valentine up in Heaven with Jordan. I love you so much, and please watch over all of us until we meet again. We promise to never forget you.

Food allergies.

Today was a scary day for my family. My nephew was rushed to the hospital because of his severe peanut allergy. He ended up in the ICU on a ventilator. Thank God he should be just fine, but I think that there needs to be way more education on what a food allergy is, what are the symptoms, and what to do in case someone is have a reaction to food.

Being Valentine's Day weekend, and a cute 8 year old boy, he ate a tiny piece of chocolate that contained peanut butter that was passed out at his school. He went from feeling a bit sick to pretty much having his lips swell up, and his throat starting to close in a very short amount of time. I dont know what the school policies are and such, but I definitely feel that there needs to be some kind of plan of action as to what is to be done when something like this happens. People need to understand that this isn't something that just fixes itself. I mean people die every year because they go into anaphylactic shock.

It was scary and tough seeing my nephew laying in an ICU hospital room with a tube through his mouth. This should have never happened, and it's a blessing that nothing worse happened to him. My daughter has a milk and egg allergy, and it scares the bejeebees outta me to think that she could one day accidentally ingest something she shouldn't and she isn't around someone that knows what to do.

Please keep my nephew in your prayers, and please if you are ever around someone that is having an allergic reaction REACT!! Most people with food allergies have an Epi pen on them. It's very easy to administer, and wont do them any harm if you inject them if they didnt need it, but can cause a lot of harm if they really needed it, and you were to afraid to administer it. Also, if you are in doubt just call 911. It's always absolutely more important to be safe than sorry.

Busy me

I've been so busy and tired the last two days. It's nuts. Keeping up with 3 kids under 3 can be quite draining some days. For those that dont know, I watch a 3 year old boy, and a 5 month old baby along with my 19 month old daughter. It also seems like we have hit the dreaded wakeful period with Andrea. She has been up at 2am sharp everyday this week. It's driving me nuts, and I can't wait until she's over it, and goes back to sleeping through the night. She also seems to be going through a whole throwing stuff phase. Her new thing this week is just throwing anything in her hand and cracking up as hard as she can. I've realized that it's hard to discipline this child, and I have to set my foot down. She just comes and cuddles you with hugs and kisses when she does something wrong. Uggh how can you discipline such sweetness? I love my baby so much, and she always finds a way to make me smile with her actions even when I'm having a stressful day. I guess at the end of the day I really do love staying home with her, and watching the other 2 kids. I mean there are days that are just so crazy, but when it's all said and done I love having them in my life.

Snow

I've realized that I like to watch the snow fall. I dont necessarily like snow storms, but I like to watch the snow come down. I feel a sense of calm when I do. I feel a part of Gabriel is in each of those snowflakes. I don't know why the snow reminds me of him, but it just does. Granted I still hate Chicago winters, but at least now I know that some snow coming down will always remind of Gabe. I guess I look at it this way because no snowflake is ever the same, but yet they come together and form this big fluffy big pile. I feel that a baby is made the same way. All these particles come together and form a human being. I just know he's everywhere I go, and the snow is my silent reminder. I'm coming to terms that the pain will never go away, and that a part of my soul will forever be with Gabriel. I miss my little peanut a lot.

An update

An update on what? LOL, I guess on everything. Last week was miserable for me on the weight loss. I didn't lose an ounce despite my continued workout and healthy eating. It sucked, but I figured I had to slow down at some point. I completely went against all my hard work yesterday, and pigged out. I dont feel bad for having totally pigged out during Super Bowl, but I felt physically ill this morning. My body just isn't used to all that junk anymore. I learned my lesson very quickly. So back to my boot camp I go this week, and get back on track with crap.

Andy has a speech evaluation tomorrow morning. I'm kind of excited at the prospect of perhaps getting her speech jump started. She really doesn't say much aside from "mama" and "papa". She's so bright in every other aspect though that it's hard for me to really be worried. It can't hurt to have an extra push though. We'll see what they say tomorrow.

As you can see I updated my blog a bit. I added a picture of my family, minus the dogs. Maybe I'll stick them in here somewhere tomorrow. The one picture I really wish I had is of Gabriel. The more time passes by, the more I wish I had a picture of him aside from my ultrasound pictures. I really wish I had a real physical image of him. I wish I had just one picture to add to our little family pic even if it was of him already sleeping forever. I really wish I had something. I even wish I had asked the doctor to print out that last ultrasound image when we found he was already gone. I know it sounds super morbid, but that's the last image I have of my son. He was still safe inside my belly, and even though he was already gone, he still was very much alive inside of me for a few more days to me. I guess all I can do is leave what he would of looked like to my imagination. I love my babies so much.

