How many kids.

Yesterday I went to go choose my bridesmaid dress for Stephanie and Joel's wedding. I tried on a few dresses, and there was one that I really liked, but than it dawned on me that it may not work very well if I'm like say 5-6 months pregnant by than. I'm NOT pregnant right now, but the plan is that I am by than, and if I were to get pregnant in the near future I could be up to 6 months pregnant by than. So anyway, the lady helping us out and stuff was just asking how many kids I have, or if this would be my first. Let's just say there was a brief moment of silence before I answered. This was the first time a complete stranger had asked me this question since losing Gabriel. I put myself together, and I said I have one living child, but I have been pregnant twice, and this would be my third pregnancy. She kind of looked at me a bit confused, and I just told her I had lost a son at 20 weeks. I dont think she knew what to say, and that's perfectly okay, and she just said so you know your body well enough to know how big you get, and we moved on. I was totally fine with this scenario. I was just proud that I held myself together, and I said the truth. I didnt exclude Gabe from being one of my children, and I dont think I put someone in an extremely uncomfortable situation.

These are the little things that happen in my life that will always keep Gabriel alive. Those are the things only mothers that have lost a child have to fear about how to answer. Right now I'm at a point that I'm smiling again and I'm doing things in my life I never thought I would, but I wonder if I will ever be whole again. I dont see how I can ever be whole again when a piece of my soul was taken from me. I just wonder if I'll ever know what it's like to be 110% happy again. I'm very happy and thankful to God of where my life is at right now, but a tiny piece of me is sad, and that sadness can never be taken away.

So I guess all I can do is keep on treading in this life, and make the most of what I do got here with me. I'm happy with the way this year has started off so far!