More march of Dimes

I finally got around to posting my little banner on here for March of Dimes. I'm really passionate about this cause since losing Gabe. I never have really participated in it before, but as I mentioned in a post a while back I dont want his loss to go in vain. I feel that this is what I'm supposed to be doing in his memory. I think this will be a project I will tackle each year, and each year I hope to make it bigger. It's even more special because the walk is on April 25th. April is my due date month, and I feel like all month may be a struggle, but I think that day will feel successful. I hope that each year it becomes a bigger and bigger event. This year my goal is to raise $500. I think with the amount of people Beto and I know this is extremely doable. I know times are very rough, and that everyone probably has donated something to Haiti, but I truly believe that if everyone can donate a $1 we can make that goal easily. Also, if you are interested in walking, and are in the Chicagoland area please join our team. I promise it'll be a boatload of fun. ;). Thanks everyone, and as always God Bless.

Halo

I've said before that music really helps me in many ways. Sometimes I like listening to the sadder songs and just cry and cry. Sometimes letting those tears out helps heal this broken soul of mine. Other times I like the happy songs to put me in a better mood. I have found some songs just create a whole new meaning to me even though they have nothing to do with my loss. A prime example is Beyonce's Halo. There is a verse that particularly gets to me:

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

It just rings so true. My Gabe is everywhere I go, and he will always be with me wherever this crazy life may take me. He has his little halo now, and he is my little angel that God needed with him. I know he is next to Jordan and together they are watching over me. They are what save me each and everyday. Sometimes it hurts more than others, but I know I have a purpose in this life, and it's hard to figure this one out, but I know deep deep down inside of me this all has happened for a reason. I know it's made me a better person. I wish with all that I have that I didnt have to experience this in order to become who I am right now, but unfortunately I have. I'm not the same person that I was just 2 short months ago, and I know I never will be. How could I? My son was taken from me way before I ever imagined, and the selfish part of me wants him back so freaking bad. Sometimes the desire to have him back is just so overwhelming.

I'm starting to see a lot of the spring clothes coming out, and I just can't help but see all the baby boy clothes, and imagine what I would be dressing my baby in. He would certainly have some Cubs outfits, a few ILLINI outfits, and just little cute boy jeans. I love all the girly clothes Andy has, but I would definitely have enjoyed dressing Gabe in all these cute boys clothes. I just long to have that boy back, and take him and Andy out for long walks to the library over the summer. I long to have the challenge of raising two kids under two. I long for watching Andrea and Gabriel enjoy this summer together. I wish I had to worry about how I'm going to manage being maid of honor, and a mom to a 3 month old baby at my brother and best friends wedding in July. All of those things just don't matter anymore I guess cause Gabriel is up in heaven. He doesn't need me there, but I need him here so bad. Gosh sometimes I still can't believe this is the reality of my life.

support group

We went to support group today. Definitely something I need in my life. It was nice knowing I'm not alone in this, but yet so heartbreaking to hear everyone else's nightmare. It sucks to know there are so many other people out there in this world that have to deal with such a devastating loss. Just breaks my heart over and over, and yet it helps heal the wound a bit. i think this is going to be something very helpful for me, and I look forward to it. I like knowing I can pronounce Gabriel's name out loud so much, and that I can just talk about my hell. I miss him more and more each day, and I've realized this pain will never die.

Sometimes it stings.

So this whole time I've kept some feelings to myself, but I think they are overtaking me, and it will help to spill them out here. I guess they become more real each time I get what seems like the same news. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with what I'm going to say today, or if someone takes it the wrong way. I'll also be more than happy to talk about with you if you get offended, but I just need to be real honest with myself.

It's hard for me to hear of someone I know that is pregnant, going to their big ultrasound, or they just had a baby. Don't get me wrong, I'm really really happy for them, but it stings all at the same time. I wish all these couples nothing but the best, but it still hurts. All I do is go back, and think about how far along I should be, how people should be counting down till my little baby arrives, how my son should be the next one born, and yet he's just a distant memory to most now. It's just a feeling I can't help. I'm really happy for these people, but a part of me is also really nervous for them. I pray to God that none of them experience what I went through, but yet I know that the chances they do are there. I get nervous that someone may have to suffer the same pain I did, and I hate that I've lost the innocence that comes with anyone being pregnant.

It's no longer just pure joy in my heart to know a new life is being created. I get paranoid for other people that something will go wrong, or I hope that people will understand the beauty of what is happening to them, and how precious life is, and that there is a precious life growing inside of them from the minute of conception. That is your baby from the minute you realize you are expecting. It's such a beautiful thing yet so fragile.

I must admit I get the most nervous when I hear of someone going in for their big ultrasound. It's like I hold my breath until I hear that they came back from it safe and sound, and that baby looks good. I just know they are so excited about the whole thing, and I know how damn awful it is to learn that your baby no longer has a heartbeat when you thought you were going in for the most fun part of the whole pregnancy. I hate that all that innocence is lost. I hate being so nervous for other people, and not being able to just be happy. I hate all the other emotions that now come with it.

Like I said I'm genuinely happy for everyone that is expecting or has a new bundle of joy, but I can't help to be a little hurt by it all. Not that other people dont deserve the happiness of a new baby, but I just so long to feel that happiness of my Gabriel being with us too. It's nobody's fault of what happened to me, and nobody should have to hold back their great news from because of what happened to me, but I can't help to just feel a tiny sting. I guess that's just the way my new life goes.

2 months

Dear Gabriel,

It's been two months today since you had to leave us. I miss you with all my heart and soul. They say that time heals everything, but it seems that time is only making this wound deeper. I think of you each and everyday. Somedays I smile and other days I cry hard for you. I know you are in a much better place, and that you were just too much for this evil world. I know that God called you home way before your time for a reason. I guess he just needed an other angel to make Heaven that much more beautiful. I miss you so much, and I often wonder what you would be like. I wonder if you would be such a good baby like your sister Andrea or if you would be the one to keep us up all night. Not that either one would matter because I'd love you no matter what. I wonder what it would be like to be 7 months pregnant while chasing down your sister day in and day out. I wonder how much clothes I would have piled up just for you, and how many pairs of Air Jordan's I would buy you in your lifetime. I wonder if you'd grow up to be a baseball star or play an instrument. I wonder about a lot of things, and I guess that's all I'll ever be able to do.

There is something I dont ever wonder about. I dont ever wonder if Andrea would love you like no other. I know she would be head over heals for you, and barrage you with kisses and hugs all day long. She would fall in love you just as fast as I fell in love with you. Gabriel I miss you with all I've got, and I love you with all I've ever had, all I have, and all I'll ever have. I promise to never forget you, and I'll carry you with me wherever this life may take me. You will always be my first son, and you will always be the missing link in my life. How I wish you could have been even for just one moment. I would do anything in this life just to feel you kick inside of me, see you move even if the result were the same. Just to have you for one more minute to love and to hold deep inside of me. I love you more than anyone will ever know. Please watch over us, and feel our love for you from all the way down here. Mommy will NEVER ever forget you, and I will never stop missing you. I love you my baby boy, I love you more than words can ever describe.

Meh

Been feeling icky all weekend long. It like I'm dont get full blown sick, but my body is just tired and achy. I hate being sick, and honestly after having H1N1 back in early November I really feel like I deserve a damn break. LOL. I wish my body would have become immune to any kind of cold/flu after that. I've been taking my vitamin and some airborne so I hope that just kicks it to the curb by tomorrow.

I've been feeling a little drained physically and emotionally these last few days. I went out last night with my friends and it was really nice, and it felt good to get away, but I dont know I just feel drained. I feel like something is missing. My workouts have been really helpful and awesome, Beto is a great help, and Andy always keeps me on my toes, but something is missing. I know what that something is, but it's hard when that something is that someone, and that someone is gone forever. Tomorrow will be 2 months. Im really really really missing my little guy more and more.

Month's final results

So I just completed my final workout for January, as I give my body a break on Sundays. So it was a rough week with my Andy being sick the entire week, and Beto have the stomach bug two days also. I managed to get a workout in everyday except for Tuesday, and I didnt do any doubles this week. I'm just really proud of the fact that despite the chaos of this week I still managed to maintain my routine as much as possible, and I didn't take the easy way out with food either. I could've easily just grabbed some McDonald's the day Beto and Andy were both sick since I was only feeding myself, but I managed to put a decent meal in my mouth throughout the entire week. I just feel that this proves to me that I'm not doing this for right now, but that I'm actually taking the steps I need to make this a part of my everyday life for the rest of my life.

So as I said, I just finished my last workout for the month. I will move up to level 3 of the 30 day shred on Monday. I should've technically moved over on Wednesday, but since it was a hectic week and all I felt I should stick to level 2 for the remainder of the week, and move on over on Monday. I'm looking forward to this challenge. The last time I did the 30 day shred almost a year ago I quit in the middle of level 2, so completing level 2 and actually starting level 3 is huge for me.

Anyway, the results for this month are 13 pounds lost, and 3 1/2 inches off my waist!! The best part is that I feel awesome. I know the energy level I have throughout the day has also increased dramatically. I just pray to God I keep going and there is no looking back. My goal for February is another 8 pounds and another inch off my waist. So far so good.

Taking a breather.

It's been one of those crazy hectic weeks. I'm tired, and feeling a little burned out, but I'll keep on chugging. Andy has been sick ALL week. She's got molars and eye teeth all coming in. She's had this awful cough that is finally getting better, a yucky runny nose, a bit of diarrhea, and a fever on and off the entire week. I woke up feeling a bit ill myself on Monday and Tuesday, but thankfully nothing came of it. Beto got hit bad with the stomach bug yesterday and today. It feels like a clinic at my house at times. I also am frustrated with something else, but I'll get over it (sorry I'm not going into depth about it).

Anyway, I'm exhausted today, and I'm glad tomorrow is finally Friday. Going to definitely have a glass or two of wine this weekend. I've managed to keep my workouts going through all of it, and only skipped Tuesday because I just felt that yucky. I got right back into it yesterday though. I just gotta keep on chugging along and accomplish all these goals.

Monday will mark 2 months since Gabriel left us, and I've got all kinds of mixed emotions about that. I'm glad I'm feeling better,but I'm sad that I should be 2 months closer to meeting him rather than 2 months further from losing him. It's a struggle each day, but I never forget him.

I'm tired and I need to really get some rest, so I hope tomorrow is better, and I can get back on track with this.

Sick Andy

My Andy has been quite sick the last few days, and it's been a whirlwind. One minute she seems to be doing ok, and the next day she wakes up with a 103 fever, and doesn't really come down until late tonight. I'm just glad it seems like she's finally getting over it. She has two new molars that poked through last night, and she's got about 4 more teeth coming in. She also got a shot on Thursday, and an inhaler for her asthma. I'm pretty beat up, and I haven't been feeling 100% myself. I'll keep you guys updated soon as things get back to normal again. Keep my Andy in your prayers so she gets better real soon.

Kind of a rough day

Just had Gabe on mind a lot today. I can't believe I should be 12 weeks away from meeting my son, but instead I'm here missing my baby. I sat out looking at the rain fall down for a few today, and I felt him in the drops, I felt him in the gloomy sky, and I just wondered what he would have been like. Would he have looked like Andrea, would he have looked a bit more like me as a newborn, or would he look just like Beto? I wondered if he would have my passion for sports, Andy's strong will, or would he be hard headed, yet so giving like his father. I guess these are all answers I'll never know. It gets harder as my due date approaches. I just miss the joys of pregnancy, and the hopes and dreams that come with it. I hope tomorrow brings some good news. I love you Gabriel.

catching up

Wow! I took a two day break from blogging. I've been pretty busy and tired lately. Where do I begin? LOL. Well, the working out and stuff is going well. As you saw in my last blog I've officially shed the first 10 lbs of this journey, and that felt so good. I've been doing pretty with my eating habits, but I did cheat a bit yesterday. I had a slice of birthday cake pie from Baker's Square. it was like a mouth orgasm. LMAO!!!! That stuff was delicious. I did pay the price this morning with my workouts though. I pushed myself to the limits, and than some today, and damn it I feel so good. I'm on top of the world right now, and nothing can stop me. I have such motivation in me right now, and I hope to never lose that. I have an angel in heaven that keeps me going everyday.

You remember those bottled up feelings I was talking about the other day? Well, they are no longer bottled up, and I've let them out. I talked things through, and everything is all good now, and we are moving forward in this life. That feels really good too.

You know, I think Gabe's death has given me a bit of a thicker skin, and some extra guts to go out and express what I feel. To often I would just keep my mouth shut or keep my feelings to myself to avoid confrontation. Not anymore, now I know I need to say what I need to say sometimes.

So anyway, I've been looking up a bunch of healthy recipes to make for my family, and I came across a whole wheat pizza dough recipe. I tried it out tonite, and I think it's a winner. I have to tweak a few things, but perfection will be mine next time. I also came across a homemade pizza sauce recipe from Chef Mommy's blog, and tried it out with my dough. Can you say delicious? My house smells amazing right about now. I put Italian Turkey sausage to keep it lean with a bunch of different veggies. I think it's an excellent pizza w/o making it so unhealthy. It definitely curbs my pizza cravings, and if I can make this twice a month I think I can go a long time w/o having the fatty pizza from the pizza joints. I'm really proud of this recipe. Come to think of it I'm really proud and happy with a lot of things in my life right now. God is good, and my son is with him watching over me.

10 down!!!

Yes!!! The first ten pounds out of 50 are officially gone!!! I vow to never let them back on me again, and I vow to never allow the scale to hit such a high number again. I've gotten used to this new lifestyle so far. Early morning workouts are a routine now, and I feel yucky without one. Eating healthy is so much easier when you dont have junk laying around in the house. I just gotta keep up with this.

Funny thing happened today. Andrea, Beto, and I were in the living room just hanging out waiting for Andy's bedtime. She went to grab the workout mat, and told Beto to get his butt working out. I mean she insisted that we turn on the shred, and he get his workout in. She just absorbs everything into that little brain, but I'm glad she is used to seeing us working out now. Gotta lead by example.

I started this weight loss journey for so many reasons. First, I wanted to be physically fit again, but mostly I'm doing it for my daughter and future kids. When I lost Gabriel I felt like I had no control over anything. I mean my body failed him for no apparent reason. I woke up one day and realized that I do have control over what the scale says and I am now taking control of what goes inside my body.

I just pray to God I continue this journey for the rest of time.

quiet days

I dont have much to report on, but I still like to come on and blog. There's nothing really new going on, and things are pretty quiet on our end. I'm still working out hardcore, and eat the right foods for the most part. LOL. Andrea's been having a cough when she falls asleep which is driving me nuts. I think she has asthma cause she starts coughing when she runs too. Sigh. I spent way to much time cleaning the house today and I'm super tired, but it's gotta get done. Gabriel has been on my mind more and more each day, and I miss him more each day, and the thought of April rolling around makes me so sad. I used to think this was going to be a great pregnancy. I would spend all winter long pregnant, and when the flowers finally started blooming and the weather was starting to get nice out I'd have a sweet little baby. It would be the perfect time to go out for a walk with Andrea, baby, and the dogs. Instead I'm just hoping to extend these cold months. I never thought I'd hear myself saying that, but the thought of warmer weather without a baby to hold breaks my heart.

being held accountable

So as you know I'm on this journey to lose this weight. When I first started I told myself I would reveal my starting weight once I reached my target goal. However, I think I may be ready to reveal that starting weight much sooner. I've been working my ass off these last two weeks off, and to see the pounds come off that scale is one of the greatest feelings ever. I've really been watching what goes into my mouth, and I've started to become used to making healthy food choices. It's really not that difficult if you really just put your mind to it, and I think it makes it easier when I'm not depriving myself of a whole lot. I just tend to make the healthier choice between two things. For example, if I"m out having a sandwich and I want chips I go for the baked one's over the regular. Little stuff like that can go a long way in a year. It's gone a long way in 2 weeks! My workouts have been going awesome too. I feel so out of it if I dont get my ass up in the morning and do my workout. I've been doing both the shred and boost your metabolism workouts on Tues, Thurs, and Sat. On Mon, Wed, and Fri. I just do the shred. I try and take Sundays off to let my body relax, but I think I'm going to start making sure I get a nice 30 min. walk in on Sundays. I can already see my body taking on a different shape. There is a loonnng way to go still, but I know that if I stick to my plan and keep my eye on the prize I will reach my goal of losing 50lbs by the end of the year.

The final stats for week 2 is that I lost another 2lbs, and an inch off my waist. I definitely hit a plateau this week, but that's okay. My goal is to lose 2lbs a week, and anything more is a gift. I'll keep working hard at this everyday! Right now it's one of the few things I have control over, and I dont want to ruin it.

I just need to note that I miss Gabe more and more each day. The pain has become easier to deal with, but I miss him so so so much.

Music

I love music, and Ive mentioned that before. Sometimes some of the music makes me cry, but Ive learned that crying can be very therapeutic. You know sometimes the song can have nothing to do with my pain, but I still find a way to make it a part of my pain. A song just can strike such a chord with me, and it something I just never forget. I like to listen to all types of music, in spanish and english. I love to hear all different types of music, but there is one song that just gets to me, and Ive always liked it. It always makes me so sad, but at the same time makes me realize exactly where my baby is at. Ive loved this song ever since Jordan died, and I know relate to it more than ever. Its "FLY" by Celine Dion. The lyrics go like this:

Fly, fly little wing
Fly beyond imagining
The softest cloud, the whitest dove
Upon the wind of heaven's love
Past the planets and the stars
Leave this lonely world of ours
Escape the sorrow and the pain
And fly again

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this mem'ry bittersweet
Until we meet

Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

Fly, fly little wing
Fly where only angels sing
Fly away, the time is right
Go now, find the light

Just kind of describes how I want my little angel to be. I want him to be happy, but I know I will never forget him. I never saw his face or touched his skin, but I feel him all over my heart. Honestly somedays i still can't believe this really happened to us. I just know I will never forget my little Gabriel.

Houston we got a climber.

So I noticed since last week that Andrea is in a climbing stage, but I didnt realize until today that my child will climb anything regardless of how high it is or if I'm there watching her or not. I put Andy down for her naps in my bed, and she usually just moans until I go in. We usually hang out in the bed for a few minutes after she wakes up. Today she took a shorter nap than usual, and I wasn't done eating my lunch so I figured I'd let her lay around by herself for a few minutes while I took the last bites. I hear her moaning for a few, but than it's all silent. I check in to see if maybe she just went back to bed. NO!!! She was on top of our dresser just playing with my jewelery and the alarm clock. Now the dresser isn't all that tall, and she just climbed from the bed to the dresser, but she was literally on her knees with her legs hanging. Seriously one wrong movement and she would've flown back. She freaked when I opened the door, and tried to jump back in the bed, and pretend she had done nothing wrong. LOL. Now I know that I have to keep the door open or put her in her crib. I'll probably go with the crib. ;) So yes here go she will climb on anything, and this child has absolutely no fear of anything.

Bottled feelings

I feel like I'm so good at writing down my feelings on paper, but God do I suck at expressing them face-to-face with someone. I just get so emotional and breakdown right away, and I'm always afraid of hurting someone's feelings. What the hell do I do when my feelings have been hurt, and I dont even think the other person knows it? A big part of me just wants to let it go and move on, but a bigger part of me can't. The scary part is that the hurt is somewhat becoming anger, a lot of anger. It just sucks that when I need this person the most is when they are the furthest from me. Sometimes I just want to explode, and other days I just dont give a damn anymore. However, it seems like everytime i see them I grow more and more angry because it hurts my feelings that they dont bother to check in. Ugghh!!! You just realize who people really are when tragedy strikes at your door.

I know I need to let people know how I'm feeling or else it's going to spiral out of control, and a relationship may be lost because of this. It's just so damn hard!!! I can't believe I'm even going through all of this. Sometimes its like a bad dream.

On a roll

I'm on a roll of having a lot on my mind, but not a lot to write about. LOL. I'm afriad to bore whoever does sit here and read my blogs with the same stuff everyday. I've been watching Sophia and Xavier this week, and well now I know what it's like to have 3 kids under the age of 3. In it's own twisted way it's fun. I mean I know it's not the same as having my own kids because I get to give two of the three back by 5pm, but I mean I still get a good gist of how things are. It's hectic, but I enjoy it. I guess its just my love for kids. They are so innocent and pure, and they just dont have a care in the world. Kind of always brings out the kid in me again everyday. I've never colored so much in my life, and I've never been loved on so much either. It's nice seeing my daughter love on a tiny little baby, and see her learning how to share with a bigger kid too.

It's all so bittersweet. I can't believe how much Andrea loves Sophie, and how excited she gets by her. She is so quick to run to the bedroom door as soon as she hears Sophia wake up from a nap. She's in such a hurry to get her again. She constantly wants to feed her the bottle, and also give her some of her own food. She smothers her with hugs and kisses the whole day. Just amazing. I guess she's more than ready to have a sibling. It's so nice to know she can handle a little baby, yet it's so heartbreaking to know she was so close to having that little baby brother of her own. I can only imagine how close they would be, and how much love she would offer to Gabe. I know one day she'll have more siblings, but she'll never be able to love on Gabe at this tiny age that she's at. They were going to be 20 months apart. So sad to know that she wont ever get to experience being a big sister at such a tiny age. See it just never stops, always something there to remind you of the tragic end to a perfect baby. Gotta let God take care of things.

I also need to just let go, and accept that some people will never know what to say or ever say anything at all. Both hurt just as much. I have to just let go of a lot of resentment I carry in my heart towards some of the people I love the most.